Stop asking ‘How was work today?’ Mentally strong couples ask 7 questions instead
“We just don’t talk anymore.” This is one of the most common complaints I hear from couples struggling with communication in my psychotherapy office. They often say they feel more like roommates than romantic partners.
“How was work today?” There’s nothing wrong with asking. But repeating this every day rarely gets you beyond superficial conversations. Whether your partner gives you a one-word response or responds with a long list of complaints, these conversations can leave you feeling distant rather than close.
As a therapist and writer “13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do“I have taught countless couples how to create a bank of alternatives to foster better communication and help them grow as individuals and as a couple.
Here are seven questions that will strengthen you mentally and help you stay connected.
1. ‘What was the best part of the day?’
We are wired to remember what went wrong more easily than what went right. So if you and your partner have gotten into the habit of complaining about the worst moments of the day, ask for the moments that stand out instead. It can help create optimism And gratitude – these are good for mental health – and will lead to both of you having a pleasant conversation.
Start things off by volunteering your emphasis: “The best part of my day was finally finishing that report. How about you?”
2. ‘What didn’t go as planned?’
Instead of asking about the worst part of your partner’s day—which can lead to rumours—normalize the fact that plans sometimes get derailed. Asking this question also shows that you are committed to hearing about your partner’s difficulties.
They might say, “My big presentation has been postponed until next week, so all preparations are on hold.” You will learn how they encountered an unexpected situation and you may get a glimpse into their emotional state.
Often the best thing you can do is listen without giving advice.
3. ‘Who made your day easier?’
This question can create a much-needed shift from complaining about unreasonable bosses or annoying co-workers to getting to know the people you appreciate.
Some days you might even get a chance to name each other: “When you picked up the kids, it took a lot of pressure off me to leave work early,” or “You brightened my day by sending that text at lunch.”
Over time, it can motivate you to make each other’s days better.
4. ‘What do you feel hopeful about?’
Hope is good for us. Research It connects hope to a stronger sense that life has meaning, which can get you through difficult times.
It works on any scale, large or small. The answer might be: “I hope to have more time to relax when the sales conference is over tomorrow.”
5. ‘What does having a good night mean to you?’
After a long day, it’s easy to let your work drift into the evening until you’re both on opposite ends of the couch. This question keeps you connected even when you don’t have the energy for a long, in-depth conversation.
Ask this generously, without an agenda. Your partner might want to go for a walk or suggest takeout and an episode of a good TV show. Asking means you don’t have to guess.
6. ‘What can I take from your plate tonight?’
Power couples operate as a team, and one of the best ways to be a good teammate is to ask what you can contribute.
Instead of saying something vague like “Let me know if you need anything,” be specific and take initiative, such as “Would you like me to be in charge of dinner this evening?” “Yes, please. I don’t want to make any more decisions today – not even about what to eat.”
Don’t act like you’re doing your partner a favor. The goal is to show that you are invested in sharing the load. Some nights you’ll do more, other nights your partner will. This give-and-take without keeping score keeps the relationship strong.
7. ‘What is something you did today to get mentally stronger?’
Maybe your partner spoke up in a meeting, set a boundary, or got over something he or she was afraid of. Identifying their inner strength reminds them of their resilience.
Make discussing examples of mental strength a common ritual. Celebrate what you both did today and ask curious questions again tomorrow; because “How was work today?” If you go beyond the question. Your nightly conversations will never get stale.
Amy Morin a psychotherapist, clinical social worker, and “Mentally Stronger” podcast. He is the author of many bestselling books: “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do” And “Mental Strength Playbook“TEDx talk”The Secret to Being Mentally Strong” one of the most watched speeches of all time. Follow it instagram And LinkedIn.
Looking to get ahead at work? Then you need to learn how to make effective small talk. In CNBC’s new online course, How to Talk to People at Workexpert trainers share practical strategies to help you use everyday conversations to gain visibility, build meaningful relationships, and accelerate your career growth. Sign up today!
