How I keep my relationship alive

Deadlines, school runs and the constant “what’s for dinner?” conversation, even the best relationships can start to run on autopilot.

This doesn’t mean that the spark has faded or that you’ve stopped loving your partner; Rather, it means that life is getting in your way.

Author Nell Frizzell knows this very well; After 10 years with her partner and two young children, she admits she can’t devote as much time and energy to her husband as she used to.

“I know we’re told to focus on quality time, physical contact, and lovingly looking into each other’s eyes, but I’m actually yelling at my husband to turn off the eggs.”

Frizzell says his life was at a “breaking point.”

His time, his body, and his attention are being pulled in every direction; raising children, caring for elderly parents, running the house and working all at the same time.

“And with all of this, where do you have the time to look someone in the eye and tell them they’re amazing?” he asks.

But Frizzell discovered something that helps keep the relationship bond alive; something he calls “third energy.”

He laughs at the dinner table, not in the bedroom.

“If we go, we go with another family, and if we go out for dinner, I like to have friends there,” she explains.

It’s a surprisingly simple idea, but Frizzell says having dinner with another couple, friends, or family really works because the presence of other people naturally changes the dynamic.

Sometimes so-called date nights can be intense, where you “sit down with the person you live with and try to come up with something new to say,” she says, so another person can help provide a new conversation starter or a new perspective.

“When I’m around people we don’t see all the time, I find him incredibly attractive when they ask him questions. I can’t imagine asking him or saying things I wouldn’t tell him,” Frizzell says.

Psychotherapist Susanna Abse says some space and variety is vital to a successful relationship.

“Couples may act around each other but avoid actual contact,” he says.

Really noticing your partner can make a big difference.

“Instead of going downstairs in the morning and dealing with a million chores, see how your partner is doing.”

Abse suggests asking them questions like how they’re feeling or how their day was; “curiosity is important”.

Clinical psychologist Dr Amani Milligan says it’s also important to spend quality time together.

This isn’t meant to be a grand gesture, and Dr. Milligan says it can be as simple as taking Thursdays off work together or setting rules like no phones before bed so you can catch up on each other’s days.

Relationships can come with countless distractions, from emails and notifications on your phone to endless piles of laundry or dishes that need sorting.

Abse says electronic devices can drive couples further apart.

“Protest your partner’s constant use of their phone and set some rules you can both agree to.”

It’s nearly impossible to talk about keeping the love alive without talking about physical intimacy, and Frizzell swears he planned for it.

“It may sound administrative to say, ‘That’s when we’re going to have sex,’ but with young children, it’s definitely a big deal and something to look forward to.”

Abse agrees with this practical approach, saying that if you’re not having sex, “you need to accept the risk of it” and that if you’re both unhappy with the arrangement, “relationships often stem from unmet needs.”

When we’re short on time or have a lot to do, sex may be one of the first things to do, but Abse says you need to “let yourself be persuadable.”

“You don’t go to bed feeling very sexual, but maybe that can change with your partner’s attention.”

Focusing more on each other and seeing his partner again improved Frizzell’s relationship.

The final lesson he learns is that it’s important to keep a little mystery from each other.

“Close the toilet door and spend some time apart; by all means have a common project, but it shouldn’t be going to the toilet,” he laughs.