AMANDA PLATELL: Why it’s Meghan – not Harry – we should really pity as she and the Prince are humiliated in Hollywood. There may only be one option left… but it won’t go down well

Now that they’ve been humiliated by the Hollywood bible of showbiz, Variety, which has effectively declared that the Sussexes have gone from heroes to non-heroes after leaving the Royal Family, isn’t there a moment when you actually feel a little sorry for them?

Not so for Harry, who spends most of his time feeding his organic chickens, looking after children Archie and Lilibet, and surfing at local Los Angeles beaches.

More for Meghan as she tries to salvage the couple’s declining reputation and, more importantly, their finances.

And boy, does he need it. Variety reports that Netflix, which gave the Sussexes a five-year, £45 million deal, is now done with the “one-trick” duo. The report states that ‘perceived patterns of selling repackaged versions of the same story about their exit from royal life have exhausted Netflix’.

Meanwhile, a £15m Spotify deal was also canceled after bosses said they were a pair of ‘scammers’. However, although I am one of her harshest critics, I think Megs is more of a con artist than a con artist in many respects.

He’s the one trying to save the Sussexes’ reputation and fortune with his TV show, lifestyle brands and jam empire. Harry occasionally takes on a waif role, contributing little other than his royal name to the millions needed to maintain their jaw-droppingly expensive lifestyle.

My fear is that if the couple can’t make ends meet in Los Angeles, they may return to the UK to make money from their brand.

Yes, I feel a little sorry for the ambitious Meghan who can almost be bought. But I was not sorry enough for having brought him back to the country and the monarchy he had so contemptuously avoided.

Be nice to Bruce

On Bruce Willis’ 71st birthday, his wife, Emma Heming, posted a photo of him setting up the Emma & Bruce Willis Fund to raise awareness about frontotemporal dementia, which he was diagnosed with four years ago.

He asked us to support this, even with ‘small acts of kindness’. That’s great, but was it too kind to move her from the $10 million Los Angeles mansion she bought before she met him to a bungalow where she’ll be cared for 24/7, away from her family? Are they being cared for without them and with paid assistance? I call it Die Hard.

Prue Leith says the real reason she retired from The Great British Bake-Off at the age of 86 was because she became “unsure about her injections”. Also, fellow judge Paul Hollywood, 60, was telling her things like ‘come on dear, upsy daisy’, ‘nap time’ and so on so often that the joke hit her hard. Shame on you Paul! Prue has more charm and smarts on her little finger than you will ever have.

The new Baywatch isn’t a patch on the original with Pamela Anderson

The Amazing Gulf Watcher

It’s a sinking moment for billions of people who were fans of the original 1989 Baywatch TV series, which featured a pneumatically enhanced Pamela Anderson, when we see the cast of the new version.

Yes, there are high-cut red swimsuits, but perhaps appealing to the timid Gen Z audience, the latest Pammies are modestly equipped while the boys have big pecs.

Crikey! What kind of world is this when boys have bigger breasts than girls?

All tattoos are too much for Camilla

It’s no surprise that after self-styled ‘Eyebrow Queen’ Suzanne Martin posted a picture of herself tattooing Queen Camilla’s eyebrows, Her Majesty was furious at the indiscretion and Suzanne’s post was removed along with her services.

I hope Camilla’s eyebrows don’t turn out like most of my girlfriends who are no longer in their 50s and have had their eyebrows done; Over the months they went from a lovely soft brown to a gorgeous shade of purple.

TV ordeal for Huw’s family

Channel 5 bosses insist it is not too early to broadcast series about the BBC’s Huw Edwards’ horrific breakdown, starring Martin Clunes, after he is convicted of sex crimes in 2024. Maybe not, but it’s certainly too soon for his estranged wife, Vicky Flind, and their five adult children.

It’s encouraging to hear that the snobby Chelsea Flower Show has lifted its ban on garden gnomes, once thought to be arrogantly tacky. Even King Charles has one. My family of six, who once took pride of place in my front yard — all named Bruce — has dwindled to three, thanks to what I hope to be a loving adoption rather than theft.

Leonardo DiCaprio is said to have taken Timothee Chalamet under his wing to give him career advice after his Oscars failure

Academy Awards wars

Following Mini-lookalike Timothee Chalamet’s Oscar flop, Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly took the star, who is dating Kylie Jenner, under his wing and gave him career advice. One of his rules? ‘Don’t let your love life become a story!’ This from Leo, who already has 12 high-profile girlfriends much younger than him and counting!

Kieran Culkin mocked Sean Penn, who won the best supporting actor award for One Battle After Another, for not coming to the awards ceremony. No, he was visiting President Zelensky in Ukraine. No prize for winning the golden raspberry of the night, right Kieran?

What a scary thought. If Angela Rayner is successful in her maneuvers to replace Keir Starmer, we will be faced with two mediocre, rhetorical, angry, finger-pointing warrior women Ange and Kemi across the Message Box. If we wanted to see two testosterone-fueled women fight, we’d watch Gladiators.

Actress Zendaya is teasing her fans by neither confirming nor denying rumors that she is marrying Spider-Man’s fiancé Tom Holland. One moment she’s wearing a wedding band along with her five-carat diamond engagement ring, the next she’s photographed without it. Later, at the premiere of the movie The Drama, Vivienne Westwood appears on stage in her wedding dress and here you were before me, playing the bride-to-be. Sarcastic or what?

The court ruled that Klevis Disha, a convicted criminal and non-asylum seeker, could stay in the UK because his son could not live in Albania. From where? The kid doesn’t eat Albanian chicken nuggets, he only eats English chicken. A judgment stuck in the throat.

Hartlepool council is so full of memorial benches they have stopped them which is a shame. My favorite is in a park near me with the following message engraved on it: ‘One for sadness, one for joy, one for the girl, one for the boy…’ All for a young man who died six months ago. And every year, on the day of death in mid-spring, carefully selected forget-me-nots, tied with a blue ribbon, are placed on the bench.