I was worried about my husband’s lack of sex drive and even asked him to see a doctor. Then I found something in his search history that completely humiliated me: ASK JANA

Dear Jana,

My husband and I haven’t had sex in months. It’s not a dry spell here and there. I don’t want to say anything. No touching, no initiation, no desire.

When I finally confronted him, he shrugged and said he now had a low desire for sex and that he ‘never really thinks about sex anymore.’

I tried to be understanding. I suggested he might be stressed or depressed. I slowly entertained the idea of ​​seeing a doctor, getting her hormones checked, even Viagra.

I also tried starting when the kids were having a sleepover but she laughed at it and told me I was overthinking it and making it ‘a thing’.

Then last week while using his laptop I saw his porn history. It wasn’t casual. It was long. We frequent a particular site, talk several times a week, and this is a very specific kink that concerns women much younger than me.

Jana Hocking (pictured) offers advice to a woman who discovered her husband regularly consumes porn despite saying he ‘never thinks about sex’

Suddenly, the guy who ‘never thinks about sex’ seems to be very busy when I’m not around. I feel humiliated. Not only was it rejected, but it was also lied to. I don’t even know what hurts more: that he doesn’t want sex with me… or that he clearly wants it but not with his wife.

Is this a porn problem, a marriage problem, or both? So how do I confront him without looking like a desperate woman trying to compete with her browser history?

Browser History Wife

Dear Browser History Wife,

What you’re looking at here has a name. It’s called the Madonna/Whore complex, and believe me, it’s a lot more common than anyone would like to admit. Honestly, I wish people would talk about this more, because it would save a lot of women from lying awake at night wondering why their husbands suddenly have the libido of a monk.

Very simply put, some men mentally divide women into two categories. Madonna is his wife. Mother. The respectable woman he loves and values ​​then mysteriously stops wanting to have sex.

The prostitute is the person he desires. Porn star. OnlyFans creators. Women with lips and breasts filled with padding, resembling sex dolls. Every woman who lives according to a ridiculous sexual stereotype and has no need for emotional intimacy or eye contact.

So no, he hasn’t ‘lost his sex drive’. He just outsourced it. Romantic, I know. But let me take it a step further with some information that helped me fully understand the dilemma you’re facing.

I was half-listening to a podcast about relationships on one of my daily hot girl walks when celebrity therapist Marisa Peer said something that made perfect sense.

A woman tries to accept what she sees in her husband’s search history (stock image)

He was talking about long-term relationships and sexual urges and casually dropped this absolute truth bomb: ‘The moment your partner is referred to as ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’, you subconsciously don’t want to have sex with them. Because who wants to have sex with their parents? This is really weird.’

Marisa explained that when couples have children, they begin to relate to each other primarily as parents rather than as lovers. When someone mentally falls into the ‘parent’ category, your brain silently shuts down sexual desire.

Not on purpose, just biologically. Even if you don’t call each other ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ in the bedroom (thank God), consider how often it enters everyday language.

‘Tell your father what you did at school. ‘Ask your mother where your shoes are.’ Totally normal but absolute libido kryptonite. And not just parents. Even couples with pets do the same thing, Marisa said.

For example, ‘Dad, can you take Buddy outside to pee?’ you can say.

Stop it. Stop immediately. Just ‘Hey Danny, can you take Buddy out?’ You’ll be better off between the sheets if you say so. Not the word itself. This is what the word represents. Responsibility and care. Snore. Everything that is great for family life and terrible for sexual polarization.

The good news is that this isn’t about competing with porn or turning yourself into someone you’re not. You don’t need to perform. You don’t need to suddenly become an adult star in your own home.

What helps is changing the energy. How about getting your husband to see you in a new light instead? However, the important thing here is to do it skillfully. I don’t ask him why he doesn’t sleep with you, but I subtly make him remember why you like to do it.

Give her little shocks of sexiness and ditch the Mummy title for good.

Honestly, it’s worth going.

