Krishna Shastri Devulapalli | How A Safe Space Triggered My Trauma

Not too long ago, friendships, romantic partnerships, and business relationships ended because one person couldn’t stand the smell of another’s hair oil, hated the way they chewed, or found the bhajans to taste awful. And one punched the other in the nose to announce the end of the relationship. Those were good times, trust me.

Nowadays everyone is a psychology graduate and the starting point of every conflict is trauma. For example, someone I knew recently jumped over the counter with surprising agility for his size, put the chef around his neck, and recited Sivaji Ganesan’s monologue from Parasakthi to him as he fought for his life. Because there was no puris left in the buffet. He called it trauma.

Listen, you psycho chatterboxes are using big words the wrong way just because it allows you to be late, overbearing, or rude, here I’ll share a few so regular people like me can protect themselves.

Let’s start with ‘borders’. Here’s the thing about boundaries. Because everyone is talking about them these days and most of them misunderstand them. People think that the boundaries they draw belong only to them. No sir. That’s not how borders work. The same boundaries you draw to protect yourself and ensure your well-being are automatically drawn to protect you for everyone else.

Every time you change the shape or thickness of your border, that magically changes for everyone around you. Same shape, same size, same thickness, same permeability, an exact copy of your border.

The best example of a limit is the two blue ticks on WhatsApp. If you change your privacy setting to ‘turn off read receipts’ you will automatically turn this setting off for all your contacts.

How about your next ‘trigger’? Now everyone on social media seems to be on guard.

You say something you think is restrained enough and one or the other gets triggered.

What does this mean?

This basically means that they absolve themselves of the responsibility of remaining polite in their responses. Holster the gun, guys. This isn’t the Wild West. And you’re not Wild Bill Hickock. Make sure the safety catch is open and load the Colt with blanks if necessary.

I disagree with most of the things most people say on social media. But I exercise my right not to answer. Because I don’t see what you said as an invitation to a duel at noon. Maybe most people’s so-called triggers have become hair triggers precisely because they wander around with their index fingers stroking those poor things.

(I bet this piece will ‘trigger’ someone.)

Here’s another favorite: the safe space.

I’m afraid of someone telling me I’m their safe space because I know sooner or later I’ll be the exact opposite. From where? Because they misunderstood the concept of ‘safe space’.

What kind of person is a safe space? In my understanding, it is someone who allows room for someone else to be vulnerable without judging them, never using that vulnerability against them. Being a safe space does not include blanket permission and encouragement of everything a person does. A safe space is not a place that validates one’s tolerance. It’s not a safe area. This is an enabler. And ironically the enabler is an unsafe space. (See how I use a term correctly.)

Then there are ‘expectations’. Yes, this is not a purely psychological term, but when asked I see people use this term to get rid of responsibility, reciprocity.

‘You seem to have unfair expectations of me.’

I’ve heard this from friends/family/colleagues more than a few times when I’ve graciously voiced my displeasure and voiced my concerns.

My answer has always been the same.

‘I have no expectations from you. ‘I only have prerequisites for myself.’

Asking and demanding, kindness, promptness, fairness, approval, even gratitude are not expectations. This is the bare minimum. Either way.

Then there is ‘self-care’. I recently saw an article about a Bollywood star titled “…celebrating Valentine’s Day with her sister…indulging in self-care.”

How, man? How? How can you ‘indulge’ in ‘self-care’? Pampering is the opposite of self-care.

Going to the spa and having someone put baby oil on your hole, getting a nose job, going on a boy gang vacation, and spending time all by yourself – these things don’t fall under self-care. They are self-indulgent.

People seem to use the word self-care when talking about self-indulgence. Self-care includes meeting a person’s needs such as rest, nutritious nutrition, exercise, solitude, and silence. It often requires doing less. No more. You can’t buy self-care. You are learning. You apply it.

Indulging in pleasures, on the other hand, involves responding to one’s desires; We often confuse this with our own needs.

Also, by the way, when you ask a guy a question or put him in a place where he has to answer, explain something to you, that’s not an explanatory explanation. Yes, mansplaining is very common, but that’s not the point. This is just a guy explaining to you. You asked for this.

Finally, be careful when you hear someone say narcissist, gaslighting, trauma bonding, and OCD. Most often this is ultracrepidarianism.