The mistake people make when talking about money with their partner
Elderly couple drinking coffee in front of suburban home
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For many couples, money is a source of stress: They may be facing credit card debt or student loans, trying to buy a home, or juggling child care.
Talking about it can help. But people in romantic relationships often think that talking money with their partners will be a worse experience than it actually turns out to be, according to a new study published this month. Social Psychology and Personality Science.
“They predicted that these conversations would be less entertaining, informative and socially engaging than they actually were,” said study co-author Ximena Garcia-Rada, an assistant professor of marketing at Texas A&M University.
Research It included more than 1,600 married individuals. In three experiments, participants were surveyed before and after a finance-related conversation with their partner. Time and time again, they felt like they were closer to their lover and more compatible than they expected.
“This miscalibration appears to stem from an underestimation of the degree of agreement they would ultimately reach with their partners,” Garcia-Rada said.
Money ‘may be harder to learn than sex’
Garcia-Rada said there are probably a few reasons why people might expect a conversation about money with their partner to delegate.
They may not fully know their partners’ core values or focus on potential disagreements rather than areas of common ground, he said. They may also be placing too much emphasis on previous conflicts.
Certified financial planner says ‘money may seem harder to bring up than sex’ Douglas Boneparth is president and founder of Bone Fide Wealth, a wealth management firm in New York.
“Fear is not really about numbers,” said Boneparth, who co-authored the book “Money Together” with his wife. “Money represents something different for everyone: trust, control, love, freedom. Talking about money means revealing all of these.”
“People are afraid of being judged,” he added. “So instead of taking the chance, they avoid the conversation altogether.”
This miscalibration appears to stem from their underestimation of the degree of agreement they will eventually reach with their partner.
Ximena Garcia-Rada
assistant professor of marketing at Texas A&M University
But avoiding those discussions is dangerous, said Carolyn McClanahan, CFP and founder of Life Planning Partners in Jacksonville, Florida.
“Money is a big cause of unhappy marriages,” McClanahan said.
“So having money conversations and creating a healthy approach to finances together may reduce the need for future therapy or divorce,” she said.
Other academic research finds this communication It can lead to greater marital satisfaction and stability regarding money.
‘Conversation can lead to reconciliation’
“For example, one spouse wants to remodel the house, while the other thinks the house is okay the way it is,” Curtis said. “One partner wants to fly business class, the other thinks it’s a waste of money.”
But when there is mutual respect in the relationship, Curtis said, he has also seen how these difficult conversations lead to compromises.
“Perhaps the renovations are spread out over several years rather than all at once,” he said. “For example, if the flight is over eight hours, business class is fine.”
McClanahan said couples may be more likely to reach agreement if they are vulnerable together and express their deeper feelings and past experiences about financial matters.
“They should share their money history so they can understand how each other thinks,” he said.
More than anything, you want to approach the conversation with curiosity, Boneparth said.
“Your goal is not to win,” he said. “To understand.”
Boneparth, McClanahan and Curtis are members of CNBC’s Council of Financial Advisors.
