My cheating partner thought I’d forgiven his affair and assumed, at 53, I was too scared to leave. Instead, I got revenge in the most delicious way… and here’s how: KATE MULVEY

If you’ve ever been cheated on by a partner, you know the sickening pain. Sobbing on the phone with friends for hours. The self-doubt that plagues you at 3 in the morning.

Why did he cheat on me? Will I be able to trust him again? And most importantly: Should I take it back?

While therapists talk about determination, restorative growth, and the power of forgiveness, my advice is simpler: change the locks and cut off his favorite jacket.

Because a relationship isn’t ‘just sex’ or a ‘mistake’; It is a conscious betrayal. When someone cheats, they are mocking you, your shared history, and your emotional security.

And even if you try to forgive them, you never really can. I should know. I learned the hard way.

I was amazed when I first met Mike, then 51 and 59, at a friend’s party. With his firm, sharp eyes and brown hair, he flirted with me while discussing art. I was incredibly attracted to him and the relationship progressed quickly.

At first he was everything I could dream of in a partner.

Yet I was too blind to see the red flags waving my way. Long hours spent at work are so-called. Weird way he started protecting his phone. In the evening, he wore a gray cashmere sweater and brand new trousers just to look after his nephew.

Finally, a year and a half after Mike and I got together, a friend took me out for coffee and dropped the bombshell: My boyfriend was having an affair with the manager of a restaurant he frequented.

I felt physically sick, time seemed to slow down around me.

That evening I stormed into Mike’s house to confront him. “He begged me to forgive him, I was the center of his world,” he said. He was going to take me on vacation.

Then he put his head in his hands and sighed. He didn’t feel heard. I was always busy. Blah blah blah… but I still fell for it.

Part of the problem was that I struggled with the idea of ​​starting fresh on my own. I was 53 years old and felt like time was running out.

We talked and cried until the early hours of the morning. He told me about his childhood, how his father left him in the car while he went out drinking at the bar. This so-called childhood trauma apparently excused his behavior.

I took her in my arms. We even made love that evening. Stupid, stupid me.

Last week, the dilemma of whether to forgive Mike came to my mind when Norwegian Olympian Sturla Holm Lægreid publicly admitted to cheating on her girlfriend. She begged for forgiveness, calling him the love of her life and begging him to take her back.

Kate Mulvey says my advice is to change her locks and cut off her favorite jacket

Luckily, he doesn’t seem too keen on doing so, saying his actions are ‘hard to forgive’. But if he hesitates in his decision, let me repeat: it would be a big mistake.

Because here’s what therapists don’t tell you. Even if you try to get it back, you lose a piece of yourself in the process.

As the relationship limped on for a few more months, I quickly turned into a version of myself that I hated; A paranoid, jealous harpy. I found myself monitoring his every move, checking his phone while he was in the shower, demanding to know where he was when he returned late in the evening. When he looked at a beautiful blonde on the street, it felt like a sickening blow to my self-confidence.

He paid the price for this. There were two opposing thoughts in my head: He loves me and wants a future with me. He slept with her and lied to my face without batting an eyelid.

The truth was that I wasn’t living with him; I was living with the ghost of who I thought he was, who I hoped he would be.

It was always going to turn into ugly power struggles. She got defensive and told me I was insecure and needed therapy. I struggled to sleep as I was in a fog where reality was completely unattainable.

When I told him he was playing with me he replied: ‘Stop it, Kate. I love you.’

But you can’t claim to love someone while simultaneously choosing to betray them. Infidelity is an act of self-interest, not compassion.

After all, I couldn’t get over it by ‘working on our problems’. I got over it by kissing another man in front of him.

We were at a mutual friend’s gallery opening that we both attended. I was dressed to the nines in a tight dress, high heels and full work. While we were walking around separately, a handsome photographer I knew imperceptibly came up to me and put his hand on my waist.

‘Wow,’ I thought and then ‘why not?’

I saw Mike watching out of the corner of his eye as Mr. Photographer pulled me towards him and we shared a flirty kiss. He even took my number.

‘Do you like this?’ I then said sarcastically to Mike. He was very angry.

I said, ‘Well, now you know some of what I feel’ and walked out. It was a great feeling.

This was my way of saying that I had moved on, that I deserved better. I hope Lægreid’s girlfriend realized the same thing.

• Mike’s name has been changed