Dear Jana,

My partner and I share positions ‘for safety’, which was fine by me…until I realized he was constantly checking. It asks if I stop in an unexpected place. He jokes about it if I stay out longer than planned.

Last week, ‘Why are you still in that cafe?’ he messaged. While literally ordering a donut. He says I’m overreacting and it’s just out of curiosity, but I feel like I’m being silently watched.

Is this modern transparency or plain control masquerading as concern?

I Watched the Woman

Dear Watched Woman,

Okay, stalker alert. Let me be very clear, you are definitely not overreacting. This behavior would drive me absolutely crazy.

This isn’t just a curious guy. If he’s watching your movements so closely that he questions the donut stop, it’s not about security anymore; It is about control under the guise of ‘concern’.

No, he can stop this immediately. It also sounds like your husband has a lot of time on his hands. Honestly, get this guy a hobby. And no – watching your dot move across the map – it doesn’t.

Location sharing is intended to be passive. Once it becomes interactive with questions and jokes, it becomes something else. And before anyone says ‘he’s just kidding’, let’s be honest. Jokes are only jokes if both people are laughing.

You’re nervous right now. Listen to your body. He always gives us clues. But here’s where I’ll gently challenge you. The biggest problem isn’t their behavior. Instead of trusting your instincts, you start second-guessing yourself. And this is often a sign that the border is overdue.

So let me offer you a New Year’s resolution: I’m actively working on myself: getting very comfortable setting clear, firm boundaries without apologizing for them.

You don’t need to justify your feelings or build a case. You can simply say, ‘I’m happy to share my location for emergencies, but I don’t like being asked where I am. ‘This makes me feel like I’m being watched and I want it to stop.’

Then – and this is the important part – you watch what happens next.

If it takes it and backs off, great. The border was respected. If he downplays it, makes harsher jokes, or tells you you’re being dramatic, you pay attention to the obvious red flag he’s waving.

Everyone deserves privacy. Everyone deserves to go about their day unmonitored. And no one should feel like they’re on parole for ordering a donut.

Trust your gut. He set this up for a reason.

Dear Jana,

I recently discovered that my partner still talks to his ex every day. They share memes, inside jokes, pictures from their day, and updates about their lives.

He says they’re just friends now and that I should be grateful that he’s emotionally mature enough to stay close with his ex. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I don’t like being the third wheel in my own relationship.

Is this healthy, modern dating… or am I right to be uneasy?

Third Wheel Girlfriend

Dear Third Wheel Girlfriend,

Ah yes, the classic ’emotionally mature’ defense. Sigh. There’s nothing more ‘modern enlightenment’ than keeping your ex on speed dial while your current partner quietly feels like an extra in their own relationship.

What should we say about this? This has nothing to do with being old fashioned. It’s about boundaries. And right now his are sloppy. It can be healthy to stay friendly with your ex. Certainly. But it is very difficult to send messages every day. Super hush.

Right now he’s getting the best of both worlds. He may not be sleeping with her, but he’s still emotionally invested. And you’re not wrong to be uneasy about it.

Here’s the key point he missed. Emotional intimacy is a limited resource. If he’s giving his ex a slice every day, that energy isn’t fully available to you. That’s why you feel like the third wheel. Because frankly you are.

And no, you don’t need to be ‘grateful’ for this arrangement. It’s a little guilt trip that puts you in the position of looking insecure because you want something that makes perfect sense: not competing with the ghosts of girlfriends from your past.

Let’s not forget, this woman was someone he used to love.

That’s why we need to talk about respect. You don’t need to give an ultimatum or demand that she delete her number with a dramatic flourish. You can simply say: ‘I don’t feel comfortable communicating with your ex on a daily basis. ‘This makes me feel left out and if this relationship is to be safe I need us to have clearer boundaries.’

Then you watch what he does. It will be great if he hears you and gets used to it. If it discusses or portrays you as the problem, that is also useful information.

Because a man who prioritizes his ex’s feelings over his partner’s comfort is emotionally underdeveloped.

You don’t want too much. You still want to avoid dating someone who is half of another relationship. And girl, that’s a very reasonable request.