I was a functioning gambling addict in thousands of pounds of debt. Then I discovered this common condition that affects millions of women was to blame. These are the warning signs I missed

Standing on the train station platform, I wrote a letter to the next driver to arrive, apologizing for the trauma I was about to cause him and his passengers. I had reached my lowest point and I was going to end it all.

I was so in need of money that week that I stole £600 in cash from my ex-partner’s salary to feed my gambling addiction. I was so sick of seeing his face when he realized I’d done the same thing again, I was sick of apologizing, and I was sick of living this way. At that moment I felt like I couldn’t continue. I would let everyone down, I was thousands in debt, and I truly believed everyone would be better off without me.

In that desperate moment at the station, I realized that I could not bring myself to create such a trauma in the train driver; Instead, I returned home to south London in tears and called GamCare, the National Gambling Helpline, for the first time and finally got the help I needed.

I was lucky enough to go to an NHS rehabilitation center in North Wales for six weeks. We were only allowed to use the phone for one hour a day and upon arrival they placed gambling blockers on each phone. I received Cognitive Behavioral Therapy; Rather than focusing on the addiction itself, therapists evaluated why we felt we needed to escape reality. Both one-on-one and group sessions were very intense. It was also absolutely life changing; It was the best thing I’ve ever done.

But the most surprising thing I learned was that my gambling spree always got worse on the same few days each month – for years my periods had been wreaking havoc on my mood, meaning that during the week I ovulated I felt powerless, angry and unable to control my gambling. I didn’t care if I was down to my last kilo.

At the beginning of my recovery, I had a week where I was really afraid of a relapse, and during rehab I realized that it always happened during ovulation (the second week of my cycle). That’s when I become more impulsive, more moody; I’m more likely to hit the “chew” button than other times of the month.

This happens to millions of women; Estrogen and progesterone drop suddenly right after ovulation, causing a dramatic mood swing.

When I realized this, I got the Flo period tracker app and started tracking my period, which allowed me to better control and predict my mood. Now I can think: ‘I have to step up my therapy this week, I have to be kind to myself.’

I am now 40 and have been away from gambling for almost two years. I volunteer as a ‘peer help’ mentor, working with people starting to recover from gambling and sharing my experiences to raise awareness. I write a gratitude journal every day, I meditate, and I have very solid support systems.

But how did something that started as a fun weekend habit completely take over my life?

The National Lottery started when I was little and my mum won £10. This exciting memory stayed with me and when I turned 16 I realized that I could legally buy a scratch card. A young girl my age at the time had won a large sum of money in the Lottery, and I remember thinking how much that would change my life.

For a while it was just a fun habit, but after I gave birth to my daughter at 21 and became a single mother, scratch card gambling took hold on me.

My friend would come over at the weekends, bring drinks and scratch cards, and we’d stay up all night ‘playing card games’ – sometimes spending up to £500 on our weekend habit. However, despite the large sums of money involved, I never saw this as a ‘problem’ as I did not pay for them. Quite early on I felt a great sense of excitement when I realized that I had won £1,000, which was a huge sum for me at the time.

I had just lost my job in low paying temp jobs and this win gave me the idea that if I was lucky enough to win this much in such a short time, I would definitely win big again. I won a few hundred quid here and there, just 50 quid, but at that point in my life even those sums were significant and kept me gambling for more.

I was doing well at that time. I was still going to work, taking my daughter to school, keeping my house clean; scratch cards were more of a ‘weekend party’ thing. A few other moms I know came over and it felt like therapy after a rough week. We’d get takeout, the kids would watch movies, and we’d have a mom’s night out with wine and a pack of scratch cards. We were each paying our own money and I was spending £50 each time.

Kiki’s gambling started when she turned 16… and realized she could legally buy scratch cards

With help, Kiki has cured her gambling addiction and says with a repayment plan in place, she will be debt-free by the end of next year for the first time in decades.

But I never felt like I was doing anything wrong because everyone around me was doing it too. Looking back, I don’t think I ever thought about what I had lost. I only focused on the small amounts I earned.

I started getting into debt in 2016. I had a traumatic miscarriage that year and that’s when I gave up scratch cards and started gambling on online ‘slot machines’. It was a form of escape; I couldn’t think or feel while gambling. I didn’t care about anything except what I was doing. The hit was so much faster and better than the scratch card and my habit got out of control very quickly.

I’m out of money; So much so that I started stealing money from my ex-partner. I would use this to spend more time playing online slots, thinking that I would repay him when I won. I had various retail jobs and was on benefits, but it was never enough. I was constantly borrowing money from my friends and I was very depressed but I still couldn’t stop. It got to the point where I was spending £60 a day which was all I had for that week’s meal.

I found that I could sign up for up to 20 different sites at once, under different names, but with the same bank information, so I could still get paid into my account. Things got worse when I discovered I could gamble online with my phone bill. At one point I won £2,500. I paid off a lot of debt, but the cycle continued.

By 2023 I owed £2,000 to Vodafone, hundreds of household bills and countless personal debts to friends and family. I would pay part of the phone bill just so I could gamble again.

I was in a vicious circle and couldn’t find a way out, I kept thinking ‘one win will solve everything’.

Even at this point I dressed well and presented myself as ‘good’ outside my home so no one knew what was really going on or the mental anguish I was enduring. Unlike drinking, gambling is something that is not in your face; While my friends knew I gambled for fun, no one had any idea of ​​the extent of it. They didn’t see the desperation, the panic attacks, the frustration, or me begging a God I didn’t believe in to help me stop.

The only bills I always paid were for wifi and electricity because that was all I needed to gamble. I stopped seeing anyone and stayed in my bedroom. I no longer cared about personal hygiene or cleaning my house and was living on one meal a day, lying, even stealing to fund my addiction.

Then I found myself at the train station. Finally reaching the bottom meant I was finally getting the help I needed.

When I left rehab, I was attending five support meetings a day. I also joined BetknowmoreEnglandI found a gambling recovery service and a mentor.

Speech has great power. I now go to three women’s groups a week; We discuss what we are going through and truly beautiful friendships emerge. It’s so important to nourish your soul with good, healthy connections.

I’m still paying off debt – I signed up for budgeting tool Credit Karma (Kredikarma.co.uk) and learned exactly what I owed. I make payment plans and pay individually. But at the end of next year, I will be debt-free for the first time in decades.

It’s a great feeling to reach a point in life where I can think about being debt free, maybe getting a mortgage, having things I could never have imagined without getting better… I feel so grateful.

As told to Flic Everett

For mental health support, call Samaritans free on 116 123, email jo@samaritans.org or visit: samaritans.org