QUENTIN LETTS: We’re on the brink of World War III, but in Westminster the day began with ballroom dancing
British military bases were on high alert, bombs were falling on Tehran, an Iranian warship was being sunk off the coast of Sri Lanka… and they started the day with ballroom dancing in Westminster.
Forty MPs, led by Speaker Hoyle and Angela Rippon, joined the morning waltz in the courtyard of Portcullis House.
The idea was to encourage dance as a form of exercise. More lasting echoes might be the sound of the poor musicians playing ‘Nearer, My God, To Thee’ on the Titanic as the Atlantic burst through the portholes.
How should our parliamentarians react to the Iran crisis? At PMQs, Sir Keir Starmer patronized Kemi Badenoch for her lack of statesmanship. Ms Badenoch had bitten him on the ankles over defense spending and needled him about being slow to mobilize the Navy. workforce those in the back row tried to silence him by shouting and interrupting him with a point of order. Mrs Badenoch shouted at them that they were ‘a sea of orcs and vagabonds’. The birth was ‘miserable and weak’.
Orcs and vagabonds? Hansard’s stenographers blinked a little. The clerks consulted each other, unsure of what the term meant and whether it was unparliamentary. The screaming Labor masses were silent for a nanosecond, and then their bellowing grew more ferocious. A colleague in the press corridor thought the orcs and tramps sounded like a department store, perhaps in 1950s Edinburgh.
‘The aim was to promote dance as a form of exercise. More lasting echoes might be the sound of the poor musicians playing on the Titanic as the Atlantic burst out of the portholes.
Sir Keir Starmer, whose head has become more rectangular by the day with this emergency, insisted this was no time for partisanship. Later he was fond of exactly this kind of thing.’
Sir Keir, whose head grows more rectangular with each passing day of this emergency, insisted this was no time for partisan nonsense. He then told his opponent that ‘moments like these define an opposition leader; “They can either come forward, act in the national interest and show that they are fit to be prime minister, or they can reveal that they are completely uninterested,” he said. Wild chants from MPs and the disgustingly arrogant look on the face of a prime minister who almost failed to achieve victory last week.
Should an opposition leader really go easy on the Prime Minister during a military crisis? Iain Duncan Smith tried this approach with Tony Blair before the Iraq War. This didn’t help anyone much. During the Covid pandemic Sir Keir did next to nothing to oppose the Johnson government’s hugely expensive lockdowns. In fact, he wanted them to go further. The result was once again disastrous.
Seeking consensus from Ms Badenoch, Sir Keir gave the Conservatives a proper explanation for their time in power: ‘We’ve ruined everything in this country for 14 years’. Yes, everything. How careful the coy knight is to not exaggerate the sins of our Persian enemies, but how easy he finds it to exaggerate about the Tories.
Defense Secretary John Healey chose not to sit next to Sir Keir. Instead, he watched from the bar of the House, the name given to the area near the Serjeant at Arms. Mr Healey was therefore unable to move the Prime Minister when Ms Badenoch asked about defense spending.
Ms Badenoch had bitten Mr Starmer’s ankles on defense spending and needled him about being slow to mobilize the Navy.
Security minister Dan Jarvis approached the letterbox and announced that China had arrested three men suspected of spying on politicians.
Rachel Reeves was also there. Just “complete nonsense!” he shouted. Absolute nonsense!’ Ed Miliband made a rare visit to PMQs. Ana shielded her eyes with one hand during the exchanges. What strange things guide us.
And on the heels of PMQs came a distinctly British take on geopolitical tensions: sex.
Security minister Dan Jarvis approached the letterbox and announced that China had arrested three men suspected of spying on politicians.
It was soon revealed that one of the suspects was married to a Labor MP and the other was in a relationship with a former MP.
Mr Jarvis announced that MPs and London think tanks will now be offered advice sessions on how to avoid honey traps. Oh boy, these courses must be so much fun.
We used to talk about the need to be careful about red spots under the bed. Now there are reds on the bed. No wonder the architectural roofing of the Palace of Westminster is loosening. Lots of jumping-jumping!
