How to deal with disliking a friend’s partner

It was supposed to be a TV series about the biggest and most beautiful homes in Los Angeles, but the people selling them often stole the show. The latest episodes of Netflix’s reality series Selling Sunset, now in its ninth season, have sparked a debate about how to deal with a friend’s “toxic” partner.

The show’s two stars – real estate agents Chrishell Stause and Emma Hernan – fight on and off camera over Emma’s boyfriend, Blake Davis, whom Chrishell dislikes.

This boiled over during a late-season reunion, sparking debate online about how, or even whether, you can stay friends with someone whose partner you don’t like.

We spoke to one woman and two relationship experts who have experienced this dilemma firsthand about what to do in this difficult situation.

On the show, Stause, 44, says she never approved of Hernan’s relationship with real estate developer Davis. She claims she “love bombed” Hernan early in the relationship and there were “major red flags.” I love bombing It usually involves showering one’s partner with gifts, attention, and various promises.

Hernan told Netflix online streaming He doesn’t “blame” Stause for trying to protect him, but says he wants Stause to “step back and realize his level of love and support.” She also said: “I enjoyed my time with him… Everyone can say whatever they want or love him or hate him. But ultimately it’s my choice who I’ll be with.”

Some of us have experienced similar situations first hand.

Hannah, who did not want to give her surname, told BBC News she had a falling out with long-time friend Georgia (not her real name) over a partner.

Hannah said Georgia “has a history of dating not-so-nice people” and moved away from London with a new partner who “proposed to her pretty quickly, I think within a year or so.”

Georgia felt like she was “under his spell”, and Hannah says that one night before the wedding, Georgia’s fiancée made sexual comments about Hannah. “He came up to me and started telling me very vividly and clearly everything he wanted to do.”

He said the experience was “very disturbing” and “came out of nowhere.”

When Hannah told Georgia about it a few days later, Georgia “tried to minimize it and say things like ‘he does this with all his female friends,’ and I was trying to explain to her that he was saying really inappropriate things,” says Hannah.

Relationship expert and counselor Anna Williamson, who works as a dating expert on Channel 4’s Celebs Go Dating, says it can be difficult trying to support a friend if you’re worried about their partner.

It’s important not to judge them or tell them what to do, she says. Judging your friend may cause them to act defensively, but finding the line between supporting and judging is “a real challenge.”

“We have to be really careful about compartmentalising our own emotions and not projecting them onto a friend because they may not realize they’re in a toxic relationship,” she tells the BBC. “They may be feeling shame and masking it.”

She recommends starting a conversation by saying something like this to a friend: “I care about you so much, but I want to check in because I noticed you seem really stressed lately.”

Williamson adds that it’s important to “stick to the facts” and only discuss with them things you’ve observed. She recommends avoiding phrases like “I really don’t like them,” “I think they’re toxic,” or “I think they’re abusive.”

If you still want to see your friend but don’t want to be around their partner, Williamson says this can be resolved sensitively. “I’d say something like: ‘I really care about you, but I need some time away from your partner because I’m not happy with his behavior, but I really want to spend time with you.'”

It’s also important to make sure you have support around you because constantly looking after someone else can be tiring, she says.

Yasmin Shaheen-Zaffar, a relationship and trauma counselor, says some of the tension while watching Selling Sunset comes from the actors talking behind each other’s backs and then confronting each other about it.

“Avoid gossiping and talking about your friend or partner with others, which could trigger hysteria,” Shaheen-Zaffar told the BBC. He says it’s important to “keep yourself safe” because anything you say “can be taken out of context or used against you.”

What if you disagree with a friend’s partner’s views or values?

In Selling Sunset, Stause and Hernan argue over Davis’ views on politics.

Davis was scheduled to appear in the ninth season of Selling Sunset, but her scenes were cut after another storyline involving Hernan was deemed more relevant. It is unknown if Davis and Stause had disagreements in any of the scenes, but Hernan denied that Davis expressed “political views” in front of Stause.

If you still want that friend to be a part of your life, Shaheen-Zaffar says, ultimately you “need to respect individual people’s decisions” and “try to remain civil.” “I think we’ve developed a culture that if someone doesn’t agree with what we think, we don’t like them,” he says.

This is not the advice he says he would give if someone is clearly a “bigot”, but rather the advice he says he would give if he has views you disagree with. “It takes a lot of personal growth and digging deep to understand and accept the views of others,” he adds.

Your ability to deal with a friend’s partner’s conflicting views depends on what “aligns with your values,” she says.

Sometimes your partner’s actions can be too much for you and completely ruin your friendships.

After what happened with Georgia’s partner, Hannah came to the conclusion that she would never see her friend again if she chose to stay with him.

“I told him, ‘I love you, the door is always open, but I can’t keep him in my life,’ and he wasn’t a good, healthy presence and I was very uncomfortable and scared,” Hannah adds.

He said he and Georgia had not spoken since and that the end of the friendship was “really painful”. He and Georgia “were friends for a long time and had a lot of fun together”; but in hindsight he says he ultimately wouldn’t have done anything differently.