I’ve studied over 200 kids—the ones with high emotional intelligence do 7 things
Many parents are focused on raising smart children. But emotional intelligence, or the ability to understand, manipulate and express emotions in a healthy way, will strengthen your child’s resilience and mental strength more than any report card.
The good news is that you can see its progress in real time. As a mindful parenting coach who has worked with over 200 children, I try to look for cues from a child who feels safe enough to stay emotionally connected.
Here are seven signs that your child is developing emotional intelligence.
1. They can say what they feel
It’s a healthy sign if your child can say things like “I’m angry” instead of throwing the toy, or “I feel left out” instead of shutting down. This means they are developing their emotional vocabulary.
This is one of the oldest indicators of emotional intelligence because emotions with names become feelings that can be processed rather than acted upon.
I always make a point of acknowledging my child’s feelings rather than dismissing them with statements like “you’re okay” or “stop crying.”
2. They come to you when something goes wrong
If your child comes to you with big emotions (messy, inappropriate emotions), it means that he or she trusts you and feels safe.
Children open up when experience teaches them that they will not be shamed, punished, or emotionally abandoned for how they feel.
3. They can experience disappointment without falling apart
Emotionally intelligent children experience disappointment. They may cry after losing a game or become upset when the answer is “no.” But eventually they recover.
Be patient and allow your child to feel these uncomfortable feelings rather than rushing them.
4. They notice how others feel
“Mom, are you sad?”
“This kid looks lonely.”
The ability to recognize emotional changes in others is an important part of developing empathy, one of the highest forms of emotional intelligence.
Children absorb emotional awareness by constantly being around adults who model it for them.
5. They can apologize
I’m not talking about forced apologies where they say “I’m sorry” just to avoid consequences.
A truly emotionally intelligent child can tell if he or she has harmed someone, for example. They will want to make things right.
This requires self-awareness and empathy. It also reflects his own experiences. Children who receive repairs become children who can make repairs.
6. They can ask for what they need
“I need a hug.”
“Can I be alone for a minute?”
“Can you sit with me?”
Many adults have difficulty expressing their emotional needs directly. Therefore, if a child can do this, it is a strong sign of emotional intelligence. This usually means they are in an environment where needs are met frequently enough that it is safe to ask.
7. They don’t feel like they have to perform for you
This is perhaps the most overlooked sign.
Children with emotional intelligence do not spend their childhood constantly managing the emotional atmosphere around them and do not suppress themselves to maintain connection with you.
Reem Raouda is a certified conscious parenting coach, speaker, and author; is dedicated to one core idea: Loving your child and making them feel safe are not the same thing. She is the founder and creator of The Safe Mom. Safe Mother Master Classhelping parents raise emotionally healthy children through emotional safety, connection, and self-awareness. find it Instagram.
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