Top priority for raising emotionally intelligent kids
Most parents know the frustration of dealing with their child’s unexpected tantrums in public.
But according to parenting expert Reem Raouda, parents are often too quick to call out their children’s negative behavior—scolding them for unnecessary irritation, or even telling them to “cheer up” when they look upset—while ignoring the emotions underlying those actions.
Focusing solely on children’s behavior, especially bad behavior, rather than exploring and validating their feelings is a common parenting mistake that hinders your child’s ability to develop emotional intelligence, says Raouda, author and certified mindful parenting coach.
“Stop focusing on their behavior and start focusing on their behavior.” [well-being]” he says. “Children are not robots and their feelings are completely disregarded, ignored [or even] was punished.”
Experts often attribute emotional intelligence to success because it helps people manage the types of negative emotions that can lead to burnout, anxiety, or depression. research shows.
“Your emotional health is your success,” says Raouda, adding that parents who ignore their children’s emotional development are less likely to raise happy, successful adults. “If you’re anxious, if you’re depressed, who cares how much money you have? [and] Don’t you know who you are?”
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Raouda says parents need to push boundaries, especially if a child’s tantrum involves mistreating other people. She also says children should be reminded that their emotions, whether positive or negative, are normal and that it’s healthy to express them constructively.
“Focus on not making them feel bad about their anger.” [and] Don’t tell them to cheer up when they’re sad,” says Raouda. “Leaving them alone with their own emotions is No. 1.”
For example, you might ask your child what he or she feels that prompts him or her to act out, break a rule, or otherwise exceed a predetermined boundary. Helping your children name their emotions is the first step toward developing the ability to manage those emotions, Raouda says.
Some other experts agree: According to psychologist Caroline Fleck, children who feel heard and who are not ashamed of their feelings are often more open to avoiding negative behavior. “The important thing is to validate the emotion and then focus on what is not valid: the behavior.” [and that’s] What needs to change,” Fleck told CNBC Make It in January.
Raouda says parents who overemphasize obedience, which can require the suppression of major emotions, risk raising people-pleasers who cannot defend themselves and are likely to become anxious, unhappy adults.
Raouda, a mother herself, says she did emotion naming exercises with her son even when he was too young to express how he felt on his own. This, he says, involves asking whether he is angry or frustrated and, if so, rating the severity of his feelings on a scale of 1 to 10.
And when parents are feeling emotional, they can tell their children directly: I’m sorry or I’m sorry. The goal is to show your children that you don’t have to suppress these negative emotions, Raouda says.
“Naming it takes it away [negative] stigma,” she says. “It’s just like, ‘Yes, I was angry, I was embarrassed, I was sad, I was nervous.’ Emotions are normal and healthy and good.”
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