It’s beyond time for someone to lay down some society-wide ground rules for handshakes

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time to uncover everything that’s bothered us this week in an all-new edition of The Gripe Report.

This week, we’re talking about social etiquette, not stupid nonsense like which fork is for salad.

I’m talking about real social situations you’ll find yourself in and how to navigate them.

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I usually have more to say in these entries, but I think this is pretty succinct and gets the job done.

Good job, me.

Saying goodbye to someone, then seeing them again

Imagine going out for a night out with your friends.

Friends you know pretty well but aren’t very close to.

You have a good time, and then you say goodbye and head back to your car, which is waiting for you in a large parking lot.

But as you search for your perfectly sensible yet solid 2025 Ford Bronco Sport, you encounter your friend once again.

What are you doing?

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Good news: you have many options.

Bad news: they all suck.

Your first option is “It’s been a long time, I haven’t seen you!” is to make a joke like. They fake laugh but now you HE man.

Another option is to start a second goodbye sequence, which is extremely awkward and God forbid you run into each other a third time.

Also you can’t say anything. I like this idea, but for most people this will be the weirdest option.

I think the solution is a mix of a few of these, and it’s just a simple nod. You acknowledge that you encountered that person, but it doesn’t become a “thing.”

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Why does it physically hurt to say “You too” after the server tells you to enjoy your meal? (iStock)

Saying ‘You too’ at an inappropriate time

Why is this so painful?

It really shouldn’t be like that, but you do it and you want to go home and crawl in your bed.

There are a few places where I think I’d throw an ill-timed “You Too” and the first one is at any restaurant.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone out to eat and waited for the server or the person behind the counter to say “Bon appetit” or something like that, only for them to say something along the lines of “Enjoy your meal.”

Then you get caught off guard and say “You too” and now you look like a complete ass.

The second place I do this most often is with parking attendants. I go to the park for a concert or a hockey game and they say, “Enjoy the show/game,” and I tell them, “You too.”

Yes, I’m sure they will enjoy stopping in this parking lot while I have fun. At least they’re getting paid.

At least for the person who says “You too”, this is much worse than the person who takes you.

Handshakes/kisses/hugs

I’m tired of having to read body language, situations, and angle of approach to determine if someone is coming to me for a handshake, a light touch, or one of those handshake hugs.

My success rate should be around 60-70%, but since we live in society, I think it should be 100%. Everyone needs to help each other in this regard and not make too many reverse shots.

For this we need ground rules. Maybe something like shaking hands if at least 50% of the people around you are wearing collared shirts. This tells you that this is a more formal event and not the time for bro hugs like the surfers in “Point Break.”

I’m not even opposed to everyone wearing some sort of name tag that tells them what they’re going for.

I think they did it in Japan. Arcs across the board.

There they give you bows like one of Oprah’s favorite things and the only difference is the angle at which your waist is broken.

Deeper bow means more respect… at least that’s what I learned from the episode “Curb Your Enthusiasm”....

Do whatever it takes to avoid having to play that weird guessing game all the time.

We all know the guy on the right wants to fire off some comments about the weather being so bad right now. (iStock)

Talking in the Elevator

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who can’t stand silence and to have To talk in elevators.

I’m not saying you’re not allowed to talk in elevators. I’m just saying, I can’t stand people who feel they have to talk just for the sake of talking because they can’t stand several layers of silence.

I have no problem with silence. I could stand there all day in a group of people without saying a word and having no problem with it. I don’t know if I’m black, laid back, or stupid, but I can go hours without talking.

Other people? They start to come out of their skin.

So we end up with people spewing out words for no reason.

I’m talking about things like this: The doors close, you go up four floors, and all you hear for the first two floors is the hum of the Otis elevator cable pulling you up.

Then someone needs to turn to the person they are traveling with and say, “Lunch was nice.”

From where?! Just why?

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This could wait until we were all out of this box, lifted by rickety cables. You there was You couldn’t resist the sound of your inner ear for 27 seconds to say something.

I know this is a bit sensitive but I hear these things all the time. What’s worse is when the people in the elevator with you decide that it’s a good time to perform their vaudeville act and try to make everyone laugh with jokes and jokes.

Worse, they try to impress everyone by dropping hints about their plans, work, or something like that.

This is part of a bigger problem for me: Not everyone needs to know everything about you all the time. Social media has made this an even bigger problem and it has spilled over into the real world.

This is why I hate bumper stickers so much.

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I’m sitting behind you at a red light; I don’t need to know what kind of dog you have, what school you go to, what your favorite suits are (or which ones you dislike if you have Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes). celebrity urinating on their logo) and your child being on the honor roll.

I think the same way about elevators. The less I know about you, the more I love you.