Emily Ratajkowski reveals compulsive dating era after marriage collapse

Emily Ratajkowski’s wild post-divorce dating period wasn’t quite what it seemed.

Ratajkowski is facing some backlash after reflecting on the months following the collapse of her marriage in a candid essay, admitting that she threw herself into dating as she struggled to come to terms with her new identity as a single mother. Ratajkowski filed for divorce in September 2022, after four years of marriage, amid widespread reports of husband Sebastian Bear-McClard’s infidelity.

Ratajkowski described the birth of the couple’s son, Sylvester, as “a violent transition” into “a new reality with the baby screaming on my aching chest and a ring on my swollen finger.”

“And then, in a period that felt both sudden and excruciatingly slow, my marriage collapsed,” she recalled in one essay. Cut. “Six months after my son was born, my husband and I stopped having sex. Less than a year later, we separated.”

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Ratajkowski admitted that dating after her marriage ended wasn’t necessarily about finding a new relationship. Instead, she said, she was looking for something much more urgent: reassurance that she was still desirable as a single mother.

“What I wanted was his attention: I wanted to feel a man’s desire and be reminded that I was a sexual being, not just the mother of a toddler,” Ratajkowski wrote.

Ratajkowski admitted that her search for reassurance quickly turned into what she called a period of compulsive flirting.

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Emily Ratajkowski said that during her compulsive flirting period, she tried to gain approval and attract men’s attention, and that she adopted the “bad guy” persona, in her own words, while embracing casual relationships. (Neilson Barnard/Getty Images for Vanity Fair)

“I wish I could say that I slowly started dating — there was some period of grief or reflection as a newly single person, a healthy pause before my frenzy — but the truth is, just a week after my breakup, I found myself in Brooklyn, a shocked and sleep-deprived version of myself, sitting across from a DJ, wearing what looked to me like the kind of outfit a girl would wear on dates, a crop top and black pants that all my friends approved of with a mirror selfie,” she said. “Of course a DJ. Always a DJ.”

Before splitting from her husband, Ratajkowski noted: “I’ve never had a one-night stand. I’ve never slept with someone the day I met them. In fact, I’ve only slept with eight people: four of them were my live-in boyfriends, and one of them was my best boyfriend from high school.”

Emily Ratajkowski filed for divorce in September 2022 after four years of marriage. (Getty Images for Dimitrios Kambouris/Marc Jacobs)

She went on to talk about the men she dated in New York, describing them as “uniquely disturbed characters from male hell.”

“There was the Vegan Graffiti Artist with impeccable posture, the Chef who thought he might have chlamydia, the Spanish Gen-Zer who couldn’t stop sending me nudes, the Billionaire’s Son who self-medicated excessively and had questionable politics, a couple of Italians, and of course another DJ.”

“The list goes on and on, but for legal reasons” he would not do so, he added.

As Emily Ratajkowski went through her divorce from Sebastian Bear-McClard, she said she slowly realized that leaving her marriage required courage and forced her to redefine her sense of self. (Allen Berezovsky/Getty Images)

Ratajkowski’s fear of becoming a single mother began early in her life.

“Even as a child, I thought that of all the things I could do when I grew up, it was very important to avoid being a single mother,” Ratajkowski said. “The term itself could be used as an insult. Having a child with the wrong man was the quickest way to ruin your life as a woman; it meant no freedom, no options, no immediate exit. All the burden and no security.”

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The model said that instead of dwelling on her insecurities, she created a completely new persona.

“After my divorce, the character I learned to embody during my obsessive dating period was a villain: Poison Ivy. Catwoman. Sexual but scary. And she was drinking gin martinis. Lots and lots of gin martinis,” Ratajkowski explained. “He wasn’t tragic. He wasn’t anything close to a victim. There was no need for anyone to feel sorry for him. In fact, they should all be jealous.”

“‘Divorced single mother?’ What about ‘a woman who doesn’t need anything from men’? “I have already had the experience of child and motherhood that many of my friends secretly envy while secretly flirting with,” she said. “I had no illusions about the romance of marriage or living together. I had learned the hard way that being alone was better than most partnerships. I had seen too much, discovered what many women do only when divorced in their mid-40s. I had experienced the failure of a unit, but I had just entered my 30s. This was my villain origin story.”

Emily Ratajkowski said she created a character who was a “bad guy” during the obsessive dating phase. She described the character as “Poison Ivy. Catwoman. Sexual but scary.” (Michael Simon/Getty Images for Primark)

But Ratajkowski’s candid thoughts sparked backlash on social media, with some critics taking issue with her comments about dating and single motherhood.

“So uncaring and insulting to single moms who are literally struggling to survive every day,” one user commented on The Cut’s Ratajkowski’s Instagram post.

“All of us single moms (young and old) are rolling our eyes…” another wrote.

“Is this a joke or something? A struggling supermodel single mother hahaha… I’m sure every man and woman was reaching out to help her every day,” another user wrote. “And when she wanted, she could easily afford the best care, the best food, and the best everything that kept me safe. Let’s hear the story from a single mom who was barely making ends meet. Publish a story with real depth and courage.”

Another wrote: “Rich people are trying to make something about their weird experiences out to be ‘real’ for the rest of us.” “Read the room, ma’am.”

Some objected to the photo of Ratajkowski breastfeeding the doll in the article.

“This cover is sick, and not sick in a good way,” one reviewer wrote.

Emily Ratajkowski faced some backlash for her post on social media. (Getty Images)

But others appreciated and praised his honesty.

“I love that she’s honest and real about this part of her life. Most people don’t accept that,” one user wrote.

“But for the haters – just STOP! She’s brave, as a single woman, as a single mother – we ALL have our own story! And go single moms everywhere, especially in New York,” another user wrote in part.

“Omg I love @emrata,” another wrote. “Oh, that’s what I’m here for,” another said.

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Ultimately, Emily Ratajkowski said leaving her marriage taught her that her greatest source of strength comes from accepting that she chose to leave. (Gilbert Flores/Various)

Ultimately, Ratajkowski said the biggest lesson she learned from her divorce had little to do with dating. She recalled that when she went to her lawyer’s office, he told her: “You should be proud of yourself. Most women don’t go.”

“I left his office that day with an unexpected gift: a new understanding of myself. Leaving my marriage wasn’t about seeking anyone’s attention or approval,” she said. “It was the exact opposite.”

“It’s a difficult choice that comes with a lot of pain and a huge cost,” Ratajkowski added. “Being a single mother changed the way people viewed me, just as I feared. But it also made me finally see myself. I wasn’t abandoned; I was separated. I knew then that being able to leave, being able to say ‘no,’ was the one true superpower I had gained through divorce. I was brave. I was really, really brave.”

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