Why you lie more than you think and how it could harm you

From petty social excuses to intentional deceptions, lying is something most of us do, often without considering why.

In The Traitors, contestants are rewarded for convincing others to believe an alternative version of events, and the drama boils down to who can best control the narrative.

In real life, we don’t want to think of ourselves as the rivals in the BBC drama because we think “liars are bad people”, says chartered psychologist Kimberley Wilson: Presenter of the BBC’s Complex podcast.

As a result, most of us underestimate how often we distort the truth. “Mostly we just pretend we don’t do it,” he says.

This can apply to white lies, such as telling a housemate that you don’t have time to clean when you can’t be disturbed, or, more damagingly, pretending to be working late to cover up an issue.

One listener said they lied to their partners about a two-day business conference, claiming it was in York instead of New York and staying there for the rest of the week. “I have a stressful job and kids and I needed a break,” she said.

Psychotherapist Dr Charlotte Cooper says such a lie can highlight a problem in the relationship.

“I’m finding it difficult to be honest in this story. I wonder what’s going on with the way some things can’t be said.”

He explains that lying, at its core, is “telling a story with the intention of deceiving people,” which he warns is a powerful distortion of reality and can ultimately cause harm.

It is precisely this power that makes lying so fascinating in The Traitors; The longer the lie is maintained, the more devastating it is to be exposed.

In the real world, the same behaviors can leave us isolated, anxious and disconnected, says Dr Cooper.

The results, he says, tend to be cumulative rather than enjoyable.

Research analyzing nearly 100,000 lies suggests that about 20% is about managing social interactions, going off schedule, or smoothing out awkward interactions in relationships.

According to research, most people tell one or two small lies a day.

Dr. Cooper says frequent lying quickly becomes a “risky tactic” because there is a chance of being exposed.

This hidden threat is changing our relationships with each other.

Even if the lie is not revealed, deception forces us to interact on a more superficial level.

Conversations become more subtle and careful as details become dangerous.

Over time, this self-censorship can be deeply isolating.

“Lying is really lonely,” explains Dr Cooper. “You are creating a lonely reality and you are alone on a small planet.”

Although lying makes the moment go easier, it often makes the next one difficult. The emotional cost is what psychologists call cognitive load.

“We’re thinking about survival in the moment, but you’re not thinking about what’s going to happen next,” says Dr Cooper.

Maintaining a false story requires constant mental effort: remembering what was said, to whom and when it was said can be “a lot to carry.”

So can lying ever be justified?

It depends on who lied and who did it.

Dr Cooper says not all lies are harmful and some can “protect us psychologically or keep us safe”.

He explains that children often lie instinctively as a form of self-protection to avoid being scolded, and adults may also lie automatically in moments of panic.

It describes a spectrum of violence.

While slight lies of omission can be forgiven, “sticky” medium-sized deceptions can often be resolved with support and kindness.

But long-term acts of deception, like long-term relationships, are different.

At this extreme, he says, lies can last for decades and affect victims for just as long.

Dr Cooper’s advice is to “always be kind” to yourself because complete honesty is not always possible or appropriate.

You should focus on forgiving yourself and maintaining integrity.

One practical step is to find the truth in what you want to say and communicate that instead.

For example, it may be instinctive to tell a fundraiser on the street that you’ve already donated to that charity or that you’re too busy to stop.

But instead of making an excuse, you can simply say: “Today is not for me.”

“The truth doesn’t have to be cruel or harsh,” he adds.

If you don’t want to go to a social event, instead of lying, you can say: “I don’t want to come to the party tonight, but let’s meet another time.”

“Practice and it gets easier over time.

“It’s not about showing up, it’s about honesty and the kind of person you want to be.”