I’ve studied over 5,000 kids—I keep giving parents the same ‘surprisingly simple’ advice
Nowadays, parents ask their children many questions. And usually for the right reasons: They want to be respectful and collaborative.
I hear them asking for participation in daily decisions (“What do you want for dinner?”), masking their frustrations as questions (“How many times do I have to tell you?”), or negotiating when a clear boundary would work better (“How about we take your bath first, then watch another show?”).
Questions can certainly help make connections and stimulate thought, but they often backfire by creating confusion and unnecessary power struggles.
I have worked with more than 5,000 families as a preschool teacher, professor, and child development expert. The surprisingly simple rule I return to again and again is this: Say what you mean.
When questions aren’t really questions
Children don’t have the experience or emotional maturity to weigh every decision or determine what happens next. They need clear and confident leadership.
This is why rhetorical “why” questions often increase shame or defensiveness. A more effective approach is to determine what you want to say and convey it simply and directly:
- In its place: “Why do I have to ask you so many times?!”
- To try: “I repeat myself a lot. I know it’s frustrating for both of us. Now it’s time to put on your shoes and go.”
- In its place: “Why do you always do this?!”
- To try: “I realized this was becoming a pattern. It’s something we’ll work on together.”
Do you see the difference? One approach increases shame and defensiveness. The other invites teamwork, thinking and problem solving.
Say What You Mean Principle
One of my core parenting principles is what I call the Say What You Mean Principle. Before you react, ask yourself: What am I actually trying to communicate with?
Then say this:
- In its place: “Why did you hit your brother?!”
- To try: “You can’t hit your brother. No hitting even when you’re angry. How else can you show him you’re sorry?”
- In its place: “Why is your room so messy?”
- To try: “I see a lot of things on the floor that don’t belong there. Let’s clean it up together.”
Children need guidance more than questioning, and openness is often much more effective than questioning.
Simple tasks don’t have to be questions
Another common trap is turning simple instructions into questions. Parents often ask, “Would you please put your shoes on?” They say things like. or “After this show, it’s time for bed, okay?”
Parents are trying to appear respectful and kind, which I understand. However, when non-negotiable tasks are framed as questions, children may be confused about whether the task is truly optional. Finally, You he asked.
This opens the door to unnecessary power struggles and a child who can interpret everything as being ready to negotiate.
Try calm, direct statements instead:
- “Put your shoes on, please. We’re leaving.”
- “Dinner is ready. Please wash your hands.”
- “It’s time for bed.”
Clear leadership often helps children feel more calm and cooperative.
Use questions to empower, not control
Questions are incredibly valuable when they help children think, problem solve, express themselves, and develop confidence and self-awareness. These are conversations we want more of.
Children don’t need endless questions to feel respected. Asking fewer questions means we become more aware of when leadership is needed, when collaboration is appropriate, and when your child needs clarity rather than negotiation.
Over time, these small communication changes can create huge changes in your home.
Siggie Cohen is a child development expert and author of the new book “You are a parentHe graduated from Pepperdine University with a master’s degree in education and psychology and from Northcentral University with a doctorate in philosophy. She is the mother of three grown sons and currently lives in the Bay Area where she has a private practice.
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