My daughter’s boyfriend is repulsive. He is overweight, lazy and has the most awful habits. Think I’m exaggerating? Read what he likes to do in the garden… BEL MOONEY responds to one of the most appalling letters she’s ever received

Dear Bel,

I live 100 miles away from my daughter, but we talk every day.

She has a good job and has been an excellent mother to her children, both of whom now live in Asia, and she misses them terribly.

He was married twice, his last divorce was seven years ago.

He is handsome, sociable, popular, has his own house, car and lots of friends.

He has a partner (of three years) who has a great personality like him and lives alone in the same village.

He has been married three times and sees all six of his children frequently; The youngest are teenagers, whom he finds unfriendly because they are introverted and can be sarcastic and even downright rude.

The problem is that her partner is very overweight in her 20s. She encourages him to eat healthy, but he has no intention of doing so. He’s on weight loss injections but still drinks beer and eats cakes and donuts…

One of his main complaints is that although he is very fit, he is very lazy. He said he peed in the garden because he was too lazy to go upstairs, farted with his friends, was never embarrassed, and had terrible hygiene habits.

It is also said that he had an accident before they met, which means they cannot have sex. He’s very loving and kind, but I think he’s trying to belittle himself.

Now he wants to look for a property they can buy, but she wonders if she would be better off on her own.

She says she sometimes finds him repulsive and dislikes him, but enjoys his company. Is he throwing his life away?

Francine

Bell Mooney replies: From where I’m standing, this guy definitely doesn’t look very attractive.

And I mercifully stay far away from the smell of ammonia rising from the ground, where the daffodils are less yellow than the rain of male piss that waters them. Oh no!

Worse… Now I’m imagining him rolling across the garden to where your daughter is having tea with her friends, letting go of the thunder, waving his paw loosely, then sitting down in a squeaky chair and stuffing his face with cake.

Yes, I know it sounds scary. Because it fits the behavior. In January, I published a letter from ‘Fiona’, who was upset by her partner’s disgusting personal habits. I recently chatted with a woman who left her husband because she was completely disgusted by his lack of attention to personal appearance and hygiene.

Why don’t these guys realize this is important? Do they think women will be so grateful for their devotion that they will gladly put up with their bad breath, bloated bellies, sweat, moobs, nose hair and dirty underwear?

We women can’t move on from articles about slimming shots, make-up tips, age-appropriate clothes, body contouring, ‘beach body preparation’ and how to stay sexy in our 70s – as if our souls were tied to all this chaos.

If we are generally expected to make such an effort, why shouldn’t men? (I should emphasize here that I’ve unfortunately only had personal experience with fragrant men, but I feel vindicated by what I’ve been told, as well as regularly observing middle-aged men with awful old t-shirts stuck to their beer guts, all dressed up for a night out.)

In your shoes, I would advise my daughter to stay at home, preserve every shred of social independence she has, and tell her cheerful boyfriend to continue living in his own place, where his kids can visit (and sulk) whenever he wants.

I’m sure, if asked, she would prefer not to give her adult children, six half-siblings.

Taking on the shared financial burden of a new home will inevitably complicate matters. Why make life more complicated than it potentially is with both your daughter’s and this man’s past history?

Your daughter seems like a wonderful woman, but if she is both ashamed and disgusted with this man after living under separate roofs for three years, how can she imagine that their habits will change if they live together? They won’t. There would be no escape from them.

He may be ‘caring and gentle’ (and I believe that), but those feelings don’t extend to wanting to please him by taking care of himself or eating well, do they?

If you love someone, you should always take their feelings and wishes into account. And if she sold and bought a place from him, she would lose the chance to meet an attractive and attentive man who would sweep her off her feet in the future.

You never know, right? It must protect its independence at all costs.

How do I grieve the loss of a sibling I never knew?

Dear Bel,

Yesterday I received the sad news that my hopes of meeting my recently found brother C in the future will never come true. He died suddenly last month.

Last September, my daughter’s and my DNA profiles identified her (via the Ancestry site) as being in the northwestern United States. When we connected, we shared a whirlwind connection.

He was the most welcoming of the three newly found half-siblings, sons and daughter of my biological GI father.

Others were happy to hear about us but were more hesitant to take it forward. We were prepared for disappointment, as I had experienced the reluctance of my maternal family a few years earlier.

