My high-powered husband won’t admit he’s hooked on cocaine. I’m scared. This is so common, says CAROLINE WEST-MEADS. This is exactly how to make him change

Q I never thought I was going to write it, but I feel hopeless and I don’t know where to return. My husband looks perfect at the end of their 40s and on the surface: we have two little children, a beautiful house, a new car and a high -power career. It seems to have everything for foreigners.

But things behind the closed doors are very different. He became more dependent on cocain. We both tried the parties in the past, but I stopped when we had children. He says he uses it to cope with the long hours and pressure of his job or to celebrate after a new customer securing it. But now, the cocain seems to be the thing that maintains it.

The impact on our family is very big. Their moods can be unpredictable, arguments can be shining and hurting on anything. Even if it is clear, he often lies about his use. I am afraid of the effect on our children and I loved him very much, I feel helpless. If this continues, it can destroy your health, our relationship and everything we work for. Nevertheless, when I raised him, he either rejects me or defends me, convinced that he was ‘in control’ because he wins well and pays the bills. How can I help him when he doesn’t believe he has a problem?

A Watching someone you love into addiction is suffering, especially when they deny that there is a problem. Nevertheless, drug use is already damaging both you and children.

Your husband may say that cocaine helps to cope with his job, but the truth is that he is harming health, pushing relationships and fueled a violent drug trade. The behavior of home – mood changes, fraud, nastines in arguments – unacceptable. It implies your children emotionally at risk and creates a harmful example. You are right to be afraid.

Choose a calm moment when you talk to him. Be compassionate but intact: tell him that you love him, but explain how his behavior affects you and children. Use ‘I’, for example, rather than charges rather than charges. Be prepared for denial, but continue to repeat the message slightly until you are ready to accept professional assistance.

It is not a problem to set clear limits. This is not about ultimatomes, but about being honest: if nothing changes, explain that you cannot continue marriage. It is also important to get help for yourself. Smartrecovery.org. Family studies are often effective in the treatment of addiction. Adfam.org.uk and Weewithyou.org.uk are also good support sources.

It is a frightening way for the next eye, but there is a forward -looking road.

Should I tell him I’m well -groomed?

Q I got pregnant 40 years ago when I was 18 years old. Father was a 35 -year -old married family friend who I thought he cared about me. First we had sex when I was 16 years old. However, I have an abortion when I get pregnant.

I never told anyone and I was very embarrassed for a long time. I thought all this was my fault, and I think my trust finally destroyed my marriage that ended five years ago. I never told my husband.

But now I understand that I am well -groomed. I desperately regret my marriage and I want to tell my ex -husband in the hope that we can come together again. He’s single and we’re still friends. However, I don’t know where or how to start, and I’m worried that I’m stupid or that he might think it’s my mistake then.

A I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing this. Please know that this is not your mistake. You were a vulnerable young man – really grooming and abused. Shame belongs to the man who benefits you.

It should be difficult to keep this pain for many years. However, before you trust your old husband, it is important that you get help-to be careful and talk about the pain of abortion. Start with the rape crisis (Rapecrisis.org.uk, 0808 500 2222) and guide your consultancy.

When you feel strong enough, you can tell your ex -lover. There is no guarantee you will come together. But when you miss him and you are still friends, he must have good qualities like courtesy. At least you can talk about what happened, which can help you.