Quote of the day by Abraham Twerski: ‘So much of what is love, is fish love,’ and what the American rabbi meant by it

We talk about love all the time. We fall into it, we chase it, we lose it, we write songs about it, and we build our entire lives around it. But according to an American rabbi, much of what we safely label as love is nothing more than appetite disguised as affection. This idea is at the heart of one of Rabbi Abraham Twerski’s most enduring thoughts, often summed up in a deceptively simple phrase: ‘the love of fish’.

Word of the day from Abraham Twerski: “The greater part of love is fish love.”

What is ‘Pisces love’?

“A big part of love is the love of fish,” Rabbi Twerski said, before explaining his idea with an analogy. A young man is asked why he eats fish. “Because I love fish,” he replies. “Oh,” comes the response. “Do you like fish? That’s why you took it out of the water, killed it and boiled it?”

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Rabbi Twerski continues: “Don’t tell me you love the fish. You love yourself, and because the fish tasted good to you, you pulled it out of the water, killed it, and boiled it.”
He then applies the same logic to romantic relationships. He argues that when a young man and woman say they are in love, it usually means that they have each found someone they believe will satisfy their emotional and physical needs. In his own words, the other person becomes “a tool for my satisfaction.” “Most of what is called love is fish love,” he said.

What did he really mean by true love?

According to Rabbi Twerski, true love was not about what one received, but about what one gave. Quoting ethicist Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler, he explained that people mistakenly believe that they give to those they love, when the truth is just the opposite: that they love the people they give to.

“If I give you something, I’m investing myself in you,” Twerski explained. “And since self-love is a given, there is now a part of me in you, and a part of you that I love.” In this context, love grows not by desiring or consuming, but by giving, sacrifice and responsibility. He argued that true love is an outward act of care, not an inward-looking search for satisfaction.

Who was Rabbi Abraham Twerski?

Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski was a Hasidic rabbi, psychiatrist, and one of America’s most influential voices on addiction, self-deception, and spiritual growth. He wrote more than 60 books during his lifetime, including the widely read Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self-Deception, which blends Jewish ethics with modern psychology.

He was the founder and longtime president of Gateway Rehabilitation Center in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, one of the leading addiction treatment facilities in the United States, where he helped thousands of people recover from substance abuse. Born in Milwaukee in 1930, Avraham Yehoshua Heschel Twerski came from the Hornesteipel Chassidic dynasty that traced its lineage back to the Rebbes of Chernobyl. His father, Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Twerski, moved to Wisconsin in 1927 and became a widely respected community counselor; This role profoundly influenced Twerski’s own path.

Rabbi Twerski passed away on January 31 in Jerusalem from complications related to the coronavirus. He was 90 years old. Yet his ideas persist, especially his disturbing reminder that love is selfish before it is selfish. In a world that says “I love you”, the question remains silently: Is it love or just fish?