“He’s a terrible man as a husband.”
This was Dave Ramsey’s apparent reaction to Brandy, a distressed Georgia caller who called into The Ramsey Show in October. Brandy explained that she had no access to her family’s financial resources, neither bank accounts, business profits, nor basic monthly expenses. Every dollar she needs must be demanded from her husband. (1)
“I feel like his daughter instead of his wife,” she said. Brandy revealed that she only learned of their net worth during a brief separation two years ago, when her lawyer uncovered financial documents in preparation for her divorce filing.
Although she returned to her husband due to financial difficulties, Brandy said nothing has changed. Still in the dark, still dependent, and still afraid of what would happen if he died or left her financially.
Here’s what Ramsey told him to do, and what others can do if they find themselves in a similar situation.
Brandy’s situation isn’t just a matter of marital discord. This reflects a disturbing pattern known as financial abuse. Financial abuse occurs when one spouse uses money to control the other, restricting access to financial information, restricting spending, or preventing independence.
After hearing her story, Ramsey advised, “Are you going to get on the phone and call a marriage counselor and sit down with her? You should do that today.” “If you’re not going to do anything about it, shut up. But if you’re going to do something, then we’ll pray for you.”
But leaving an abusive spouse is not as easy as Ramsey thinks. Wings, a Chicago-based resource for victims of domestic violence, explains that financial abuse is the number one reason an abuse victim returns to their ex-partner. (2)
Moreover, close to 99% of domestic violence cases involve financial abuse, and current economic instability means that it is even riskier for victims to leave their abuser than under normal circumstances. Financial abuse is the main reason why victims stay in an unhealthy relationship or have to return after breaking up; because they literally cannot afford to be independent.
Regaining financial independence starts with taking back control, even if you’re out of the workforce or financially dependent on your spouse. While systemic issues like the gender pay gap pose challenges, there are concrete steps you can take now to protect yourself.
Women earn less throughout their lives. White women earn only 83% of what men earn, and the gap widens even further for women of color; This can increase dependence on the partner’s income. (3) But financial equality in marriage is not about who earns more; It’s about having equal access, equal decision-making power, and having a plan in place in case the relationship ends.
Ramsey’s advice to Brandy was simple but difficult: She should act now. This may mean engaging in counseling, requesting transparency, or starting the process of leaving the relationship altogether. For anyone in a similar situation, first steps towards independence may include:
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Opening your own bank account
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Track your monthly living expenses
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Creating an emergency fund and generating some income of your own
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Seeking guidance from a financial advisor or lawyer
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Contacting domestic abuse resources if control escalates
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Even in marriages free of abuse, financial dependence can be risky. Women who leave the workforce to care for children lose an average of $150,000 over the course of their careers. (4). And 80% of these mothers say they feel undervalued or left out of financial decision-making. (5)
To avoid this imbalance, couples should ensure that the stay-at-home spouse has equal access to financial information, decision-making authority, and discretionary funds. Financial partnership is essential for a healthy marriage.
The main ways to ensure equality:
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Creating a joint budget with your spouse
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Ensuring the stay-at-home spouse has discretionary funds and does not have to ask the working spouse for money
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Have regular conversations about current money problems and future financial goals
Not all financial problems in a marriage are financial abuse. Simple disagreements about money can be serious enough to cause problems even in healthy partnerships. A study by Ramsey Solutions reported that money problems are the second most common determinant of divorce and the most common thing couples argue about overall. Therefore, it is very important to prevent financial problems. (6)
Here are some tips for couples in financial discord to repair the rift before it’s too late:
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Put your cards on the table: As Ramsey’s daughter and Ramsey Show co-host Rachel Cruze advises, over-communicating on financial matters is nearly impossible. Be sure to talk about your beliefs and attitudes about money, as well as dollars and cents. (7)
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Create shared financial values: Reflect on your own beliefs and share with your partner how you are similar in terms of your knowledge, attitudes, and goals. Finding common ground can help solve problems.
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Focus on the future: Clarify your 1-year, 5-year goals and retirement vision. Finding harmony and things to look forward to can help calm fights today and give you a north star to point to when you disagree.
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Get professional help: Visits to a couples therapist and financial advisor can help break bad habits and protect a marriage mired in money problems.
Brandy’s story struck a nerve because it revealed a harsh truth: Financial dependence can erode equality in marriage and, in extreme cases, turn into financial abuse. Whether you’re a stay-at-home parent, earning less than your spouse, or feeling out of the loop regarding your household’s finances, gaining clarity and protection over your financial life is vital.
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Ramsey Show Highlights (1); Wings (2); Pew Research Center (3); Smart Map (4); Power Pause (5); Ramsey Solutions (6), (7)
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without any warranty.
