Gen Z feels alone in their struggles—what they need to hear: Harvard psychologist
Anyone who spends time around Generation Z or watches the news about them has heard these clichés: more worried, fragileAnd pampered than previous generations.
aspect developmental psychologist at HarvardI study the experience of growing up across generations and have heard every variation on this theme. Undoubtedly, Gen Z is struggling: Research shows they’re more likely to struggle report mental health issues And I’m faced with a bigger face Obstacles to job security than previous generations.
But I have also documented how narratives of generational differences can be wildly exaggerated. while walking research with my co-author Nancy Hill studied interviews With college students from the class of 1975. Then interviewed again participants who are currently in their seventies. We were stunned by what we discovered.
Fifty years later, they recalled triumphant accounts of their experiences in college and career paths. They told stories about the certainty they felt in their career choices. They described how they confidently overcame obstacles and recalled the warmth of friendship and community they felt while struggling. But when he listened to the tapes, it became clear that they felt just as uncertain and alone at the time as students today.
This gap between our memory of experienced events and reality is a predictable human phenomenon. according to end of peak ruleWe remember the most emotionally intense moments and endings of experiences, while the messy middle fades away.
Forgetting the complex, confusing parts of our experiences, that is, the messy parts, is not a problem in itself. It becomes a problem when we leave out the parts that young people need to hear most. Every time we tell these incomplete stories, we risk creating barriers and pushing them to think: I think I’m the only one having a hard time. Everyone else had figured it out.
There is a better way to help when talking to young people. Try these four things:
1. Resist the ‘children of today’ frame
It’s tempting to say: “Why can’t they figure it out? I figured it out!”
Instead, ask yourself: How did I feel when I first encountered an obstacle before I understood everything? What was it like to fail for the first time? The initial heartbreak or rejection letter is made even harder when you don’t have any lived experience to place it in a larger context.
By tapping into the emotion of these experiences, you can enter the conversation with empathy rather than judgment.
2. Listen more, talk less
Don’t assume that your conclusion or uncertainties reflect those of the Gen Zers you’re talking to. Ask questions before you start giving advice. Dig into the emotional details of their experiences by asking: “What are you most worried about?”
Help them identify the emotions behind these concerns, such as shame over failure, fear of the future, or sadness at losing what they had hoped for.
Then give them space to process these emotions. Each of these emotions requires a very different type of response, and by allowing them to frame the conversation you can meet them where they are.
3. Share your current challenges
It’s tempting to tell stories about the past when we want to inspire young people. But we can also connect with them based on our current experiences. Instead of telling a story when you were their age, focus on stories about today.
Share a more recent problem at home or work that relates to what they are experiencing and how you intend to solve it. It’s helpful for them to see the feeling of a puzzle still going on and to know that you can relate to what they’re experiencing.
4. Remember the messy middle
If you have a good example from the past to share, you can overcome summit framing to be really helpful.
Before you share your own story about the college course you barely passed or the job you loved that didn’t pay off, take a moment to think back and tap into the emotions you’re feeling.
Use this part of the experience to connect with what teens are feeling in the moment. If that’s the case, you can still tell them how it all worked out in the end, but make sure your story doesn’t make the answer seem quick and easy — because it’s unlikely to be that way either.
By sharing a more authentic version of our own stories, we are much more likely to connect with young people and help them develop the skills they need to overcome obstacles in their own journeys. In fact, this is the part that teens need to hear the most when they are struggling and trying too hard to try to figure things out.
Alexis Redding is a developmental psychologist and leading expert on young adulthood. He is a faculty member at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, where he directs the Transition to Adulthood Lab and is the Faculty Director of the Mental Health in Higher Education program. He is the co-author of the book.End of Adolescence” and editor “Mental Health at University”
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