The No. 1 skill parents are forgetting to teach kids today
Today, parents strive to raise their children for good grades, excellent behavior, and high achievement. We want them to be successful and able to handle life’s challenges. However research It shows that confidence and resilience come from the child’s ability to feel safe to be fully himself.
In my studies of over 200 children, as a mother, I have found that underneath defiance and behavioral problems, there is almost always a child who is not comfortable expressing what he is feeling and needing.
In other words, how safe your child feels with you today shapes who he or she will become as an adult. Here are six ways to shape that security early.
1. Stop rushing your child about their feelings
Most parents quickly take action to calm down or correct the situation. When a child cries, we can say “you’re okay.” When they get angry we say “calm down”. When they are overwhelmed, we look for the quickest way out of the moment.
As a result, children learn to disconnect from themselves more and more quickly. What they really need is a parent who can stay with them longer than they feel comfortable with.
Resist the urge to fill the silence. Try this instead: “I see you’re really upset. I’m here. Take all the time you need.” This act of staying simple teaches the child that their emotions are survivable and safe.
2. Let your child define his/her inner world
Parents constantly ignore their children: “You can’t be hungry, you just ate.” “You went to sleep early. How can you still be tired?” “He’s your friend. You don’t hate him.”
Although well-intentioned, these statements teach the child not to trust what he is feeling and instead to let someone else define his inner experience.
Emotional validation research It shows that children whose feelings are constantly ignored turn into adults who have difficulty trusting their own decisions.
Instead, ask: “What are you feeling?” or “What do you think?” Then stop talking and let them own their experience.
3. Know the difference between a successful child and a well-adjusted child
Some of the best-behaved children are also the least emotionally secure.
They often learn at a very early age that keeping the peace keeps the connection, and being easy to manage keeps the love intact. That’s why they obey and try to give you what you need.
But the child who steps back and openly expresses frustration is often the child who feels the most emotionally safe.
4. Stop evaluating your child and start noticing him/her
Phrases like “good job” or “disappointing” may seem harmless, but they can send the wrong message that children are always being measured.
Instead of evaluating, describe what you see and wonder how they feel. Instead of “You did a good job,” say, “I noticed how hard you worked on this.” Instead of “stop being mean,” ask “what emotions are you feeling right now?”
Moving from judgment to genuine curiosity creates safety.
5. Not everything needs an answer
The urge to over-explain or over-correct often comes from a loving place. But when every emotion or behavior is met with immediate input, your child never has the space to process his or her emotions. They learn to look outside for answers and over time they stop hearing their own thoughts.
Resist the urge to manipulate every moment and try to exist without an agenda.
6. Do your own emotional work
Teaching emotional safety should feel genuine. Children can sense the difference between a parent who acts calm and a parent who really makes an effort to achieve it.
Be curious about your own reactions. When you feel a moment is intensely triggering, ask: “Why is this so important to me right now?” This question alone begins to disrupt order.
Before responding to my child in a difficult moment, I usually take a breath and ask myself this question: “Whose emotions am I actually responding to right now? Mine or theirs?”
Reem Raouda She is a leading voice in conscious parenting and the creator of BOUND and FOUNDATIONS magazines, now presented under her name. Emotional Security Package. He is widely recognized for his expertise in children’s emotional well-being and for redefining what it means to raise emotionally healthy children. find it instagram.
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