Richard Glover’s definite, undeniable, guaranteed predictions for 2026
I confess that I don’t have the best records when it comes to predicting next year’s events. At this point last year, I predicted that Putin would fall from power next year, that Trump would cut all ties with Elon Musk, and that the previous prince, Andrew, would admit to taking a salary from the Australian Republican movement because that was the only way to explain his behavior.
Okay, wrong on all counts; Even the Trump-Musk friendship seems to have been resurrected. But that won’t stop me from trying one more time. On this occasion, here are my top 20 guaranteed accurate predictions for 2026.
1. Trump will drop all policies that make him unpopular, like tariffs and the deployment of the National Guard, because he hates being unpopular. Instead, he’ll focus on the two things he really cares about: building a ballroom in the White House and naming things after himself.
2. Colesworth begins losing so much product to thieves that they consider a radical new suggestion: hiring real people to man the cash registers.
3. International “wake-up war” will result in a return Black and White Minstrel Show to Australian television Love Thy Neighbor And Summer Highs High – That’s when people will discover that being aware of others’ emotions isn’t always a bad thing.
4. Surfing and other forms of sea swimming will be impossible as ocean access is blocked by a continuous line of oversized huts stretching from one end of the east coast to the other.
5. Young Australians will discover, after a month or two of pain, that life is better without social media. There will be a boom in fishing, going to the movies and visiting the shops. Many other countries will follow us, just as they did with cigarette sales, and in hindsight it will seem crazy that we let American billionaires make money by exploiting our children.
6. So many wealthy people will use weight-loss pills that upscale restaurants will stop serving food, instead serving dishes that please diners’ other senses but not their taste buds—the smell of rosemary crushed under lamb’s hoof, for example, or the sound of rocks being rolled by the rippling waters of the Mediterranean at seafood restaurants. In some places, the chef comes out, tickles your armpits and charges you $85.
7. Crypto will crash when people realize that a “coin” having a value of zero is as meaningful as having a value of $100,000.
8. The youth movement called “67” will run out of steam and be replaced by a tendency to randomly shout “89” in an explosion of intergenerational creativity. Mathematics teachers will continue to be placed on stress leave.
9. Mistakes made by ChatGPT and other AI assistants will become so common and commercially disastrous that risk-averse companies will ban staff from using them in all but the simplest applications. “Not artificial, not clever” will become commonplace, as if we’ve been in this from the beginning.
10. Other organizations, such as the Appalachian Fly Fishermen’s Association and the United Pie Makers of Brooklyn, which witnessed FIFA’s success in bowing to Trump by awarding him its own peace prize, will follow suit. In any case, a grateful Trump will emerge to tearfully accept the award.
11. Sussan Ley will willingly leave the Liberal leadership and return to her old profession of flying light aircraft, which she has found requires less bending and weaving.
12. Government efforts to increase housing affordability will inevitably be structured to increase prices even faster, thus serving the interests of those already in the housing market. Young voters will finally understand that this was intentional, not accidental.
13. After three decades of spell checking, we will discover that we have now lost the ability to spell anything with handwritten shopping lists that include purchase requests for “paster,” “mylk,” and “butta.”
14. The muffins will continue to grow until they reach a weight of 20 kilos, which is the limit that staff can lift within the scope of occupational health and safety rules.
15. The ability to read books will become a super skill and will mean the difference between those who can still concentrate and those who find 30 seconds of TikTok a bit difficult.
16. The word “Craftsman” will continue to be misused, increasingly referring to items such as washing powder, garden hoses and toilet cleaners. Manufacturers defending themselves against the ACCC will explain that, in their opinion, this word means “excessive pricing”.
17. So is “made traditionally,” which as the manufacturer describes it means “in a big, dirty factory in Brunswick.”
18. The trend towards rediscovering the virtues of old technology will move away from LP records and old-school cameras towards using typewriters and paying cash.
19. Putin will fall from power. If I guess this often enough, one day I will surely be right.
20. We will survive.
Happy New Year and hello to a less bad-than-expected 2026.
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