My marriage ended ten years ago. This is the humiliating truth men need to know about divorce, what it did to my bank account… and the difficulties that are never discussed: SIMON MILLS

It’s been more than ten years since my divorce. Before long, I will be unmarried and will carry the status of divorcee for as long as I was once married. Soon my children will know me as the man they visit occasionally for longer than their father lives with them.

It’s an unwanted anniversary—no man grows up wanting his marriage to fail and to become estranged from his children—but it’s also a slow flame of realization and reflection. Despite what your happily married friends might think, divorce doesn’t happen during a hot few months of fighting, lawyers, house moves, and decrees. It’s a challenging set of emotions and lifestyle changes; A pathetic self-examination that continues to evolve with each passing year.

Alongside sadness, anger, resentment, and regret, there are also valuable lessons in survival, self-reliance, resilience, and personal growth. Over time, a man learns the necessity, kindness and dignity of mutual forgiveness, how to set boundaries, re-evaluate, develop independence and self-care.

That’s what endless articles, podcasts, and relationship experts tell you, as well as books on the subject.

My experience? As twice-divorced Rod Stewart once said, ‘I wish I knew what I know now…’ Perhaps it would be helpful to know the impact and extent of marital separation and understand the impact it has on one’s children, bank account and mental health. It would also be good to be equipped with the judgment and maturity to act rationally, thoughtfully and selflessly during this long and arduous process.

Mainly, I discovered that men like me really suck at this divorce thing.

One hates to generalize, but I really think spouses – organised, forward-thinking, pragmatic, irreducible, financially savvy and boundary-setting – are better equipped to deal with this.

From the first small signs of marital troubles, they will develop a loyal and caring circle of siblings who look out for them, listen to their problems, answer their calls, and get them out of the house. They will negotiate marital terms to establish and maintain father-child relationships. In time they will shine, work and move on. Maybe enjoy a toy or two…

Men? It’s more of a scenario with toys coming out of a stroller. Even though several years have passed, my divorce can still make me feel uncomfortable, unimportant, and a failure.

I saw that this kind of thinking, this darkness and despair, was normal. Medical research in the United States has supported the idea that divorce affects men more than women; Divorced men are prone to deeper depression and are more likely to binge drink and use drugs. The suicide rate among unmarried men is 39 percent higher than among married men. I never felt suicidal, but I learned to enjoy my wine. And finally the luxury of a large king size bed of my own. Have you returned to the outside world? It’s not that good.

For example, how does a man cope with a chance encounter with his ex-wife after a decade-long divorce? For me, this has always been the opposite of Hollywood’s ‘meet cute’. (Maybe ‘meeting weirdos’?) I was always reticent, like a neurotic character in a Woody Allen movie or a nerdy teenager getting humiliated at the school prom. I entered by myself.

If possible, at a party I will sneak out of the venue while spying on her from across the room. If I know in advance that he or she is going to participate in something, I tend to avoid it altogether. I agree this is stupid and ridiculously immature behavior.

So why are we doing this? I tell myself it’s better this way, but the truth is, I don’t like this sickening discomfort. I want to save him (and myself) from the stilted conversation that seems to have wiped our once intimate 20-year relationship from our collective hard drives. I can’t deal with the frustrating awkwardness of not knowing anything about someone I once knew so well. Unfortunately, these feelings of pain and anger may not change much for the rest of your life.

The big question for long-term divorces is: Should we stay in touch with the ex? When the children no longer need scheduled care and companionship, you can (very rarely) communicate with your ex via phone and text message – mainly for the sake of politeness, not for the sake of the children.

You can also go months or even years without any contact. That’s why it’s hard when you see each other again. For real adults, friendship and kindness are key; Exes are good at this. I? I need to learn to relax and let go. Here’s what else this long-distance ex-husband learned…

Boyfriends won’t be of any use

Simon says his friends soon got bored of the bleak, over-the-top pity party of divorce

After a while — and I’m just talking a few weeks here — any friends you still have will be tired of the dreary and over-the-top pity party of your divorce. After a few years have passed, no one will mention it again (except when they’ll take great pleasure in casually letting you know which of your ex-friends your ex-wife is dating now).

Should you talk to people about this? You can try, but here’s the thing: Your divorce is boring. It’s really boring. To everyone around you. To your family, to your children, to your colleagues, to all the women you may have the chance to meet.

