NY Times Ethicist advises liberal on friend married to Trump supporter
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The New York Times Magazine’s “The Ethicist” advice column suggested that a liberal reader seeking guidance on how to deal with a friend who supports Trump in a deep-red rural town and lives with a husband she considers insufficiently politically active should respond with empathy.
anonymous reader He explained his situation to columnist Kwame Anthony Appiah on Saturday.
The reader asking for advice wrote: “I’m an HIV-positive gay man who is upset with the direction of the country, so I actively participate in protests. I have a liberal friend who lives in a small town where Trump overwhelmingly supports and is married to a Trump supporter.”
“She texts me frequently about her fears about what’s going on and seems equally distraught. I shared with her how current politics might be affecting my life and that although I’m acutely aware of my privilege, I worry about people who aren’t as privileged and how they might be affected.”
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The anonymous reader complained that her friend missed the Black Lives Matter protest because she had ceiling fans installed at her house that same day. (Kerem Yücel/AFP via Getty Images)
The reader continued her criticism, chastising her friend for merely sharing her political beliefs on social media instead of attending protests in her small rural town.
“He strikes me as someone who is comfortable in his life and doesn’t want to shake anything up, which to me is the height of hypocrisy,” he added. “I think apathy is the reason we came here in the first place, and I really struggle with how to keep and not keep people like that in my life.”
For residents of major U.S. urban cities, attending progressive protests is “as contentious” and “free” for participants as an ice cream party, The Ethicist noted.
“Most people you know will be happy to see you there.”
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“For him, in a small town that supports Trump, it’s another story. The neighbors who see him at a protest are the same neighbors he’ll see at the supermarket and at the school board. That can mean living with their disapproval; it can also mean ostracism,” Appiah noted. “And unlike in cities, where numbers are increasingly visible, protests in small, homogeneous towns may accomplish little beyond reinforcing the majority’s sense that the minority is weird or outlier.”
The “ethicist” noted that the reader’s friend likely feared being ostracized by his small rural community if he publicly espoused his progressive views. (Jeffrey Greenberg/Universal Images Group via Getty Images)
Responding to the reader’s claim that his friend’s reluctance to fully express his political beliefs was “the height of hypocrisy”, The Ethicist questioned whether it was fair to label his friend a hypocrite.
“Hypocrisy means openly expressing beliefs you don’t hold. He shares your views but faces very different costs when it comes to public action,” he explained. “And because she is married to a Trump supporter, these expenses carry over into her daily life.”
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While the reader claimed that “indifference has come to this point,” Appiah suggested that some researchers would say “contempt plays a role” in his approach to his friend’s situation.
“Political scientist Katherine Cramer, for example, has studied how rural resentment is fueled by perceptions of urban disdain,” he said.
Appiah posed the question to the reader, suggesting that it may be the reader who lacks empathy. (iStock)
In his closing remarks, The Ethicist offered a humble reflection, suggesting that perhaps it is not the reader but the reader’s friend who needs to rethink their relationship.
“I fear that a failure of empathy is on your side when you wonder whether you should keep people like your low-key friend in your life. Your small-town friend may have considered her circumstances more carefully than you realize. Perhaps the question is whether she should keep someone in her life who refuses to consider that possibility,” Appiah concluded.
In November 2024, following the presidential election, the “Ethicist” column responded to a reader question about how Democratic voters should deal with close relatives who supported Trump over Vice President Kamala Harris.
“I strongly oppose Trump, as do my wife and her family, who live nearby. I am disturbed by my mother’s support for someone I consider morally repugnant and dangerous, especially when she is voting in a former swing state.” Advice seeker wrote:.
“With the outcome of the 2024 election, my wife and her family began to direct their understandable anger towards my mother. My wife’s sister said, ‘If he votes for Trump again, I’m completely done with him.’ I don’t think their interactions will be pleasant next time.”
Ethist addressed a similar question in October 2024, answering a reader’s question about whether it was OK to leave the country if the “wrong” candidate became president.
In February 2025, a reader asked the advice column if a “straight White man” could date “women of color” to “fight racism.”
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