All I want for Christmas is for the Elf on the Shelf to disappear

Children are encouraged to write letters to Santa, but why shouldn’t adults express their hopes and dreams, too? As usual this time of year, I send out my wish list.

Dear Santa,
Could elves be a little less sexist about their Christmas gifts? Oh, we appreciate the work they do all year long hammering and stitching, but can they provide toys that don’t hit the child in the head with the gender stick? For example, what happened to Lego, which used to be the same when delivered to every child, but now comes as red and black armed dragons for boys and pink mermaid aquariums for girls? And then there are outfits consisting of pink sparkly unicorn t-shirts for girls and camouflage designs for boys. Elves! You can do better! These kids will have a lot of gender stereotypes in their lives. For example, will they be able to take a break until they are five years old?

Dear Santa,
Could batteries be included? I don’t know if you noticed, but most stores are closed on Christmas Day. Also, by noon on Christmas Day, grandpa had already had “a tiny glass of champagne,” by which I mean “three glasses of sweaty Hunter shiraz.” He can’t go to the service station to buy the three triple-A batteries needed to coax even the slightest movement from the “Complete Farm Set with Tractor and Farm Animals” that the elves thoughtfully provided for the four-year-old. If the Elves don’t plan on including batteries, could they at least include a pack of tissues for the crying child?

Dear Santa,
Couldn’t the Elf on the Shelf be a thing? You may have noticed that everyone is already pretty busy this time of year. I know it’s not your idea, but if whatever the trendsetter is comes up with the idea of ​​”innovation,” we’d all appreciate a word from you.

Dear Santa,
Couldn’t the terrible Christmas movie – “so bad you’ll love it” – be a thing? A love story of a Prince and a young American woman in a legendary Central European country, with lots of snow and strange horse-drawn carriages. bring back Morecambe and the Wiseplease Santa Claus, or at least Lego Masters Bricksmas Special.

Can you avoid gifts labeled “self-assembly”?

Dear Santa,
I’ve done most of my Christmas shopping, but I want retail sign writers to treat me with more respect. Maybe you can intervene with your supreme purchasing power. For example, as I was leaving the store at Woolworths the other day, I came across this message: “Have your hands full? Buy a basket!” It was at the end of the self-checkout area, just in front of the security gate, next to a pile of green supermarket baskets. I had a few thoughts about this. Why do they tell me this when I leave the store? Do they think I spent a terrible half hour dragging myself around the store with a liter of milk under my right arm, rapidly melting shrimp under my left armpit, a jar of olives balanced on my head? Plus, are we so stupid that we need to be instructed on how to use the basket? Santa, as someone who always remembers to put his packages on the sleigh, you can be the one to fix them.

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Dear Santa,
Could there be fewer consumer choices? I had a pizza defrosting on my head in Woolworths; I forgot to buy a basket! – I counted 12 different options for shaving cream. These eleven options are too many. And don’t get me started on toothpaste. Maybe they think we need a different formulation for each tooth. Santa, as someone who has to face so many choices, can you reform the system?