This is one of the strongest predictors of a happy relationship
We’re often inundated with relationship advice that rarely captures the complexity of what really makes love work.
As a couples counselor with a decade of experience working with couples and individuals trying to find and maintain love, I have found that one of the most underrated signs of a healthy, durable relationship is a concept called “mutual influence.”
It was invented by married psychologists Drs. According to John and Julie Gottman, mutual influence means you’re willing to let your partner’s needs, vulnerabilities, and perspectives shape you and even change some things about your own behavior.
This quality usually emerges only in moments of tension or disagreement, not during easy harmony. Everyone is usually on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship, which can make it difficult to spot that precious green flag early on.
Here’s how to identify and cultivate it in your own relationship.
What does mutual influence look like
One 2020 studyPsychologists tracked nearly 320 couples and found that when both partners feel that their voice really matters and can truly influence the other, relationship quality remains high and emotional security deepens over the years.
Couples who ignored this dynamic became stagnant and more insecure as their satisfaction in their relationship eroded.
When both partners experience mutual influence, psychologists have found that relationships are not only fairer but also more stable and loving. Individuals report feeling less concerned about their partner’s commitment and less likely that small conflicts will snowball into chronic stalemates.
In practice, the mutual effect looks like this:
- When your partner says, “I really need you to hear me right now,” put your phone away.
- Taking a different route on a road trip because your partner feels anxious about traffic, even if you think your route is faster.
- Although your tradition has always been different, this year deciding to spend the holiday with family after hearing how important the holiday is to them.
- Choosing to pause a personal project for the evening because your partner wants help finishing theirs.
- When they say they have a headache, they turn off the lights.
- Acknowledging their feedback about how you speak during disagreements and choosing to change your tone of voice or words is not because you have to, but because you want them to feel safer and closer to you.
Mutual influence doesn’t mean giving up your identity in your relationship or shelving what you need to keep the peace. True openness means maintaining your values while making room for your partner’s experience, especially when the two of you disagree. You are creating a shared life where both of your voices matter.
How to develop mutual influence in your relationship?
Each week, intentionally make an accommodation that you know is important to them. This may be a habit of yours or it may be to make room for his/her preference. This signals to your partner that you hear them.
So experiment with the restaurant selection, follow the suggested route, set the thermostat to the ideal temperature. Being flexible in low-stakes moments makes it much easier to achieve that quality in high-stakes moments.
I’m also a big fan of asking the question during conflict: “What am I missing that will help this make more sense?” This is a disarming question because it shows that you’re struggling not to be right, but to better understand what’s going on in your partner’s head.
These are small gestures that may seem insignificant from the outside, but over time they create a sense of being considered, included, and effective—the conditions in which true intimacy takes root. This is what separates couples who only live together from couples who constantly get closer.
Baya Voce is a relationship expert who helps couples get back together after conflict. He holds an MSW degree from Columbia University. He speaks regularly at SXSW and TEDx talk on loneliness It has more than 5 million views.
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