3 signs you and your partner are financially incompatible
Money is likely to play some role when choosing a romantic partner. From deciding who will pay for the first date to figuring out how to split the bills once you move in together, money comes up again and again throughout a relationship.
According to a recent survey of more than 2,100 Americans ages 18 and older, 74% of single adults say financial stability is one of the most attractive qualities in a partner, and 60% say financial compatibility is more important than chemistry in today’s economy. From Harris Poll.
Financial compatibility in relationships is crucial because money not only shapes your lifestyle, but how you approach and manage money often reflects other personality traits and attitudes, says Valerie Galinskaya, president of the Merrill Center for Family Wealth, an expert group of wealth management firm Merrill Lynch. The group provides education, insight and guidance to ultra-high net worth families.
“This is often representative of other things like love, control, power, etc. And if individuals, especially couples, don’t take the time to really think about it, they’re not really setting themselves up for success,” says Galinskaya.
Common red flags for daters include expecting the other person to pay for everything or having bad spending habits, according to a Harris Poll survey. Galinskaya says such concerns can be deal-breakers for some, but if you decide to continue the relationship anyway, they can be things you can work on together.
But it also identifies other factors that could signal that you and your partner are financially incompatible. Here are three things to pay attention to.
1. Reluctance to share information
Galinskaya says you don’t have to share your salary or how much you owe on the first date. But as the relationship progresses, “reluctance to disclose information” can be “representative of really unhealthy patterns,” he says.
He emphasizes that there’s a difference between “privacy and secrecy,” but adds that it can be difficult to set and achieve goals like buying property or retiring together if one spouse is hiding things like unmanaged debt or a lack of savings.
Relationship and money experts agree that transparent conversations about money are key to building successful relationships.
Self-made millionaire and money expert “Everything changes when you and your partner learn how to talk about money.” Ramit Sethi wrote in his book “Money for Couples”.
“Strong couples know that handling money together is about values, trust and communication,” writes Heather Boneparth, director of business and legal affairs at Bone Fide Wealth and co-author of “Money Together.”
2. Control problems
Especially early in a relationship, when one partner tries to assert control over the other’s financial decisions, it can be a sign of incompatibility, Galinskaya says.
“We all have different levels of control that we like to have,” he says. “But in my experience [over-exerting control] “It can often be a reflection of deeper trust and control issues that are not limited to money.”
Additionally, strict control of a partner’s finances can be a sign of economic abuse, a form of domestic abuse. National Network to End Domestic Violence. If you may be a victim of financial abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE or visit website.
Couples in long-term relationships should try to make joint decisions when it comes to money, but this can start to become problematic if you want to make your own decision and “your partner suddenly feels entitled to very strong input,” says Galinskaya.
3. Ambition gap
Galinskaya says you and your partner don’t need to earn the same or similar income to be compatible, but you do need to be more compatible in your views of productivity and ambition.
If one partner is career-oriented while the other is routinely in and out of work or unmotivated to continue developing their career, “this could be a reflection that this is not going to be a truly contributing individual,” he says. “Contribute not just financially, but also their insight, time, and effort in a relationship.”
One strategy Galinskaya recommends is for couples to start by defining what success means to them; whether that’s starting a business together or making sure they have enough savings for retirement. If you don’t communicate these goals to each other first and revisit them periodically as your life and priorities change, you’re unlikely to achieve them, he says.
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