How to avoid family rows over Christmas

Christmas is declared the most wonderful time of the year; but the day itself may contain all the ingredients for a family fight.

There’s a reason you don’t see some of these people all year; You know someone will criticize your cooking, there will be a heated argument at dinner, and they will argue over the TV remote control.

We spoke to psychologists and parenting experts to find out their top tips on how to keep the Christmas spirit and avoid family mishaps.

Start by refusing to chase the idealized movie version of Christmas, says psychotherapist and author Philippa Perry.

“We need to lower our expectations for what Christmas will give us so we don’t end up being so disappointed,” he said. CBeebies’ Parenting Helpline podcast.

Unspoken rules like “we have to see everyone” only add to the social media pressure on what a perfect Christmas Day should look like.

Parenting coach, former teacher, and Connected podcast host Natalie Costa encourages people to remember that no one’s life looks the same online. “Behind all the happy family photos there are children and adults experiencing major crises,” he says.

This reality check can help reduce feelings of guilt about not being competent.

Instead of trying to compete with others, she suggests approaching Christmas with this attitude: “What does good enough look like?”

Gift exchanging is a big part of Christmas. Dizzying early wake-up calls are inevitable if you have young children at home.

But Prof Perry says gift-giving can sometimes be competitive, especially among large families where budgets can vary.

The best way to deal with this is not to try to compete or control children’s relationships with adults, but to reframe the situation.

Grandparents, aunts and uncles encourage parents to “let it go” if they choose to spoil their youngsters.

Costa adds that this can be a useful way to discuss values ​​with children later, and emphasizes that larger gifts do not reflect love.

“You can’t buy love,” says Prof Perry. “What children enjoy is your attention and being played with. This is better than any gift.”

Complex family dynamics don’t disappear just because Christmas is here and the festive classics are playing.

One minute you’re happily drinking mulled wine, the next you’re asked why you’re not happily married or if you’re planning children.

Any resentments, tensions, and differences in values ​​will remain, along with the added pressure of achieving the dream of a happy family.

Passive-aggressive comments often stem from someone else’s stress and insecurity, says psychotherapist Sarah Turner. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can make it feel less personal.

When we feel pinned, our instinct is to defend or retreat, but Turner recommends pausing first. “You have the power to choose how you respond.”

Another tip is to ask for clarification. Often, loved ones will reframe what they said rather than repeating it; because they know it’s a loaded comment.

If there’s a “gist of truth” in what they’re saying, Turner adds, then acknowledging that can help “emotions get put to rest because they feel like they’re being heard.”

This doesn’t mean you agree or give up; it’s just letting that person know that you understand where they’re coming from. In the heat of family dynamics, this can make all the difference.

Children naturally get excited on Christmas day; but this burst of energy often means great exhausted emotions later, including tantrums and tears.

Costa recommends having a simple conversation ahead of time to set the rules to prevent other family members from stepping in and trying to manage this.

He advises: “I know [how we parent] It may be different from what you do… What helps us the most is keeping things consistent, so if anything comes up, leave it to us.”

Have a few simple, non-negotiable limits, like screen time limits and basic safety limits.

Costa says some families also find it helpful to have something carefree to relieve the pressure. Someone used the code word “smelly banana” to signal that things were getting too big.

No matter whose home you visit, managing expectations is crucial. Tell kids who will be there, how the day will go, and what they can do if they start feeling overloaded.

Christmas dinner often includes foods we rarely eat the rest of the year, such as brussels sprouts, red cabbage, and turkey.

Some adults and many children dislike these foods.

Consultant psychologist Dr. Ritika Suk Birah says in a disapproving tone that what we call “agitation” is usually anxiety and sensitivity. The key to an enjoyable meal is to eliminate emotional baggage.

Offer several predictable options, normalize different preferences, and don’t turn food into a moral issue.

“Autonomy is essential for adults; offer alternatives without comment,” she says.

For children encountering things like sprouting for the first time, a “safe plate” with festive foods may come in handy; Something familiar grounds them so they can explore new foods at their own pace.

With TV, often filled with food and slightly chilled, Christmas can be at the center of family time.

But disagreements about what to watch are common.

Older relatives often want shared traditions; young people want autonomy and innovation, especially in the age of YouTube.

Dr Birah says the best approach is to decide on a monitoring plan before emotions run high. Agree on a simple rotation: a common schedule, independent choice and a certain period during which the screens will be removed.

“If the idea of ​​watching older people’s TV gives your teenagers trouble, accept their perspective,” says Costa.

Something like: “I understand. YouTube is exciting and fun, and you really enjoy it.”

Then explain what else is going on: “We’re spending time together as a family right now. That part is important too.”