Would you marry someone with dementia and just four years to live? Gary did just that – after Anita was diagnosed at 51. This is their heartening story…

For Anita and Gary Goundry-Smith, there was one vow that was particularly poignant on their wedding day: to love each other ‘in sickness and in health’.

After all, this was a commitment they already experienced every day. And they knew that, over time, this would become one of the defining characteristics of their union.

Because a year before she met Gary, when she was only 51, Anita was given the devastating diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease and vascular dementia.

At the time, its shockingly poor prognosis included sharp cognitive and physical decline and death within four years. ‘I was stunned,’ says Anita, now 57. ‘My life as I know it is over.’

Her devastation was compounded when the difficult prognosis caused her 22-year relationship to end within a few months of her diagnosis.

‘It never crossed my mind that I would fall in love, get married, and not only defy these dire predictions but build a happy new life with the support of a man who adored me,’ she recalls now of meeting Gary. ‘When was the last time you heard of someone with Alzheimer’s finding their soul mate? And yet, against all odds, I did just that.’

While it’s perhaps understandable that someone in Anita’s position would jump at the opportunity for a loving relationship, what’s more surprising is Gary’s decision to commit himself to a woman who is unlikely to grow old with him. It is inevitable that maintenance needs, in particular, will increase over time.

Gary, 54, insists he never had a moment’s doubt about being Anita’s husband. ‘I entered our relationship and marriage with my eyes open,’ she says. ‘Anita told me about her condition on our first date and I know she expected me to run a mile. But I already felt a connection with Anita and wanted to see where things went between us. ‘I soon fell in love with her and realized that she was the woman I wanted to spend my life with, regardless of the difficulties that awaited me.’

Gary insists he never doubted for a moment that he would be Anita’s husband despite his health problems

As for the reactions of his friends and family – Gary has adult children from a previous relationship – he says: ‘If they thought I was crazy, they knew better than to say anything. ‘Nothing could stop me from being with Anita.’

Although Alzheimer’s is most commonly diagnosed in people over the age of 65, approximately one in ten people between the ages of 50 and 65 develop the disease. The Daily Mail’s Defeat Dementia campaign, run in conjunction with the Alzheimer’s Society, aims to raise awareness of the disease, increase early detection, increase research and improve care.

Anita was only 44 when her symptoms began, including memory loss and problems with mobility. ‘I’ve always had a sharp memory, but I found I couldn’t remember people’s names, my computer password or where I’d traveled,’ he explains.

‘My balance was also affected and I started stumbling and tripping, even breaking my ankle. I was a mother of two and in a long-term relationship with my then partner David, juggling my job as a pub landlady with a degree in social work. ‘I was generally very organised, but I would forget to pick up my daughter from school or miss university lectures.’

Several visits to her GP found Anita dismissed as ‘stressed’ or ‘menopausal’ and no investigation into her symptoms was undertaken. ‘I was described in my medical notes as a ‘hysterical hypochondriac’ and this was truly distressing and humiliating.

‘I felt like a troublemaker but deep down I knew something wasn’t right. ‘As time went on I became more scared and frustrated and developed anxiety and depression.’

In 2019, Anita suffered a TIA (transient ischemic attack), commonly known as a ‘warning stroke’.

‘I was rushed to hospital, but was discharged a few hours later with only blood thinners and without further examination.’

A year later, in 2020, a complete stroke would eventually lead to a diagnosis. Brain scans have revealed not only stroke but also progressive and incurable diseases such as Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia.

‘My life as I knew it collapsed,’ he says. ‘It didn’t make sense. I was only 51 years old; these were conditions that affected older people. Like her own mother, I cared for my late mother while she was suffering from dementia after she was diagnosed in her early 60s. ‘I now suspect my condition is hereditary.’

Anita was told that even if she was given medication to slow the illnesses, she should prepare herself for needing full-time care and that the best she could hope for was another four years.

Anita said, ‘In short, there was no hope for me; “The only thing ahead of me was the loss of all my faculties and then death,” he says. ‘It was the worst moment of my life.

‘I was also angry that it took so long to get a diagnosis, despite so many red flags. Earlier diagnosis and treatment could have meant my condition was not so advanced.’

The diagnosis had a devastating impact on Anita’s personal life. While her son, then in his early 20s, coped better with the situation, his relationship soured, and his daughter, then 18, struggled to come to terms with her mother’s changing condition and prognosis.

‘This turned her life upside down as well as mine,’ says Anita. ‘She was young enough to be at risk of losing her mother. ‘It left an emotional distance between us for a while.’

