A fan sent me a mysterious bottle of oil that claims to cure just about everything

“As a token of my respect for your candor and writing skills, I have included a sample of my wonderful oil…” This is also one of the most touching and funniest sentences I have ever read. An excerpt from a letter I received recently. Yes. A fan sent me a bottle of homemade Wonder Oil. You know you’ve made it as a writer when Wonder Oil arrives. I bet Phillip Adams could never get his hands on Wonder Oil – although he could get by with a bucketful of the stuff.

I’m usually wary of unsolicited concoctions that arrive in the mail, knowing what a magnificent scalp I’d make on the belt of any vengeful soul bent on culling the saints. Sarah is less cautious. (He considers me less important—in fact, he’s laughable as an assassination target.) Within minutes of his arrival, his feet were glistening with Wonder Oil. And since she didn’t want to follow him around the house because I didn’t know if he was going to stain the carpets or stone the dog, I had to pick it up and carry it for him all evening.

I asked myself what JK Rowling would do if she bought Wonder Oil from a stranger. Does it get oily immediately? Or when he suspects a trans activist has anthrax, will he give it to Dan or Emma as a gift? It’s hard to know what it means when pharmacists who remain in the background are suddenly making a racket.

I once heard that Barry Humphries received a potion in the mail that the sender claimed was a lively homemade aphrodisiac and asked Humphries to forward it to Sandy Stone to save his bloat. For years it sat seductively on the comedian’s mantelpiece in London; It was a terrible liquid that curled stickily in the chandelier light.

Here’s a partial list of the ailments this Wonder Oil claims to cure: “Roughness, calluses, sunburn, burns, windburn, rash, fungus, tinea, foot pong, ulcers, warts, sunspots, precancerous keratosis, moles, infections, styes, bumps, cuts, bruises, sores, scars, old injuries, blisters, splinters, acne, eczema, shaving rash, dermatitis, vaginitis, thrush, cold sores, dryness, wrinkles, aches, pains, sprains, pulls, tears, strain, RSI, tennis elbow, erection, tight, cramps, injured, under-muscled, overused, pre- and post-exercise, mild detoxification, surgical sites, old injuries, arthritis, injured, overuse, spurs, RSI, cracking… knees and elbows, back and neck enhancer, hands love it.

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“It will also correct the following problems: hemorrhoids, earwax, sand in the eye, anything that needs a good cleaning or toning, prevention of prenatal tearing, baby diaper rash, external infections, bodywork and massage, gradual cleansing of internal organs with daily external application for about three weeks. Many people do not believe that Wonder Oil can rid them of hemorrhoids, but it does the job well. It’s like a hundred products in one!”

I don’t know why the producer assumed I was falling apart from a previous excess of disorganization and decided to send help through the mail to heal me. Have I complained about sand in the eyes here? Spurs? Diaper rash? Pregnancy?

Anyway, I thank him for that. It would be rude not to. This isn’t the Qataris giving Trump a jet in the expectation that it would deter the IDF from vaporizing terrorists in their Doha bachelor pads. No. In this, I recognize the natural human impulse to give a gift to an artist who does something you admire. Negative unrequited this much sterling NO quoSo… just a quid, a tribute. A way to say thank you or return a favor – roses on the soprano’s dressing room door. Wonder Oil may not do everything it claims to do, but if its maker believes it does, then what a wonderful gift it has given.