BORIS JOHNSON: I thought it was absurd that men evolved to have beards – until my wife Carrie’s very surprising comment about the face fungus I grew on holiday

The other day, when I managed to slic the top of my finger, salami -style, old rusty bic razors, I was holding a bearly into my holiday washing bag to find toothpaste.

I was angry. I cursed. I asked the first time – why me? Why are we? Why shave?

Why supreme, condemned all the gender of the male gender, this meaningless and ugly stool plastic and steel pieces that need to be harvested daily with this meaningless and ugly stool?

And what possible evolutionary function, in any case, human beard performing?

When it comes to survival of the most appropriate, I could see the need for a good pair of eyes or ears, a good tooth set. But what was the use of the mustache?

Will a hairy face keep you warm? Meaningless. Does this mushroom have to be camouflage – to allow primitive male humanoid to hide some of myopia in the hopes of ambushing some early tensioners?

Is the beard attempting to hide us from our enemies, people or animals? Again, I cannot believe that nature is what it aims at. This was a useless disguise, and in the great struggle of life, there was always plenty of beard to me a positive obstacle, a dangerous health danger.

The beard is a very vulnerable point of human anatomy, another place for your enemy to grasp you while trying to cut your head. Another house for deadly bacteria that starts by feasting on the inevitable and unregistered deposits of marmalade and egg yolk.

In a world that based on the speed and power of your oral communication, a beard murmurs in an inconsistent way. It makes you drunk or maybe having a paralysis. So why some people wear them and what other people see them?

This was my opinion until it was on vacation in Greece. And then, after cutting my finger on the razor knife, I decided to try an experiment.

I can’t say that I am a beard. This is very active, a very transitive expression for those who are. It’s like saying that I’m trying to raise roses or award -winning Marruws. Actually, I didn’t make any effort.

The beard has just grew up and let it grow. One day later, it was a kind of moment growth that you could develop before a big rugby match, so you can sand your face with your chin when you try to get your opposing propeller eyes in the scrum.

A week later, he began to look quite scattered. What, I thought: We’re on vacation. Nobody will notice.

Two weeks later, the ugly facts looked at me through the mirror: lush, spring white hair all over my chin and harnesses. On my lip – ginger! A thick carpet with white and even black (eh? Where does this come from?).

Some small, crushed rodents seemed to kill the tragic pellers. It was terrible. He had to go. So far the hair was so abundant that I thought BIC could not do the job.

I told my wife that I was looking for a local Berber – and I got the shocking news that helped to explain the mystery of the beard, then the mystery we started.

“ Oh, I would not do it, ” he said. ‘I prefer to love.’

‘Really?’ I said, with a mixture of astonishment and makeup and looked back in the mirror.

At that time, of course he hit me and finally understood the evolutionary function of male face hair. This is useless, meaningless, a blind practice is not good, but it points to your gender loudly and clearly from the opposite sex.

It is a fact that women cannot grow beard. Wait, when I wrote this sentence, I noticed how aggressive he was. Over the years, let me clarify, saying that I am sure that there are few women exhibiting their beard in circuses.

At that time, there are some men clearly some men who describe it as women who can enlarge fertile beards. Even if there were beards like Karl Marx, the poor former Keir Starmer would probably insist on calling a woman.

But if I can briefly crush all these sensitivities and complexities, it is still true – in general, only men can grow beard and this is the whole issue. That’s why there are beards.

They are like the hose of the male elephant seal or the large blue base of the male Mandrill. Objectively ridiculous. Of course, they seem ridiculous unless a female elephant seal or a woman is mandrill. The effect for these women is completely different.

If the hose or the bottom is more pronounced, the stimulation of the opposite sex is so deep. So millions of years of evolution left us too many ridiculous hair on our faces, or at least I can’t think of a better explanation.

Darwin himself made a thin beard sport

And so, happy Greek days passed, and with my beard confusion, it grew more excessively. Did this make me really more attractive for my wife, as he said at the beginning? In that case, frankly, I was in that.

Or did it look ridiculous now? On the last day of the holiday, I can’t get any more. Carrie’s compliments began to dry. I started feeling that I didn’t look like George Clooney.

Sadiq Khan’s victim of London, like some homeless hestity, I was getting more and more like, a box of sleeping bags with an extra strong apple wine.

So far, I didn’t have time to go to the village and find a barber – you know, the person who shave all the men who don’t shave themselves and forces us to ask if he’s shaving himself, because if he does, he doesn’t, and if he doesn’t.

No, I was encountering a larger paradox than Bertrand Russell.

My beard was both an evolutionary advantage, because (as claimed) made me more attractive for my wife. And he still made me show me so dirty and professionally that it would give me serious economic damage – and that’s why it makes me much less attractive for Carrie!

Aargh! What should we do?

The plane was separated within a few hours. I had meetings. At least I had to look at his sane. When I reached Washbag, I took the BIC out, foam on a little soap, and for my astonishment, the old razor – beard, mustache, side boards and all – all – all – for about three minutes.

I can’t tell you how good I feel. But at least I know now that nature decides why men should be beards. Darwinian. I mean, look at Old Darwin.

*Dictionary corner: Russell paradox – a barber says he shave everyone who does not shave themselves. Who shave the barber? Contradicts any answer.