So C takes us through photos, family stories, hobbies, etc. We were so excited and excited when he welcomed us into his family. They were as eager to learn more about us as we were about them.

We sent our life story and photos and C’s son told us how much they enjoyed it.

Despite the ocean separating us, we had a lot in common. So we felt like we had known him much longer than we actually did. I’m so grateful for all of this.

His son was so kind to us even though he had to suffer so much. He understands that we need to know that they are worried about us too. C and I were planning to meet up and were talking about sharing a special hug. It seems so cruel what was taken from us.

I know this makes me sound selfish, and it in no way takes away how sad and devastated his family feels, but my life circumstances make it especially felt.

I am so lucky to have a wonderful family, both recently and more widely adopted, and I have always felt safe in their love.

But I don’t know if non-adopted people truly understand how powerful a role rejection/abandonment plays in our personal makeup.

Death must be the ultimate rejection. Other rejections can be put aside in the hope that change can occur. But death is final. The doors are closed. No hugs – ever.

C’s warmth (and his immediate family’s) was exceptional in both of my birth families, and so the loss is greater.

How do you feel the pain of losing someone so important that you never knew but missed?

Lucy

Bell Mooney replies: I’m so sorry. Your point about the lack of understanding in non-adopted people is very well expressed and all my instincts tell me you are right.

Unpacking your story, it’s clear that your mother was impregnated by an American soldier and gave you up for adoption because she felt she couldn’t keep her baby.

You also emphasize that your adoption experience was good and that you were supported by that family.

But like many adopted people, you wanted to know who you really were: the identity of your biological parents.

Again, as is quite common, you found that your mother’s family was reluctant to develop a relationship with you, so when you finally tracked down your father’s family, you had a half-brother C who was delighted to be found. The sheer joy of this late contact flies off the page.

But unfortunately the subject line of your email reads: ‘I was lost, found and lost again.’ There is such heartbreak in these words.

I can just imagine how excited you both are, your joy at discovering you have things in common, and also your shared joy of having your immediate family happy to find new family members.

All you can do at this point is remember all the surprise and delight and celebrate the fact that you and C ‘met’ each other on land, sea and air. You found each other, I hope you can focus on the miracle of that.

Moreover, even if you will never be able to share that hug with C, remember that he has a family.

You ask how it is possible to mourn, so my suggestion is that you plan a pilgrimage to America now; Of course not immediately, but within a few months.

C’s family is closely connected to you: you have a nephew and your daughter has a cousin.

Never mind the ‘half’ thing; You are all a family. You can meet C’s son and other relatives, and (of course) visit C’s grave.

I can imagine that your son will be honored to accompany you, share your tears, and tell you more stories about his father.

I believe such a visit will give you a touching, deeply meaningful sense of closure. Or, if you prefer, discovery after loss.

And finally… Why am I so proud to be a Christian?

Guess what I’m going to do tomorrow morning? Palm Sunday is the day when Jesus rode a donkey into Jerusalem and was greeted by cheering crowds waving palm branches.

Of course, these praises quickly turned into ‘Crucify him!’ It turned into screams. – such is the constant indecision of the crowds.

Palm Sunday remains a special day, traditionally celebrated with ceremonies symbolizing faith. That’s what I’m going to do.

Yes, we all had the joy of following a real donkey this year as we walked proudly through our village with other members of our church.

Some of you may think this is a bit ridiculous. It’s even embarrassing. I felt that way once, before I found the freedom to not care what strangers think.

At the time I wondered why people had to put on a show like this; I am now more than happy to declare my allegiance to all that I respect in our great Christian culture. The list is very long.

I mean, if thousands of Muslims can fill a famous space like London’s iconic Trafalgar Square and prostrate themselves in prayer, why shouldn’t Christian groups also display their faith on the street? Because to me, this is still a Christian country. I would go to the barricades for this.

I know people don’t go to church. It’s a shame that the most worshiped gods are Consumerism and Celebrity. But ask people why they like to fill the church for Christmas carols, or whether they want our magnificent, sacred buildings, our heritage, to be turned into mosques, and then the answer may reveal something deep in their souls.

Even an atheist can recognize and want to preserve the humanity and magnificence of the Judeo-Christian culture that is the foundation of our precious civilization. But not in a museum. Public.