Stop saying ‘don’t cry’—to raise confident kids, use 5 phrases instead
It’s natural to want to comfort a child when he or she is crying. When parents see their children suffering physically or emotionally, they often want to do everything they can to stop the heartache.
As a dual-certified child life specialist and therapist, I have heard parents and even healthcare professionals tell children “don’t cry” when wiping away tears during medical procedures and other difficult moments.
It comes from a place of wanting to fix the pain and make things better. But it can make children feel like their emotions and tears are not okay, especially when they are in pain or distress.
Instead, try to validate children’s feelings and help them feel safe and supported in expressing their feelings and tears. Use these five alternatives:
1. ‘It’s okay to cry, I’m here with you.’
This helps children know and believe that their experiences are real and natural.
Staying with children when they are stressed conveys the message that their emotions do not scare you, that you can scare them. Work through tough moments with them and they can count on you for real-time support, even if they’re difficult or uncomfortable.
2. ‘I see your tears.’
You may not always know exactly why a child is crying or understand his or her reaction to the situation. Confirmation does not necessarily mean agreement; It means “I see you and I believe in you.”
One way to validate their experience is to simply reflect back what you see. Naming their feelings can be helpful for some kids, but for others it can be upsetting if your label doesn’t match what they’re actually feeling. Try giving their behavior a name or using a broader term like “sadness.”
3. ‘Your feelings are reasonable.’
If children hear “crying,” they may interpret their response as not matching the situation, when in fact most of the time it is.
4. ‘It’s natural to feel sad.’
Parents often want their children to feel happy, but it is natural to feel a variety of emotions, including difficult or uncomfortable ones. The goal is not to stop the emotion, Help children accept and manage this.
Helping children understand that crying isn’t bad and that it’s perfectly natural to feel sad, angry, lonely, or frustrated sometimes reduces the feeling of shame that comes with negative experiences.
5. ‘Crying is a healthy way for our body to release emotions.’
Finally, it is important for children to understand that crying is a very healthy way to release emotions. Crying is coping; Likewise, painting, playing, talking, running, listening to music and breathing. You can help children try different strategies and find what works best for them.
Use tears as a chance to meet children where they are and help them overcome challenges with confidence and connection.
Kelsey Mora is a Certified Child Life Specialist and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who provides specialized support, guidance and resources to parents, families and communities impacted by medical conditions, trauma, grief and daily life stress. She is a private practice owner, mother of two, creator and writer. Method Workbooksand the nonprofit organization’s Chief Clinical Officer Pickle Group.
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