Anita felt so hopeless that she even planned to take her own life: ‘What was the point of prolonging my life when I would lose everything, my personality, my independence, my dignity? ‘I also wanted to save my loved ones from watching me deteriorate.’

Luckily, Anita didn’t follow her plan and made what she calls a life-saving appeal to the Alzheimer’s Association. ‘I needed help and a belief that I could find a way out of this nightmare, and they gave me that.’

With the help of charities and social services, Anita moved into an adapted bungalow in Spennymoor, Co Durham, in December 2020. His daughter and ex-wife were staying at the family home a few kilometers away.

Anita says it took time to adjust: ‘Losing my driver’s license, navigating the benefits system after working my whole life, being single after a long-term relationship. . . everything was very different. Alongside my ongoing struggles with my mobility and memory, it was a lot to take in.’

Everyone experiences dementia differently. Use this checklist to help you note your symptoms before talking to your doctor.

But an evening out in September 2021 brought a welcome change. “Gary and I still joke about how we first met,” laughs Anita. ‘My friends had taken me to a local bar and it was great to be out. I got off my high stool because I needed to go to the toilet, but I stumbled and fell into the lap of a man sitting at the table next to us.

‘I was very upset, but he couldn’t stop laughing and introduced himself; I recognized him from this area. ‘I thought he was in a relationship but he said he recently became single after 28 years.’

The couple spent the night chatting before kissing and arranging to meet again. On their first date a week later, Anita explained her situation.

‘I thought this would be our first and last date. ‘What man would want to be in a relationship with someone like me?’ says Anita.

Still unimpressed, Gary asked to see Anita again.

‘Of course it was shocking and upsetting to hear what he had been through and what he was facing,’ he says. ‘But I listened, appreciated his honesty and said I still wanted to see him again.

‘I wasn’t naive but at that very early stage I didn’t even know if the relationship between us was going to work. “I still wanted to learn.”

For Anita, being in a new relationship came with mixed emotions. She was afraid to let her guard down in case Gary decided he couldn’t handle it and left. ‘Yet he refused to give up on me and over time I accepted that he loved me and wasn’t going anywhere.’

However, becoming a couple raised some doubts and questions.

Anita says: ‘Initially it was difficult for my daughter because she had to get used to a new man. But both he and my son soon saw how much Gary cared for me and how happy I was with him.’

Friends also expressed concern about the possible repercussions of the relationship. But Anita says: ‘When they met him they also saw how much I had benefited from the relationship, and my cognitive ability had improved because I wasn’t home alone.’

After a year together, Gary moved in with Anita and became her caretaker, in addition to his job as a warehouse operator. They got married in September 2023.

Anita says: ‘The registrar said I was the happiest bride he had ever married. There was also poignancy: promising each other our future, neither Gary nor I knew what that looked like.’

For Gary, it was a day filled with the certainty that Anita, despite her condition, was the best thing that ever happened to him. ‘When I heard Anita say ‘Yes’, I felt like the luckiest man in the world,’ he says.

More than two years later, Anita’s health continues to slowly decline, but the couple lives a happy and fulfilling life together.

‘Gary looks after the house, the cooking and our finances,’ she says. ‘I can’t handle money anymore and my memory is poor so I run the risk of leaving the pot on the stove. I’m slow and my balance is poor.

‘I have a good relationship with my ex now and Gary takes me to hospital appointments and the shops if he’s working. ‘I’m so lucky to have both.’

Despite these difficulties, Gary and Anita love to travel and are passionate fans of the local football team. Anita also volunteers at the local community centre, and plans to turn it into a ‘dementia centre’ for residents.

But the specter of Anita’s incurable condition is always present. Considering what the final stages of Alzheimer’s and dementia involve, Anita made the heartbreaking decision: ‘If assisted dying is not made legal in the UK, I will go to Dignitas in Switzerland and die there while I still have the mental capacity.’

Gary fully supports Anita’s wish: ‘All I’ve ever wanted is for Anita to be happy. If that’s what she thinks is right for herself, that’s all I need to know, but of course it’s very, very painful to think of a life without her.’

The couple insist they are cherishing the time they have together rather than focusing on the future. ‘I have already gone against the prediction I was given in 2020; I should be dead by now,’ says Anita. ‘And I believe I would have been if I hadn’t met Gary. Our relationship brought me so much joy that I’m sure it has extended my life. Why should I waste this precious, extra time I’ve been given worrying about things I can’t control?

‘When the future comes, I know Gary will help me face it.’