Adrian Barich: Keeping the neighbourhood peace, even if accusations against our elderly cat seem far-fetched

The Barich family caves in to peer group pressure, and it’s like we’re back in high school.

And unfortunately, it was an anonymously transmitted message that triggered us with guilt.

So, to the anonymous neighborhood/wildlife warrior, thank you for your strongly worded letter regarding our “ginger menace” Tom, which was dropped into our mailbox at 8pm (the time was on the note).

“Ginger menace”. . . wonderful. The author of the note was clearly not a cat lover.

They might not have been too careful either, because we were surprised to learn from the note that our 16-year-old tabby had apparently turned into a mass bird murderer.

This is an especially impressive feat considering that he suffers from arthritis, needs help climbing up to the kitchen counter, and spends most of his day choosing between three sleeping spots.

According to our vet, Tom is currently operating well below his peak predator level, somewhere between “retired” and “fancy.”

He never brought home a dead bird. There were a few rats in his younger, more ambitious days, yes, but “mass terrorizing wildlife” feels like a late-career resurgence that we somehow missed.

We’re considering rebranding him as Genghis Cat, but based on his current activity it might be more accurate to call him “somewhat annoying cat.”

However, we are taking the community’s concerns seriously and are giving the bell collar a try, but there is some hesitation after witnessing a cat get into a rather unfortunate situation with our fence.

We also have a hard time imagining a person wearing a golf ball-sized ball hanging around our neck and ringing with every movement. And our hearing is nowhere near as sensitive as that of a cat.

Keeping the cat indoors at dawn and dusk was another helpful suggestion from the anonymous author; He must think that our eyesight is poor because his handwriting is so large.

Still, if it can help restore peace to the neighborhood, Tom may soon be the least stealthy predator in Subi. We’ve been told that I have to say that the Cat Bib or BirdsBeSafe collar covers look hilarious but extremely trendy.

We’d also kindly like to point out that there are at least two (possibly three) other orange tabbies in the area, all of whom may enjoy Tom’s newfound reputation while maintaining solid alibis.

If you have photographic evidence of Tom in full “killing machine” mode, we’d really like to see it. At this stage, the most aggressive thing we witnessed was refusing to come out of the hot sunlight and occasionally engaging in playfights with Frank, the cavalier crossbreed.

For context, just yesterday there were seven crows lined up on our side fence, staring at Kevin, our old, weak, floppy-eared rabbit, and haphazardly swooping in for his meal. Kevin was hiding in his cabin, shivering. If Tom is the apex predator described in your letter, he doesn’t know about our crow murder.

FYI, Tom has been microchipped, desexualized, and is a law-abiding citizen despite his alleged crime spree.

We appreciate the love for local wildlife. We share. In fact, our front yard, especially our jacaranda tree, might be the biggest bird sanctuary in Subi. I doubt this would happen if Tom (now known as Hannibal Lec-purr) “terrorized and murdered en masse” as described.

Whoever you are, we love your passion, even if we think our Tom is unfairly branded as the silent assassin.

However, we kindly suggest to today’s suburban Gladys Kravitzes and Miss Jessops that it is probably easier to discuss these issues face to face rather than via anonymous overnight post.

I’ve also spoken to the local council and it looks like we’re following all the rules.

Which brings me to this fascinating topic article I recently came across how pets see their owners.

Apparently, studies show that dogs understand that humans are a completely different species, so they treat us like pack leaders. Cats, meanwhile, think humans are just other giant, slightly clumsy cats.

When they rub against your legs, they treat you like one of them; albeit a big, hairless and slightly awkward moggie.

Which explains why Tom ignores every house rule, sleeps 20 hours a day, and still acts like he owns the place.