Finding out I’ve got ADHD has saved my life

Actor Joe Tracini has always been uncomfortable in his own skin.

Growing up in Great Yarmouth, the son of comedian Joe Pasquale, he was shy and prone to depressive thoughts.

“I told my first joke on stage at one of my father’s concerts when I was 18 months old,” he recalls. “But growing up, a lot of my confidence was at the forefront.”

The only way he could interact with his peers was through his skill with magic tricks. He was brutally bullied at school.

“I was like a little old man. I talked like an adult. I wore a three-piece suit and couldn’t talk to the other kids,” says the 37-year-old actor.

At the age of 11, he changed his surname from Pasquale to Tracini after narrowly missing out on being cast as Harry Potter to Daniel Radcliffe.

“I did six auditions for this. It was a huge rejection, but I don’t think I could survive doing these movies. The casting director sent me a letter, which I still have.

“I changed my name because I wanted to make something of myself, I didn’t want to have anything to live for. I love my father very much and we have a good relationship, but I wanted people to love me for me,” she says.

Tracini attended musical theater school and took on a variety of acting and TV presenting roles, including a series regular on Hollyoaks.

However, he turned to drink, drugs and self-harm to silence the negative voice in his head, which he called “Mick”.

Tracini was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) a decade ago, and it was a huge relief.

The diagnosis prompted him to kick his addictions. After several trips to rehab, he has been sober for 10 years.

“I felt less guilty knowing that drink and drugs were a symptom of my BPD. I thought Mick would go away, but the drugs numbed me and changed my personality, so I got out of it,” she says.

She gained tens of thousands of social media followers by posting comedy dance routines in her leotard during the pandemic.

Additionally, a video about his BPD went viral, describing symptoms such as mood swings, impulsivity, paranoia, fear of abandonment, and chronic feelings of emptiness.

However, around the same time, he stopped going to auditions and working because his mental health was so bad.

“I lost so many months where I was paralyzed with fear. I started writing a one-man show about my entire life called 10 Things I Hate About Me.

“But at the time, I was so depressed and having so many panic attacks that I thought I would never make it,” he says.

The turning point came last summer, when he decided to investigate the possibility that he might have ADHD.

Tracini looked through his list of followers on social media and found an ADHD psychiatrist who could diagnose him and prescribe medication.

“Medications don’t help with BPD but I feel like I’m starting over again. It’s cleared my brain and I can work again. I can work again and I can write again.

“This time last year I thought ‘this could happen. I could be this way for the rest of my life.’

“I had no idea how the diagnosis would change my life – people don’t take ADHD seriously enough – learning this saved my life.”

In the summer Tracini performed his one-man show at the Edinburgh Fringe to rave reviews. Now he’s taking it with him first roundIt’s just up the road from Norwich Theater Playhouse to where he grew up.

Tracini was so obsessed with the show that he felt he owed it to himself to make it happen.

“Even though it had gone badly, I was doing myself a favor to put it aside and gain some closure,” he says.

“It covers so many years of my life, so much of what I held on to has destroyed me. It’s my past, but it doesn’t have to be a part of me anymore.”

She believes Mick will always be there, but she has learned to live with the voice in her head.

“It was like getting used to a roommate. I hope he goes away one day, but we’re doing fine.

“I was always living in the past and worrying about the things I was doing, but now I’m looking to the future. I’m looking at the weeks and months, which is something Mick can’t argue with.”

If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this story, you can find information and support at: BBC’s Action Line.