I’ve made a mistake with funeral song choice – must match relief my death will bring | UK | News

Is it too late to change the music I want played at my funeral? As I lay in a coffin and was driven in a hearse to a spot where someone was digging a hole, I think my answer would be an emphatic yes. What about now? I have incurable bowel cancer and statistics show I only have an 11% chance of living longer than five years from diagnosis.

I was diagnosed in June 2023, so I will probably die in June 2028, so that’s a little less than two and a half years away. I thought a lot at the beginning of this year and now people are asking “Who Let the Dogs Out?” I would like to state that I do not want them to enter places of worship with their voices. By Baha Men.

Instead, I want a piece that I think will remain permanently in my brain until the day I die. It’s called Octopus (100,000 Hande) It belongs to an Austrian band called Mountain Crew.

The Instagram algorithm has somehow built it into my life, and every video I see features people in Alpine gear having an incredibly good time.

Although I don’t speak German (I only got a B at GCSE), to me this is a song in which a usually shirtless Austrian man asks the crowd how many hands an octopus has, and they reply that he has 100,000 hands.

To let the facts get in the way of the song, octopuses have tentacles, not hands. But the song isn’t about how much squid you can get from a giant octopus with 100,000 tentacles.

And to let the facts get in the way of the song even more, I used AI to translate the lyrics and meaning.

Allegedly this is the song where the 100,000 lines are a metaphor for the crowd, just don’t think about the party. If you believe in artificial intelligence, then it is designed so that thousands of people can perform actions in a beer tent without bumping into each other.

Yes, like all songs that do not suit the Eurovision stage, this song also has action. I doubt the number of people at my funeral will reach double digits, let alone hundreds.

But for anyone who gets an invite to Fiskoff, here are some details about the action. Singer “How many hands?” (all in German), you have to put your hands around your mouth like a megaphone.

Then 100,000 Hände! When you shout! You need to raise both hands in the air and move your fingers like tentacles.

Confusing (if you don’t speak German) during the verses you hold your hands in the air and sway so you look like seaweed in the waves.

One thing to remember, and some people hate songs with action, but it’s much better than crying. It’s all part of trying to add fun to the funeral.

After all, if the cancer kills me by spreading from my intestines to all my other organs and up my spine before shutting down my brain, it won’t be a painless death.

This will be a death where my friends and family can wave their arms like an octopus’s tentacles and relax, thinking my pain is gone.

June 2028 is far enough away for me to get some work done in advance; most importantly, to ensure that the recently announced Personal Cancer Plan delivers on its promise for cancer patients.

In announcing this as part of the UK National Cancer Plan, Wes Streeting promised that he had listened to the Daily Express and our Cancer Care campaign and understood the importance of cancer patients receiving mental health support both during and after treatment.

When in-person plans are launched, hopefully later this year, cancer doctors need to make sure they are prepared for their patients so they can receive support through the mental and physical effects of the devastating disease.