Breaking the cycle of push and pull between parents and children
If you watched the 2021 movie Yes DayStarring Jennifer Garner, you’re well aware of the potential for things to go wrong when kids get (almost) unlimited “yes’s.”
But I was pleasantly surprised recently when my best friend’s kids gave their mom a reward for excellent behavior — their own “yes day.” He filled the gas tank and had his credit card ready; She was expecting to take her five- and nine-year-old sons to the zoo, Timezone, and wherever else they wanted to go forever.
Instead, they woke up happily and asked if they could go to the nearest Westfield to hang out. their pocket money for a new Beyblade (a spinning toy for the uninitiated). They excitedly asked if they wanted to go home and play with their simple new toys. He suggested sushi or McDonald’s and they politely replied that they would probably prefer toast at home.
By 2 p.m., she was reading her book on the couch while the kids had Beyblade battles, asking herself if she should say yes more often.
After all, their sons, as cute as they are, are pretty ordinary kids and are absolutely ready to whine about anything when they go to the shops. But suddenly, when they gained power over their day, the resistance melted away and they showed real desires, which were quite inadequate.
My friend is six months ahead of me on this crazy parenting journey, so I did what I’ve been doing for almost 10 years when it comes to weaning, pottying, and melt management: I took a page out of her book.
While I haven’t taken a “yes day” yet, I’ve started looking for opportunities to soften some of the incessant “no’s” in my home to reduce the power struggle. And the result was incredible.
Bath and shower time had become a daily source of friction; The kids hated the idea of cleaning up their mess. So I started a “free” night every week. Now they can skip the shower once a week, on a day of their choosing, no questions asked. Sure, I cringe when they take off their sandy socks and crawl into bed, but suddenly there’s a lot less crankiness about bathing the other six days of the week; They know they have a power play in their back pocket.
There is a similar situation at meal times.
Tired of their incessant whining no matter what food I put in front of them, we started the practice of weekly “free” meals. They can raid the fridge and cupboards and make whatever they want for dinner, as long as it lines up with the main course. They end up chowing down on a bowl of WeetBix or canned spaghetti and worrying a lot less about the broccoli I serve the next night, knowing they have autonomy at least some of the time.
Family therapist Dr Jenny Brown, founder Parental Hope Projectand its author The Parenting Paradox: Loving Our Children by Giving them Space to Grow It’s no surprise that kids are less demanding than we might expect when the ball is in their court.
“When we constantly say no, persuade, correct, and constantly try to manage our children’s behavior, parent and child become locked in this cycle of resistance,” she says.
“A ‘yes day’ is great because it can reveal that many of the struggles parents are having are not related to the event itself, but to a pattern of response that has become a habit. I like the idea of a day that breaks that pattern.”
Brown is at pains to point out that saying “yes” more often doesn’t mean always accommodating our child’s every whim, but rather is a circuit breaker that gives the child a chance at autonomy.
“Our children often surprise us when they experience real breathing space [and show] “Their real needs are much simpler than we think,” he says.
“The lesson of ‘yes day’ is not that children should always be coddled, but that parents need to break out of this exhausting cycle of trying to manage our children, because our children need to manage themselves.”
Dr Kimberley O’Brien, chief child psychologist Interesting Children’s ClinicHe acknowledges that giving children more authority can help some behavior problems.
“Children need to practice making good choices, and when children are given the opportunity to have some influence in the family and have their voices heard, they often request To make a good choice; So you can have your child say, ‘I’ll only eat toast at home,'” he says.
“If there’s too much control, kids will get frustrated and act out, just like adults don’t want to be micromanaged in the workplace.”
If you want to try a “yes day” reward, O’Brien urges parents not to put ideas into their children’s heads.
“If you say, ‘We’ll go to the zoo or we’ll go to McDonald’s,’ you’re kind of navigating the options,” he says. “I like the idea of not leading it and seeing what happens to them naturally. That can be really insightful.”
Like me, O’Brien says many parents can learn from the “yes day” concept.
“If you notice trigger points that make you feel like, ‘I push, they pull,’ why don’t you brainstorm together?” he asks.
“‘I feel like we’re doing well in that area, but what about that part? Do you have any ideas on how we can make this better?’ you can say. ”
And if you’re lucky enough to get a “yes day” request as simple as a toast and a quiet game at home, O’Brien says you can probably pat yourself on the back: “That tells me that those kids are extremely calm and relaxed; I think that’s a good outcome for that family.”
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Kimberly Gillan is a journalist from Melbourne covering wellbeing, social trends, parenting and travel.
