Most people think these are 5 signs of chemistry—but they’re actually ‘red flags’
As a clinical psychologist I most of the time i have to Warn clients to examine the sparks they feel for a new romantic candidate.
You want to be excited about someone new and feel a deep connection with them. But many of us carry old wounds from our childhood, previous relationships, or experiences that shaped us.
If your past is chaotic, inconsistent, and confusing, then you may be drawn into the same relationship dynamics over and over again. Here are five signs that the chemistry you’re feeling might actually be a red flag.
1. The relationship makes you feel nervous.
In the past, if someone made you feel loved but also made you anxious, your nervous system learned that it was okay to love and fear the same person.
Mixed signals, hot and cold affection, and inconsistency can create a genuine feeling rather than anxiety. Excitement and anxiety are closely related emotions, so you feel nervous but mistake this feeling for excitement and chemistry.
What should we do: Slow down and notice how your body feels around this person. Does your nervous system calm down when you’re around them, or are you constantly on edge? If it’s the latter, it could be a sign that the feeling you’re feeling doesn’t have chemistry and this person is making you feel insecure.
2. Ups and downs are addictive
The emotional rollercoaster when someone moves away and the relief when they draw closer again can feel like a spark, especially if you’ve had such relationship dynamics in the past.
When you’re stressed, your body secretes hormones such as cortisolIt activates reward and addiction pathways in your brain.
As a result, you may unconsciously chase this stress, conflict, unpredictability, and intensity because it gives your body a hit of the feel-good chemicals it craves.
What should we do: Your body needs to learn how to slow down and feel safe again. This might look like stretching, breathwork, meditation, nature walks, and reducing your workload.
3. Keep coming back to them
Being attracted to someone doesn’t always mean good chemistry. By rekindling the pain, you may be unconsciously trying to gain control over an old wound.
You believe you can fix everything this time. You may also recreate painful dynamics that reflect your past because you can predict what will happen, giving you a false sense of control.
What should we do: Self-reflection is important here. Does this person remind you of something from your past? Therapy can provide you with a safe space to reveal your past.
4. Jealousy is exciting
When your partner is jealous, being “called” by someone can create a feeling of validation. If it’s exciting when your partner gets jealous, it’s not chemistry, it’s your insecurity coming out.
You may even do something to trigger their jealousy to feel closer to them or to make them “prove” to you that you are wanted. In your mind, this might sound like, “If they choose me, I’m finally good enough,” or “If they chase me, it means they love me enough.”
What should we do: Work on yourself so that your validation comes from within, not from others. Remember who you are outside the context of this relationship and that you are already more than enough.
5. Things are never calm
The stable connection should feel grounded and safe. But if your nervous system is used to chaos, calm can be boring and even uncomfortable.
You may catch yourself thinking there’s no spark and then chase the next thrill by creating tension, initiating conflict, or even leaving the relationship. If you feel safe and you’re not used to it, it might sound like this: “If I feel safe, I’ll let my guard down, but then I’ll get hurt.”
Just because there’s no spark doesn’t mean there’s no chemistry. It may just mean that there is no anxiety.
What should we do: Teach your body that it is normal to feel calm. When you feel like you want to create conflict or chase excitement, stop and notice it. Then try doing the opposite of your urges and waiting for them to pass.
Recognizing patterns in your relationships is a great first step. Of course, you should always consult your doctor or therapist before making any significant changes. Understanding how to slow down and process your past can help you relearn what safety and consistency feel like.
Dr. Amy Tran is a clinical psychologist. Her doctorate in child and adolescent psychology informs her work on attachment, relationships, and emotional security. He is a digital artist and “This Book is a Safe Space.“Follow him instagram.
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