McFly drummer’s child ‘has pathological demand avoidance’ – which means ‘they can get anxious if you tell them what to do’

Harry Judd’s wife Izzy revealed that one of their children suffers from pathological demand avoidance (PDA); This means even simple requests like tidying up their room or saying please and thank you can cause anxiety.

The 41-year-old violinist, who married McFly drummer Harry, 39, in 2012, shared a candid perspective on their home life as they discussed the challenges they face as parents of a child with neurodivergence.

“Pathological demand avoidance is linked to autism,” Izzy said on the latest episode of Dr Alex George’s Stompcast podcast.

‘This is fundamentally about demands being made to a child where there is a lot of anxiety underlying the request.’

Everyday instructions like getting dressed or brushing your teeth can trigger distress, she said, so she avoids direct commands or even asking too many questions because they can feel like demands.

Izzy admitted: ‘An outsider looking in might see this as a form of lazy parenting, lack of discipline or whatever they want to say.’

Social media users praised her honesty about the challenges faced by parents of children with neurodivergence; however, some admitted that they were unfamiliar with the condition and wanted to learn more.

So what exactly is pathological demand aversion, and why do some experts question whether it’s a real condition?

Izzy shares daughter Lola, eight, and sons Kit, seven, and Lockie, three, with the McFly drummer (filmed in 2022)

Sometimes called ‘pervasive drive for autonomy’, this is not a separate medical diagnosis but rather a range of behaviors sometimes seen in people with autism.

According to medical literature, this condition is characterized by ‘extreme resistance to everyday demands’ and a ‘strong need for control’ and is often caused by underlying anxiety.

Experts say this is best managed with a ‘low-pressure, flexible approach’ that gives the child more autonomy, using indirect language, humor and cooperation rather than rigid rules or orders.

The term was first coined by British psychologist Dr. It was coined by Elisabeth Newson to describe children who do not fit the typical picture of autism but persistently avoid daily demands.

However, the National Autistic Society states that it is not clinically recognized in major diagnostic guidelines and there is currently no standard way to assess it.

Therefore, there is no reliable data on how common it may be. However, in recent years the concept has begun to gain wider attention beyond the autism community.

Research shows that some adults, both autistic and non-autistic, now identify with traits of pathological demand avoidance, often describing lifelong difficulties with daily demands, authority, or control.

Research in adults without a diagnosis of autism shows that people who consider themselves to have pathological demand avoidance problems often share common characteristics such as high anxiety and difficulty coping with uncertainty.

Presenter Dr. In her conversation with Alex George, she said she had to adapt her entire approach to parenting to avoid overwhelming her children with rigid routines and expectations.

Izzy added that external expectations often conflict with the needs of neurodivergent children, which means they are often misunderstood (Image in December 2023)

Some people say this label helps them make sense of things, but others believe it may simply describe behavior linked to anxiety, ADHD, or past stress or trauma, rather than a separate condition.

TikTok also has hundreds of video clips discussing avoiding pathological demand, some of which have been viewed thousands, even millions, of times.

Many people who identify with the hashtag admit to hearing about it for the first time on the video-sharing app, saying it helps ‘make sense’ of ‘things that have always been there but not understood’.

Others direct viewers to online tests that ‘can help you figure out if you have pathological demand avoidance.’

Izzy Judd, who shares eight-year-old daughter Lola, seven-year-old sons Kit and three-year-old Lockie with McFly drummer Harry, revealed in April that one of her children is neurologically divergent.

The former Britain’s Got Talent finalist said she and Harry spent several years ‘learning how to parent a neurodivergent child’, describing the process as ‘overwhelming’ and ‘very tiring’.

Speaking this week, Izzy said she had to rethink her entire approach to parenting to avoid overwhelming her children with rigid routines.

‘I stopped being late a long time ago,’ he admitted.

Izzy also touched on how challenging school environments can be for children with PDA, calling for greater understanding in education (taken in 2022)

‘The more pressure you feel – ‘you have to go!’ – the slower everything will slow down. Now I put them in the car and if they get cold they put their coats on. ‘When they feel the autonomy of being in control, incredible things happen.’

Societal expectations often conflict with the needs of neurodivergent children, he said. ‘There are pretty strict societal expectations about how children should behave,’ he said.

‘For a neurodivergent child, they physically cannot sit. ‘Not because they don’t want to, not because they can’t.’

Izzy added that the journey forced her to “let go of comparisons and other people’s opinions about her own parenting.”

‘Birthday parties are extremely challenging because there’s this expectation,’ he explained.

‘If your child isn’t behaving ‘normally’ you spend all your time conflicted about how to handle it. A long time ago I thought: Why do I go to these parties? Nobody enjoys this.

‘That’s why we don’t have birthday parties. Also, if we wrap the birthday gift, we tell you what’s inside. Not knowing what’s inside a gift is a big thing; It’s a big ask to open it up, then be grateful, and then say thank you.’

Izzy also revealed how everyday traditions like Christmas can be anxiety-provoking for families with neurodivergence.

“Christmas starts in November,” he said. ‘The songs, the changes in routine, the expectations… and then they want beige food, so you put pizza in the oven and people say, ‘That’s so rude.’

‘Even if you know what’s right for your child, there will always be friction.’

Harry and Izzy, who met while they were part of the string quartet performing on McFly’s 2005 tour, married seven years later in a ceremony covered exclusively by Hello! magazine.

They have since become one of the most enduring couples to emerge from the pop scene, regularly sharing family moments and raising awareness about mental health and fertility.

Harry, who won Strictly Come Dancing in 2011, has also spoken openly about his own experiences with anxiety and admitted that therapy and meditation have helped him manage his mental health in the past.

Izzy added: ‘Most of the time I am rude to myself is when I am trying to please someone else rather than my child. If a child is in pain and it’s visual, it’s easier to empathize.

‘But when behaviors are truly challenging, it’s hard to find that empathy. You look under it and wonder, ‘What did I miss?’ you should ask.