Emma Hayes on role models, life as US boss and balancing football & family
What are you doing? So how did you find your way to this incredible career?
: I’m thinking of a few things. My physical education teacher always insisted that I take leadership classes. Even when I was 16 I wanted to pursue a career in diplomacy or something like that, but I think it was probably during my university years that I took on a coaching role – although I didn’t choose it – and then when I left that and came back to Camden to work on sports development in Camden, I really started coaching in the community and a few of us had developed or built the Regents Park League.
Then I moved to America. More than anything, I wanted to move to America. I didn’t necessarily want to be a coach, but I knew that would get me a visa to enter the country and live in New York.
What are you doing? Who would you say has had the biggest influence on your career?
: This must be my family. My father saw something I couldn’t see. As a working-class man, she was the greatest feminist I have ever met. He had three daughters, so one of us had to have a big interest in football. But that was because it forced me and sometimes I hated it. I was telling Harry about playing football the other day… I was standing silently on the touchline. He said: ‘Mom, why don’t you tell me something?’ I said: ‘Because I hated when my father did this to me, so I don’t want to do this to you.’ And he said he really wanted me to say a little more, and I said: ‘Okay.’
What are you doing? So let me get this straight… one of the best coaches in the world goes to his son’s football game and you stay silent…
: I stand by myself and remain silent.
What are you doing? Do you say much to him afterwards?
: Just around joy. For example, they played a match the other day… They lost 10-2. I was dying inside. I got in the car and thought: ‘What did you enjoy today?’ And he said: ‘Oh, I love playing out in the open.’ I want him to keep this love for as long as possible.
What are you doing? You mentioned that both parents were a huge influence… your mother too…
: My mother encouraged me to do anything I wanted. He just supported us to go and do it. If I tell her, ‘Mom, I want to go work for the UN.’ … ‘Oh, go and do it if you want, dear.’ It was as if he was given permission to explore and experiment. As a mother now, I truly appreciate her in a million ways. It was a huge part of my life then, but I think it’s become an even bigger part of my life since my dad passed away. At this stage of life I really feel like I need my mom in a different way. So for me, they are my biggest heroes. It helps me a lot, especially with menopause. For example, if I’m feeling anxious or there are things I know I’m struggling with, he’ll say: ‘Take off the paper bag, take a breath, and calm your mind.’
What are you doing? It feels different when your mom says that, doesn’t it?
: I never had anxiety until I hit menopause. What I’ve learned is that when estrogen disappears from your body, especially when you go into sudden menopause like I did, I didn’t experience a gradual menopause, I experienced a sudden menopause. When I had emergency surgery and lost both ovaries… estrogen is in your body not only a lubricant for your joints, but also a lubricant for your brain. Your brain says ‘hello estrogen, where are you?’ he starts asking. And he can’t find it. Then there is a decrease in dopamine and serotonin. So your body is struggling and has many inabilities to do this naturally, so your anxiety level increases. This got worse for me when I had Harry, but became even more severe after I went through sudden menopause.
What are you doing? You are a football coach. Why is it so important for you to talk about things like this?
Emma: As a woman, I think we should live our life in football through male eyes and we are different. We think differently, we have different needs, we experience the game differently.
My favorite thing about being in America is that they value women’s sports. I feel like I need to talk about this. I had a conference the other day and they asked me about my first experiences with prejudices and these were formed from a very young age. Whether you go to coaching courses where you are the only woman or imagine that the referees come and go directly to your male assistant and think that they are the head coach. If you talk about certain things that people don’t actually see as aggressive behavior, they don’t realize the position that women might be feeling in that situation. My dad always said: ‘No, make it better for others, even if you have to get punched in the face.’ I think this is difficult sometimes. Sometimes I wonder, ‘Why am I putting myself in this situation?’ I think. Other days I say, ‘If I can make the path better for someone else, then do it.’
