Ben Stiller’s love letter to his parents reveals more than he expected

When comedy actor Jerry Stiller died in 2020, his daughter Amy and son Ben were faced with the daunting task of dealing with the contents of the family’s home on the upper west side of Manhattan. It had been almost five years since their mother, Anne, passed away, and the house was as it always was: a vast trove of treasures their father had collected.

An ordinary family might put some sentimental objects in the box and throw away the rest. But Jerry Stiller left behind a library of family home movies, recordings of Jerry and Anne’s work when they were known as the comedy duo Stiller & Meara, and boxes of audio tapes containing Jerry’s conversations with seemingly everyone.

As Ben Stiller, the 59-year-old award-winning actor, writer and director Ben Stiller, looked through a house that was somehow a vast archive of his family’s lives, he did the only thing that made sense to him: he turned it all into a documentary film.

Stiller and Meara: All Is Lost A love letter he wrote to his parents, rich in emotion and humor, and laced with a rare and touching affection. But it is also a mission statement. And perhaps a word to their parents: Nothing will actually be lost and will instead be recorded in this illuminating 98-minute audiovisual essay.

“I had no idea what it was going to be when I started, I just knew I wanted to do something about my family and especially after my dad died, and I knew this apartment we grew up in was going to be sold and I wouldn’t have a place to go back to,” Stiller says. “I wanted to document it and film it so I could remember it and do something about what they did.”

It’s no surprise that the film is also a reflection of Ben’s own journey. “I’m trying to connect with my parents, I’m trying to understand who they are, and I’m also trying to understand who I am in relationship to them and my own children and my wife. [actress Christine Taylor]” he says. “There is a question in this title.”

Jerry Stiller was one of America’s most successful television comedians, and his career was essentially divided into two acts. This is the second of the films in which George Costanza plays his father Frank. seinfieldNow most television viewers remember him. His wife, Anne Meara, was a comedian, actress, and playwright who was nominated for four Emmys and a Tony award and won the Writers Guild Award.

Under the stage name Stiller & Meara, which they adopted after leaving the Chicago-based Second City improv comedy troupe, they became a staple of variety shows and appeared in the following shows: The Mary Tyler Moore Show spin off rhodaand briefly starred in their own sitcom, Styles and the Meara Show.

While the documentary is a super slice of life in the Stiller household, it’s also a fascinating step into the real lives of a showbiz family. There are moments when the Stiller children’s discomfort with their parents’ professional lives is felt. And others, for which Meara stated that she always wanted to put family life first and show business second.

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“We wanted to be around my family while they were doing their job, and that was probably because we wanted to be around my family,” Stiller says. “It was so much more interesting and fun than going to school, hanging out on a competition set, or meeting William Shatner as a kid. [actor and director] LeVar Burton or whatever. It was very exciting.

“Then, there were other things underneath, and as you get older, those things come out and you’re like, ‘wait a minute, but my mom wasn’t that available or my dad was focused on work,'” Stiller says.

But Stiller says returning to the film footage shot in the documentary provides context. “I just see more nuance in it. I see that my mother wants to have that family life, wants to take her family life forward, but at the same time she’s afraid of it because she never had that experience in her childhood. As you get older, you can understand what it means to be human.”

Stiller says the journey in his own life has been challenging at times. This does not mean that the camera is lying, but perhaps it means that the camera is capturing its own objective image and that human memory of the same moment is not always infallible. There’s a fascinating moment when the Stiller kids play the violin The Mike Douglas Show. No generous words here: terrible. “It was pretty bad,” Stiller says with a laugh.

“Whenever I read about memoirs or people on trial and witness statements, they talk about how inaccurate memories can be for people,” Stiller says. “These movie clips from our apartment, from our childhood, become more valuable to me as I get older. They are like archaeological finds, and you have this real memory.” [but then] much smaller or details than you remember [are different].

“Do I actually remember what happened? Or do I remember that clip that reminded me of what happened… so that was a really fun thing to explore while making the movie, what do I actually remember about that interview with my family and me when I was eight?”

And The Mike Douglas Show? “I remember standing behind the front when it was opening, when we went out to go out, and… there were autographs of all the actors that were on the show,” Stiller says. “I remember that moment… and then the doors opening and me being so nervous. I don’t remember sounding that bad.”

There is something about this process that mimics the deeply felt pain of losing a parent: a coming together of memories, a kind of closing of a chapter or even a book. In the case of Stiller and Meara: Nothing Is Lost, The closing credits present a very specific signature; the idea that everything is wrapped up neatly when the credits roll and the lights come on.

Except, of course, that real grief is a non-linear experience. And it’s rarely packaged properly. And the credits don’t come with a proper closing roll.

“Sometimes when I look at the movie, I get even sadder because then I miss them more,” Stiller says. “That’s part of it. And [grief] It is not linear. I tried to make the movie non-linear in that way because I think that’s what you do. “In life you go back and forth between these memories and the present, and as humans we experience that all the time.”

In contrast, Stiller adds, “The process of dealing with the loss of a parent is something that probably no one has ever done. And after they’re gone, if you find a deeper connection with them because you’re able to appreciate who they were, which is how I feel.”

Perhaps the most surprising thing about the film is not the gorgeous and hilarious archival footage, or even the idea that the documentary delivers on its promise – that nothing is lost – by creating an enduring visual document that is both compelling and deeply moving; These are random moments where Ben mirrors his father, either in silhouette or in motion. When you see it, it’s both surprising and oddly delightful.

“As I get older, I see my father’s characteristics [in my reflection]Especially physically, but also the things I feel close to in him,” says Stiller: “And then there’s that constant push-pull… am I turning into my parents? What does this mean?

“This movie gave me the opportunity to realize that being like my parents isn’t necessarily something I want to run away from, but maybe it’s something I definitely aspire to on a certain level in terms of who they are as people,” Stiller says. “My parents, especially my father, were very generous, open and loving people.

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“I get feedback from people every day of my life, whether it’s something they’ve seen on TV or in a movie, whether it’s whether they’ve met or worked with my family, stories about their generosity and openness, or how much they’ve touched people,” she adds.

“As a kid, there’s a lot to go through, but this has helped me appreciate it more. I really appreciate how much people care about my family. And now… whenever someone comes up and says something about my family, I almost feel like it connects with them in some way.”

Stiller and Meara: All Is Lost open Apple TV+ starting October 24.

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