A day in the life of Pauline Hanson

Senator Pauline Hanson ascendant and merciful, inevitable?

Hanson is everywhere in the media, veering from anger to hatred at press conferences and appearances, but most of Australia is left wondering what he’s been doing with his time in the meantime.

Independent A.The Australian took responsibility for emailing Hanson about his daily schedule and reached out to us as follows:

Dear Independent A.Australia,

I put together my show hoping that even though you’re left-handed lunatics, you’ll actually do honest reporting. See below:

A day in the life of Pauline Hanson

06:00: I woke up to another beautiful day in the lucky country, but I do not use the past tense of the verb wakefulness because I am against waking up and wokeness is killing this country.

6:15 AM: I eat Vegemite on white bread for breakfast every day. My friends call me “Wonderful White”! Because it’s my favorite bread brand, of course. Isn’t it so sweet?

07:00: Time to choose an outfit. I now have not one but two burqas in my wardrobe. Don’t tell anyone, but they’re great for walking around the house with nothing underneath.

08:00: Put on my face and tell a few sluggish people on Twitter to “go back where you came from”, which sounds delicious. I can say this because I was born here, so I’m Aboriginal.

9:00: I arrive at work. Take my tea. Yes, I buy white. Very funny. It’s okay to be white.

10:30 AM: It’s a sit-down day, so I’m marching toward the Upper House to heckle senators of color with my famously annoyed, shaky, quavering voice. There is a bill coming up on euthanasia, but as everyone knows, I am against youth in Asia. I’m against old people in Asia, I’m against middle-aged people in Asia, I’m against Asia.

12:30 PM: It’s lunch time and I gather a few friends for yum cha. I don’t see a problem with this.

2pm: Gina calls and asks if I’m available for drinks and snacks with some potential donors on her private jet. Yes please! Champagne and cabanossi for me! He’s such a nice guy and only wants the odd favor in return.

3pm: Media time when I call 2GB. “Gangs are everywhere!” I say. Life is very scary for me because I’m afraid to go to public toilets in case there’s a trans person there starting a trans gang.

3.30pm: I receive an email from a constituent complaining about LGBTIQA+. I don’t know what this means, so I did some coding and found the plus of I for Islam, A for Asians, and more! For God’s sake, Betsy, I need something to calm things down.

17:30 A nice early steak dinner with the George Foreman grill and my buddy Barnaby. We chat about tactics and how to anger leftists. The meal was ruined when we realized the meat was ha… ha… halal.

6.30pm: I come home to fall into a drooling trance while watching Sky News. That Andrew Bolt is a handsome man, isn’t he? Is he married because he ends up with a piece of Aussie beef which is strictly forbidden.

20:00: It’s time to put on my nightgown. White and flowing, with a matching pointed cap.

21:30 Bedtime for Pauline! Because I’m afraid of the dark, I turn on the night light and walk away, wrapped in my Australian flag.

What does that look like for a fulfilling day contributing to the life of the nation? Like meA. If you knew, you fucking lefties have never worked an honest day in your life.

Yours is full of hatred,

Pauline