How to talk about money as a couple: ‘Money Together’ authors
Douglas and Heather Boneparth
Photo: Sylvie Rosokoff
Love is complicated. Add money and it increases even more.
But in his new books “Money TogetherHeather and Douglas Boneparth argue that honest and proactive discussions about finances can bring partners closer and ultimately richer.
They begin their book, published last month, with an anecdote about a couple who were a little late in having a difficult conversation about money while eating a cold seafood salad on their honeymoon in Positano, Italy. (The Boneparths were also on vacation and overheard.) It turns out the quarreling couple had just discovered that the husband had credit card debt and the wife’s parents hadn’t paid her student loans.
Of course, it would have been better if this couple had sorted these things out before walking down the aisle. “Couples often fight about finances at every stage because money is more than just money,” Heather tells CNBC. Underlying these discussions lies each partner’s unique history, disappointments, fears, desires and expectations.
Heather and Douglas, who met during their freshman year of college and married in 2013, give readers advice on how to talk about money with your partner and manage your finances to make it easier to get out of debt, buy a home, and accomplish other joint and separate goals in a long-term relationship. For them, this will involve first understanding what money means to your partner and why, and moving beyond fantasies about the future and each other.
“At some point your loose conversations need to become concrete,” they write in their book. “Your dreams need real road maps.”
Douglas is a certified financial planner, president of Bone Fide Wealth in New York, and a member of CNBC’s Council of Financial Advisors. Heather, Bone Fide Wealth’s director of business and legal affairs, is an author and former corporate lawyer.
The following interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
‘When there is famine, you see shame set in.’
Annie Nova: You write that couples fight about money no matter how much or little money they have. Why do you think so?
Heather Boneparth: Because money is more than money. Some of the emotions we associate with money include love, security, independence, trust, and control, and this is true for people of all socioeconomic backgrounds. But when there is scarcity, you find that shame manifests itself in different ways. You also see partners conflicting over what are acceptable ways to make money or borrow money, which may have to do with your culture or how you were raised.
AN: Heather, you describe realizing that your decision to borrow $200,000 in student debt was a big mistake. But having Doug as a partner helped you find a way out. How?
: Debt can feel like a constant reminder that you’re incomplete; not only in money but also in other ways. But Doug co-signed the loan to refinance my student loan debt. Knowing how much of an emotional toll debt had on me, this was a more comprehensive gesture than almost anything a partner could do. “Your burdens are my burdens,” he said.
“Money Together” by Heather and Douglas Boneparth
Courtesy: Heather and Douglas Boneparth
AN: You also write that you are “embarrassed” by the idea of being rescued. Why is this and what does this have to do with entering your 40s?
: I don’t like the idea of having saviors and those who need saving in relationships. It lays the foundation for a different power dynamic. Often this means that the partner who needs saving cannot save themselves, and the partner begins to believe this. They believe that they do not have the knowledge and skills to participate in household finances, when this is simply not true.
I don’t mention my age here, more to show that a lot can change in ten years. I rebuilt my confidence brick by brick.
‘Making room’ for your partner’s money perspectives
AN: You write about how important it is to “make space” for your partner. What does this mean from a financial perspective?
: Some of our deepest feelings about money stem from our individual histories. Now try combining these beliefs and behaviors with those of someone else. It’s not easy, and we don’t always take the time to adequately understand our partner’s underlying feelings about money and why they do what they do. This is how you end up having recurring arguments about superficial topics like the credit card bill, rather than getting to the root cause of why you and your partner have different views on lifestyle and spending.
To me, “making room” financially means making room at the table for your partner’s financial beliefs, goals, risk appetite, and views on how you save, spend, and invest.
AN: What are the risks of not discussing money together or even hiding things from your partner?
Doug Boneparth: Resentment and loss of confidence. When you hide financial details from your partner, whether it’s debt, spending habits, or something you’re embarrassed about, that information never stays private forever. Having to explain something uncomfortable later only makes it harder to cope.
‘Talk about money before talking about money’
AN: How early should a couple start talking about money?
Database: The sooner the better. But that doesn’t mean you have to dive straight into the numbers. Imagine talking about this on a third date? It’s not nice. But there are many ways to talk about money without talking about money. You can learn a lot about someone’s past by asking questions about their childhood, where they come from, and what they value.
AN: What do you think is the ideal arrangement for a married couple to split their money? Joint or separate accounts? So why?
Database: I’ve found that joint accounts work best for managing household expenses. Promotes transparency and teamwork. When both partners can see what’s coming in and going out, it reinforces that you’re in this together. However, there’s nothing wrong with keeping your own individual checking accounts as well. Maintaining your sense of financial autonomy can be really healthy.
Using ‘financial justice’ to address imbalances
AN: How can couples bridge large wealth or income gaps between them?
Database: First of all, if you do not accept this, you cannot close this gap. But when one partner earns or has more, unspoken assumptions can arise. Different power dynamics can calcify here. Instead, Heather and I write about “financial justice.” Being fair means feeling respected and seen for what you value, both individually and as a couple. While one person may earn more, the other may contribute in different but equally meaningful ways, such as running the household, raising the children, and planning for the future.
AN: What are some of the discussions couples should have about family wealth and their inheritance? But what happens when there is an imbalance here too, for example when one person inherits a large amount and the other partner receives nothing?
Database: Conversations about family wealth and inheritance can be misleading because they are rarely just about money. They can carry a lot of grief and expectation. The best thing couples can do is discuss inherited wealth as part of a joint conversation. Talk together about what this money represents, what boundaries you want around it, and how it fits into your long-term goals.
AN: There have been a lot of headlines about layoffs in the news lately. How can couples best respond when one person loses their job?
: You don’t want to offer too quick solutions when your partner is still grieving the loss of his job. For some, losing a job can feel like losing identity or power. These are heavy emotions that need some space to breathe. But of course, you eventually need to address what transitions or adjustments may need to occur in your life due to loss of income.
