QUENTIN LETTS: Punctured perhaps beyond repair, Sir Keir Starmer was deflating before our eyes. Kemi kept bayonetting him. From Labour MPs, a cold, sinister silence
Sir Keir Starmer, perhaps pierced beyond repair, was fading before our eyes. The Prime Minister had nothing to offer. He prostrated himself before the House of Commons and begged for mercy, but he had no appetite for it. A slow, sustained “ugh” sound was heard as the air exited the balloon.
Kemi Badenoch continued to bayonet him. The whole row had left Sir Keir, the once star prosecutor, piously berating Boris Johnson over a goddamn birthday cake. This scandal was even worse: sexual repressions, betrayal of Cabinet secrets, greed for the dollar (or Kremlin ruble), and a diplomatic foul play in Washington DC. The retreating workers watched their wavering leaders and made no sound. Just came this cold, ominous silence.
A number of people, including Watford’s Matt Turmaine, backed Sir Keir when he arrived at 11.59am. Now that Miss Badenoch’s coy knight was in trouble, Mr. Turmaine closed his foolish trap by confessing that he had known all along how daft Mandelson was.
Through the hissing silence came Mrs. Badenoch’s insistent interrogations. He was cool, radiantly superior. Third time: Did Mandelson’s official review uncover Epstein’s dirt? Ser Keir couldn’t lie anymore. ‘Yes, that’s what happened.’
Seeing the head of our government so helpless in the mailbox gave me goosebumps. Ser Keir’s allies didn’t know where to look. Treasury’s Lucy Rigby, his latest favourite, turned her gaze sideways, away from him. Wes Streeting glared at the Tory front bench. Yvette Cooper maintained her uncomfortable, almost sidesaddle position and didn’t move a muscle. Business Secretary Peter Kyle tried to include Mr Streeting in the conversation. Wes ignored him.
The respected Labor backbencher Torcuil Crichton (Western Isles) rubbed his beard, used car salesman Peregrine Moon (Camborne) frowned and Jess Asato (Lowestoft) glared at the ceiling. Chief stalwart John Slinger (Rugby) was in the red. Graeme Downie (Dunfermline) clasped his hands between his legs. Sir Keir’s new parliamentary deputy, Jon Pearce, couldn’t stop shaking his legs.
At PMQs, Sir Keir Starmer said Peter Mandelson’s ‘lying’ was ‘beyond infuriating’, but he was backed by a sullen parliamentary party of Labor MPs.
Quentin Letts writes that out of the hissing silence came the persistent questioning of Kemi Badenoch – she was unflappable and sparklingly superior to the prime minister.
Sir Keir said Mandelson ‘lied, lied and lied’. It is the duty of a prime minister, and of course the star prosecutor, to be worldly and overcome such deceptions. “Beyond infuriating,” stammered Ser Keir. ‘There was a process’ And again with constipated despair: ‘There was a process!’ Behind him sat a sullen parliamentary party going through the mourning process.
PMQs were followed by order points. Sir Keir is scalded and soggy. We soon entered the opposition day debate, with the Conservatives calling for the publication of all Mandelson papers. Sir Keir had tried to insist on a restrictive change. This position was soon abandoned.
Weak and isolated from the cats, Angela Rayner joined the rebellion. He read his intervention from a prepared script. What kind of business policy is this? They crouch back and slide the stiletto between their former comrade’s collarbones. Ms. Rayner betrayed no emotion or excitement. There was anemia that made his neck tingle.
The Minister in the lodge was Paymaster Nick Thomas-Symonds. People who would interfere with the Labor Party attacked him, bees surrounding a lion. At one point six of them stood up, all ‘will he give way?’ He was shouting, but none of them helped. The government had lost control. The decks were being invaded due to mutiny.
Dame Emily Thornberry wore shiny new boots. Dame Meg Hillier was in no mood to comply. The Speaker told the minister not to hide behind any police investigation. Mr Thomas-Symonds’s signature neck twitch soon came in handy three times over.
The Leader of the House, Sir Alan Campbell, challenged Ms Rayner to the debate. Ministers immediately started calling their mobile phones when they received statements that the government would take a step back. The Corbyns went wild, with Richard Burgon (Lab, Leeds E) accusing the Starmers of ‘disgusting factionalism’. Ha! The left was outraged by the recolonization of lands long held by moderates. New Labor was burning, Blairism was dead.
Paula Barker (Lab, Liverpool Wavertree) said Mandelson ‘had his nose in the hole’. Just as long as he has a nose, dear.
