People who are confident and ‘demand more respect’ use these phrases: Career expert
In short, every business consists of people talking to others.
As a career coach, I have mentored professionals at all career stages. From what I’ve seen, those who stand out the quickest know how to communicate in a way that gets people to truly listen.
You may not realize it, but the language you use may be standing between you and what you want.
Here are five simple language exchanges that can help you succeed at work, build meaningful relationships, and demand more respect in the workplace.
1. Exchange requires closed and open questions
You’ll always encounter those moments when you have a question you’re not sure how to ask.
Maybe you want to work from home, take paid leave, or take an extra week off for your honeymoon. Since these are high-stakes situations, most people enter the conversation by radiating anxiety, cornering their opponent, or asking a closed-ended, yes or no question.
But asking an open-ended question can take the pressure off both parties and invite dialogue about a process, priority, or norm. It makes you look thoughtful rather than entitled.
- “Can you write me a recommendation?” instead of “What is your typical process for writing a proposal?” Try the option.
- “Can I leave early on Friday?” instead of “How does the team typically handle flexibility on Fridays?” Try the option.
- “Can I get a promotion?” instead of “What should my priorities be if I want to get promoted this year?” Try the option.
2. Replace your apologies with gratitude
Whether it’s a typo in a Slack message or you’re running 15 minutes late for an important meeting, missteps happen.
Sometimes real apologies are necessary, but over-apologizing often backfires. Research found that habitual, unnecessary apologizing can erode how others perceive your competence and self-confidence.
But it can also feel weird not to acknowledge small mistakes, so I recommend replacing unnecessary apologies with gratitude.
- “Sorry I’m a minute late!” try instead “Thank you so much for waiting. Let’s get started.”
- Instead of “I’m sorry for all the questions,” say “I really appreciate you taking the time to talk me through this.”
- Instead of “Sorry, I know this is last minute,” try saying, “Thank you for being flexible with the timeline. I know this is last minute.”
3. Replace your ‘buts’ with ‘ands’
The word “but” often negates everything that comes before it. When you state two equally valid things, I recommend using “and” instead of “but.”
- Instead of “I love my job but I need a salary,” try “I love my job and I need a salary.”
- Instead of “This was a great quarter, but we need to increase retention,” try “This was a great quarter and we need to increase retention.”
- Instead of “I appreciate the feedback, but I disagree,” try “I appreciate the feedback and see it a little differently.”
The “and” version of these examples does not reduce either expression. It allows for more nuance and clarity by allowing two things to be true at the same time.
4. Use ‘I noticed this’ instead of ‘I feel like…’
“I feel like it” can seem gentle, gentle, and humble, which are all wonderful things. But in a professional setting, it can soften your message to the point where it can be easily ignored. It frames your professional observations as personal feelings.
In a work environment where data and clarity dominate, this framing can work against you. Instead you can say:
- Instead of “I feel like we are behind schedule,” try “I notice we are behind schedule.”
- Instead of “I think we should go for the second option,” try “My advice is for us to go for the second option.”
- Instead of “I feel like we disagree,” try “It seems like we disagree on this.”
5. Replace ‘why’ with ‘how’ or ‘what’
Questions that start with “why” can make people defensive. Even if not intentional, “why” often implies judgment, asking someone to justify their choices or thinking.
When someone feels the need to defend themselves, the conversation stops being cooperative and starts to become hostile. Instead, ask your conversation partner to walk you through their thought process rather than demanding they explain themselves.
- “Why do you think it would be wise to start a week early?” “How do you think launching a week early would benefit the campaign?” Try the option.
- “Why are you doing this?” instead of “What technique do you use?” Try the option.
- “Why did you move the meeting to another location?” instead of “What was the reason for postponing the meeting?” Try the option.
- “Why did you think it wouldn’t work?” Try “How did you come to that conclusion?”
Ultimately, when you make these changes, the person you’re talking to will feel more listened to and respected, and will be more willing to have an honest conversation with you as a result.
Erin McGoff She is the founder and author of AdviceWithErin. “The Secret Language of Work.” Follow him @AdviceWithErin.
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