How to make it work for you and what to avoid
It can be a beautiful moment in conversations when small talk becomes golden and you discover common ground; anything from a common obsession Stranger Things to a favorite travel destination that provides a springboard for deeper connection.
However, it can be difficult to reach this point if the idea of talking to strangers discourages you; Professor of psychology at the Cairnmillar Institute in Perth, Dr. Catriona Davis-McCabe says this is true for most of us. Aiming for perfection, as well as higher levels of self-consciousness, hold many of us back, he says.
“The important thing is to remember that the conversation is about connection, not perfection. Everyone has a certain level of self-awareness, and we need to remind ourselves that other people may also be worried about how they present themselves,” she says.
Workplace courses in the form of small talk are in demand from young people who feel they are inexperienced in making conversation with colleagues at work because they have been isolated for too long, Sydney-based professional development coach Maud Vanhoutte says, adding that COVID has also had a lasting impact.
“People are often also afraid of rejection, or they feel like they can’t find things to talk about, or maybe they’ve had experiences with awkward silences in the past.”
But whatever it is that’s keeping you quiet, there are good reasons to refresh the small talk.
“This is how we deepen conversations and make friends, and the more we do it, the easier it gets. It’s about practice and being equipped with the topics,” says Davis-McCabe, former president of the Australian Psychological Society.
“Wherever you are, whether it’s a dog park or a conference center, use your location as a launching pad for questions – ‘so what kind of dog is this?’ ‘What did you think of this presentation?’ Show that you are truly curious about what the other person has to say. This will also help you feel less self-conscious.
“Share small, relatable tidbits about yourself and follow up on what the other person is telling you. If they’ve just returned from a long trip, ask questions that encourage more than yes or no answers. ‘What made you decide to go there?’ ‘What did you like most?’
“But look for signs that they’re losing interest, whether it’s the tone of voice, giving only short answers, or looking away. Either change the subject or use a closing line: ‘thanks for the chat’ or ‘it was great talking to you’.”
Vanhoutte’s advice is similar but distilled into a technique called ARE, an easy-to-remember formula developed by a communications coach. Carol Fleming To help the flow of conversation.
“A stands for anchor, which means where you are or the event you’re at. Use it as a hook to ask a question. R stands for statement, which means to say something about yourself, and E is for encourage. Ask them a question to get them talking,” says Vanhoutte.
Small talk is an asset in the workplace
“Talking is not a trivial waste of time,” says Vanhoutte. “Knowing how to chat is an investment with no startup cost, no risk, and endless upside, and it’s an asset in the workplace; it’s good for your personal brand and for making connections in the workplace. If you don’t chat with people, you may come off as rude or standoffish. Small talk can also be a warm-up for a deeper conversation.”
He suggests:
- “What do you like to do when you’re not working?” Try asking questions like: “Hopefully they will say something interesting or ask you questions that might interest you,” says Vanhoutte. “Aim to keep the conversation balanced so that it’s not just you talking. Sometimes people panic, feeling that if they stop talking there will be an awkward silence. You can avoid this if you ask questions.”
- “If you’re at a networking event chatting with other people, see if they’re alone and invite them; they’ll be grateful and love you for it. If you’re the only one in a room, call another lonely person and ask ‘can I join you?’ ask. “No one can say ‘no’.”
What to avoid
- Yes and no answers. These can lead to awkward silences, Vanhoutte says.
- Answering ‘fine’ if someone asks how your weekend was: find something interesting instead.
- Focusing on what your next question or comment will be. This means you are not listening to that person.
- Listing a list of questions instead of listening to what the other person is saying.
- Constantly looking at your phone. It prevents people from talking to you.
“People often stress about what they should say to others, but the important thing is, have you made them feel seen, heard and considered?” Vanhoutte says. “We get so fixated on making the words flow that we lose sight of the importance of how we make people feel.”
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