Clarkson’s Farm receives a crop failure one-star! CHRISTOPHER STEVENS has no sympathy for Jeremy’s ‘pitiful whingeing’ in series 5 of his show
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Clarkson’s Farm (Amazon Prime Video)
Rating: One out of five stars
Do you think you’re stressed, Jeremy? So what if farmers are actually doing this…
Jeremy Clarkson is stressed. The pressure of running a farm and pub and dealing with everything from dead sheep to petty thieves has pushed him to the brink of heart attack.
Well, that’s his excuse. He spends the entire first episode driving back to Clarkson’s Farm, clutching his chest when the farming gods aren’t smiling on him and telling everyone he encounters how short-sighted he is with death.
But by its own admission, Diddly Squat is a ‘hobby farm’. If you’re the owner of a successful bar that’s packed with customers every day of the week and are overwhelmed by the stress of it all, how will other people cope?
Will farmers with second mortgages face bankruptcy if their crops are washed out?
Jeremy Clarkson is stressed. The pressure of running a farm and pub and dealing with everything from dead sheep to petty thieves has pushed him to the brink of heart attack.
Well, that’s his excuse. He spends the entire first episode driving back to Clarkson’s Farm, clutching his chest when the farming gods aren’t smiling on him and telling everyone he encounters how short-sighted he is with death.
Have homeowners fallen into debt due to national insurance and rising taxable values? But what about the people who actually did it – how come they didn’t all die of stress?
I got fed up pretty quickly with Jezza’s pathetic whining about the hospital rushes and his ‘fuck act’. Even his girlfriend Lisa told him to stop being a ‘grumpy little boy’.
The plain truth is that he is a pigger. It looks like he just swallowed a barrel of whiskey, a keg or something. When he pulls himself out of the Range Rover, a vet carrying forceps needs to be on hand in case he gets the pants on. No wonder his heart was straining.
Unable to do anything more energetically than wander around, he leaves the moving around to his lieutenant, Kaleb Cooper. What started as a show full of gusto and jokes has sunk in deep.
It’s slow, dull, repetitive and uninspired.
A long section of the first episode shows a bonfire lit for November 5th.
Nothing goes wrong, no major drama, except that one night a disgruntled employee sets it on fire.
The only thing less exciting than seeing Clarkson build a bonfire is Clarkson rebuilding it. He even takes the opportunity to explain the history of the 1605 Gunpowder Plot to Kaleb, who acts like he’s never heard of Guy Fawkes.
That’s a thrill a minute compared to F1 driver Oscar Piastri learning how to flip a tractor and trailer into a barn. This goes on for so long that even Clarkson gets bored and walks away, taking the crew with him, so we never find out if Oscar gets it.
It’s kind of interesting to know that visitors to The Farmer’s Dog steal 400 pint glasses a week. And in the second part there is a beautiful photo of a barn owl at dawn.
But I can’t understand why Clarkson insists on showing us the necropsy of a gangrenous sheep. Maybe he wants everyone to be vegetarian because he can’t eat red meat anymore.
