QUENTIN LETTS: China’s hard nut foreign affairs minister gobbles Oxford twits like Jonathan Powell for elevenses. And speaks better English than Angela Rayner…

Kow-tow Keir, who came to Beijing to polish his knees, had a lot of fun. Distance to North Korea: 570 miles. Distance from Denton and Gorton to the less docile Manchester constituency: 3,029 miles.

Sir Keir visited the Forbidden City (no, not Manchester) on the second day of his official tour and posed outside the 15th-century imperial compound’s Hall of Supreme Harmony. Guarded by security guards and serenaded by a military band of fearsome skirted amazons, the nasal knight has rarely looked happier. The British delegation was driven here and there by a police convoy that cleared the streets of the Chinese capital with rare efficiency. Downing Street’s control freaks must be jealous.

Someone told the Prime Minister that his Chinese zodiac sign is the water tiger – ‘known for his kindness and intelligence, but can sometimes have indecisiveness and difficulty accepting the ideas of others’. Maybe there’s something to this astrology joke.

Sir Keir stepped off a British Airways jet on Wednesday to have a bouquet of bluebells and lilies in his arms. Chinese officials love flowers. Good for hiding microphones. When the somewhat foolish British delegation arrived to meet President Xi at the Great Hall of the People, they found two long tables separated by a 25-foot rhododendron moat surrounded by greenery. If you’re considering a career in the Chinese diplomatic service, you don’t want to suffer from hay fever.

Sir Keir and business minister Peter Kyle looked slightly jet-lagged and bleary-eyed. Not so Jonathan Powell, national security adviser and veteran of many sales. He lay down on his chair with a friendly attitude. As everyone sat close and tense at the table, Mr. Powell pushed his public schoolboy seat back about a foot to better stretch his legs.

Opposite the British, against the official, stood the wax statues of the Chinese Politburo. Among them was Wang Yi, the feared foreign minister who helped persuade Mr. Xi to weaponize Russia’s nasty war against Ukraine. Mr Wang has been devouring Oxford tweets like Powell for elevens. He didn’t bother with the simultaneous translation headphones because he spoke fluent English, in fact much more flawlessly than Angela Rayner.

After lunch, Sir Keir was seen writing the words two mandarins, interlocking his fingertips in the Mediterranean style and trying to say ‘xieixe’ (thank you). Mr Xi appeared stunned by Sir Keir’s blunt effort and an interpreter rushed to help. Not since Sir Edward Heath’s French accent has there been such a linguistic atrocity.

Mr Xi enthused that Labor governments had made ‘significant contributions’ to Sino-British relations over the years. Sir Keir said he wanted a ‘sophisticated’ relationship with the Xi regime as a way back. ‘Sophisticated’, like ‘subtle’, is a word used by London diplomats such as Jonathan Powell to mean ‘unprincipled’.

The Prime Minister lands and is accompanied by British Ambassador to China Peter Wilson

Gifts were exchanged. Sir Keir gave Mr Xi a football that was used in a recent match against Manchester United. The Chinese president is a ‘red’, as supporters of the United States (and hardline communists) know. Premier Li Qian gave flutist Sir Keir three flutes so that he could play Beijing’s melody better. Mr. Xi gave him a copper horse statue. This was the limit of his generosity. No major commercial favors were made.

Describing their day, Sir Keir’s team was excited that the Forbidden City was an ‘ancient complex’. The Chinese are full of ancient complexes. In 1792, on behalf of George III, Earl Macartney led a British diplomatic mission to Emperor Qianlong. The British arrived with a Herschel telescope, various cannons, Wedgwood pottery, clocks, clocks and chandeliers. The Emperor gave them a stern look and said, ‘I have nothing to do with the manufacturers of the country.’ Qianlong said Macartney’s demand for a trade deal was ‘a request that goes against our dynastic tradition’.

Nothing actually changes, but Mr. Xi may be pleased. He humiliated Sir Keir and this trip will irritate the Americans.