Three things you can do if your child’s friends annoy you

You won’t like all of your children’s friends, and sooner or later your child will bring home a friend you don’t really warm up to.

Maybe they are rude, overconfident, or have a habit of snacking on themselves without asking. Or maybe it’s deeper than that and you feel like they bring out the worst in your child.

It’s easy to tell your child he can’t hang out with his friends, but that often doesn’t solve the problem.

Parenting coach Sue Atkins and comedian Ria Lina, a mother of four, share three ways to navigate this process without alienating your own child.

Is it something serious like disrespect, bullying, or risky behavior, or is it just the child scolding you in the wrong way?

Atkins says it’s important to separate what’s annoying from what’s harmful, and it’s helpful to exercise some self-control before reacting.

If it’s a real risk, like dangerous behavior or bullying, then it’s time to step up harder, but if the issue is something like etiquette, you can model the behavior you want to see.

This is something Lina, whose comedy is often about the trials and tribulations of raising four children, does often.

“When a child is in my care, he meets my standards,” he explains.

“I scold my children to put their feet up on the bus seats, and if other children in my care are doing this, I will tell them to put their feet up too.”

Lina says the reason you don’t like your kids’ friends is often because of a “value conflict” with other parents.

“There are moments when I think this child is making my child worse, but most of the time it’s not actually that child’s fault.

“For example, I absolutely do not allow guns to be played in the house, I do not allow finger guns or toy guns, but many boys do this and it caused tension when I told my boys they could not participate.”

Sometimes talking to the child’s parents can help find a middle ground that both parents are happy with, he says.

The worst thing you can do is forbid your child from seeing a friend, because “you’re not helping them form better friendships and you’re not explaining to them why they can’t spend time with that child,” Atkins says.

Being too harsh “could backfire, and your child will probably hang out with that friend more to spite you.”

You should ask your child why he loves this friend; What do they have in common? What do they like to do together?

Listening to them share this doesn’t mean you approve of their friendship, but it does help build trust between you.

“Choose your moment carefully when speaking,” says Atkins. “Pay attention to your tone of voice and body language, because if you act aggressive or judgmental, they will shut you down.

“You want to build bridges, not walls.”

It’s important to tell your child that “you don’t approve of a particular behavior and don’t want to see them copy it,” Lina says.

“This way you’re not stopping friendship or banning interaction, but you’re drawing a line as to what should not be repeated or approved.”

If your child seems stuck in a friendship you’re uncomfortable with, subtly expand his or her social world.

“Include other friends in the mix,” says Atkins. “Invite your cousins ​​over, get them to join a sports club, or try after-school activities—anything that will help them meet new people.”

It’s also important to remember that not every friendship lasts forever and children often go through phases; Therefore, it is best to see how the friendship changes over a few weeks or months before intervening.

“Sometimes it’s just a friend for summer vacation or a teenage boy trying to hold a grudge against you,” Atkins says.

The best thing you can do is model the kind of friendships you hope your child will have.

Talking to them about your own relationships can show your child what respect, kindness, and healthy boundaries look like, so they’ll be more likely to emulate that.