Belle Burden’s ‘Strangers’ highlights financial red flags for women
Getty Images | Rebecca Drobis
“Strangers: Memoirs of a Marriage” is a book about betrayal, heartbreak, and loss. But for women, the financial lessons here are very important.
In her bestselling memoir, author Belle Burden describes the deeply personal disintegration of her marriage after her husband admitted to having an affair and suddenly left her in the early days of the Covid outbreak.
Although Burden and her husband lived a lavish lifestyle, with homes in both Manhattan and Martha’s Vineyard, she wrote, an ill-advised amendment to their prenuptial agreement in the days before the wedding left her with no claim to the fortune they had accumulated during their two-decade marriage. Although Burden was born into a prominent and wealthy family, he wrote that he had no income of his own at the time.
Like many women, Burden, a lawyer, had put her career aside to care for her children, support her husband, and the demands of her job at a hedge fund in New York.
“We had made an unspoken bargain: he would always work, and I would always take care of the kids,” he wrote.
According to Burden, under the terms of the couple’s prenuptial agreement, only assets in joint names will be divided, including their primary residence and their second home on Martha’s Vineyard, which they bought and put in both their names. Earnings over 20 years would not be subject to division.
By his own admission, Burden had initially ignored the advice of his lawyer, who had warned against the deal.
Burden wrote that he was not involved in their day-to-day finances during their marriage and did not properly plan for the possibility of the relationship ending.
“I had not protected myself when I chose comfort over conflict, not knowing over not knowing. I had put myself out there, one decision at a time,” he wrote.
Courtesy: Penguin Random House
The book generated a lot of buzz and some criticism, especially regarding Burden’s financial disengagement.
“I still see a surprising number of people, at all income levels, who are blind to the financial aspects of their marriage,” said Elisabeth Salvadore, a partner specializing in family law at Brinkley Morgan in Boca Raton, Florida.
Winnie Sun, co-founder and managing director of Sun Group Wealth Partners, based in Irvine, California, also likens this common pitfall to a “blind spot.” “The real cost is not what you don’t earn, but what you don’t see,” he said.
‘Why visibility is important’
“That’s why visibility is important from a planning perspective,” said member Sun. CNBC’s Council of Financial Advisors. “Transparency in a marriage should include knowing where the money is and what its name is,” he said. “Being a stranger to your own family’s finances… rarely feels like a problem until it suddenly becomes a problem.”
Research shows that women shoulder the majority of caregiving responsibilities, even in households where both partners work, and experts say many marriages still adhere to traditional gender roles when it comes to men taking the lead on finances.
“I’ve worked with so many amazing women who say, ‘I handle everything except the investments.’ And I always think… you’re already doing the hard work,” Sun said. “Learning how financial assets work, asking questions, getting involved… this is where long-term growth can happen.”
Some personal finance education at an early age can be key to avoiding these problems later. Many studies show a direct relationship between financial literacy and long-term financial health.
“Even in long-term stable marriages, it is critical for individuals to have at least a basic understanding of household finances, including access to accounts such as bank accounts and retirement accounts, awareness of assets and liabilities, and participation in major financial decisions,” said Kelly Davidzuk, managing partner of the Stange Law Firm in Clayton, Missouri.
At the very least, “make it a habit to open mail and review all monthly statements, including mortgages, car payments, credit card statements and cell phone bills, and be careful,” Davidzuk said.
money dates
Experts often recommend the routine ““Financial date nights” as a way to connect with your partner and discuss savings goals, major expenses, and future plans.
“A money date is a structured financial check-in that you build around something fun,” said Sheila Schroeder, author of “It’s Time to Talk: A Woman’s Guide to Navigating Money Conversations.”
“Walk and talk, go to a cute cafe, drink coffee and have a piece of cake. Make sure you do these things at least once a month,” Schroeder said.
prenuptial agreement
At the beginning of marriage, Salvadore said, “communication is very important and coming to an agreement, whether formal or not, about how money will be earned, how money will be saved and how expenses will be covered is very important.”
‘Yours, mine and ours’
Many financial experts recommend keeping some funds separate so that each partner retains some ownership and control. “I’m a big fan of the ‘yours, mine, and ours’ approach to managing your money,” Sun said, referring to the practice of having a joint account for shared household expenses alongside individual accounts. he said.
“Money is financial independence, but it can also give you mental peace financially,” Sun said.
Eventually, Burden wrote, she and her husband reached an agreement: She would keep the New York apartment and the house in Massachusetts, while he would keep his earnings and assets and pay alimony.
Burden went on to write his best-selling book and reports He said he recently sold the rights to a film adaptation starring Gwyneth Paltrow. netflix.
Burden’s publicist did not immediately respond to a request for comment.