In the first few months he might stand for a glass or two, punch you in the arm, and occasionally say, ‘Are you okay, buddy?’ you can say. After a few months, they’ll assume your breakup is over and dusted and you can get back to having fun.

This isn’t a Joey and Chandler trap. Divorce tends to isolate men socially. Your phone doesn’t ring and you’re ridiculously hurt when you find out about a party you weren’t invited to (but it is).

There’s no point trying to save him

The biggest mistake we made during our big marriage blunder was half-heartedly trying to save her. Like many couples who agree to break up, we dragged out the final episode like writers trying to squeeze another series out of a dying soap opera.

Somehow we continued to live under the same roof, tensions escalate, anger wears off, but we put on a brave face towards the children. Of course they were not deceived.

I think they were happy to see us leave in the end. Now I look back on that period as a terrible waste of time. As soon as it became clear that we were over, I/we should have acted logically and cut ties much earlier. When you are 50, time flies fast and gets faster with each passing year. You have to go back there and look for love again.

Divorce is expensive

When things finally got to the point where it was logistically civilized and personally complicated, it was decided that it was time to move, even though I had unlimited access to the kids. And pay. Just as I was trying to get a real mortgage for a new place, Ex and I agreed to a six-figure deal that would require me to re-arrange a mortgage.

This seemed fair considering his care for the children and school fees. I went along with the agreement, not realizing it would take me 12 years to pay back the money and become financially stable again.

Dating after divorce?

It can be tempting to rush in after a breakup; It’s an unspoken race, Ex versus Ex, to see who can find the hottest new partner first. Once you’ve accepted that the marriage is over, it may seem exciting to dive headfirst into the pool, make your social media profile sparkle, and show the world that you still have “the one.”

For men, this may mean a performative interlude with someone young and unavailable. This probably won’t last long. Of course, time is ticking in the post-divorce period and you will feel the need to make up for the years you lost – but stay calm. Do it right this time.

Divorce makes you a better man

Learn from your mistakes. Be better than the last version of yourself, the version your ex-wife wanted out of the house. A divorce coach once advised me to “listen to my conscience” and “adopt a policy of open communication” that would “respect my own needs” on equal terms with the needs of any date I might have and any relationship I might have later.

Your children will break your heart

My ex and I tried to be even more civil when it came to parental ‘access’ and agreed to a 50/50 split that wasn’t legally binding. As a teenager, our daughters could decide for themselves; We would decide when, how and with whom they wanted to spend time. But after factoring in the logistics of their busy school and social lives, my job, and most importantly my party-poo dreariness, the split between parents was roughly, heartbreakingly… 95/5.

Scarlett Johansson, Adam Driver and Azhy Robertson star in Netflix’s sad drama Marriage Story as a lawyer says divorce with children involved is ‘like a disembodied death’

In my more reasonable moments I understood and accepted this. I reluctantly and tearfully admitted that it was much more fun, more stable, more comfortable and more familiar for the girls to be at home with their mother than to share a bed in my tiny apartment and me snoring on the inflatable bed next to them.

As the divorce process progressed, I became sad that I could not be my children’s confidant and consolation; because I wasn’t with them. I missed moments of crisis and joy. My help and advice, my love (and anger) were no longer in the room.

In desperate, hopeless increments, I became distant and peripheral, being an appointment-only father. I was still the girls’ ‘parent’; Not just their father. When your children start spending more time with their mother and her new partner, irrational feelings like injustice, jealousy, and abandonment will gnaw at you. You are trying to be an adult and a good father and hope that they will come back to you. (They will.)

Eventually you’ll learn not to miss it

In Netflix’s chilling movie Marriage Story, Adam Driver’s ordinary lawyer warns his hapless client that divorce with children involved is ‘one of the hardest things to do’ for a man. He adds cheerfully: ‘This is like disembodied death.’

This may sound overly theatrical, but it’s true (especially if your ex is Scarlett Johansson). Divorce is like a death with the added value of a very personal attack. You experience the emotional blaze of loss, set back by a devastating lightening of your character. You are alone, unloved, and beginning various stages of separation pain that will likely last for the rest of your life.

Yes, eventually you will learn not to miss him. You will move on and if you are lucky you may find love again. But you will always miss… him.